Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I went shopping at like 3ish today, and didn't get home from the mall until about 7:30. I ran into Jessica who I was DELIGHTED to see. And then she was meeting up with Clay, who I know, but had never actually met before.
I bought some new jeans- I didn't have a light colored pair. And I bought tights for my New Years Eve outfit. I wish I could show it to you! It's so cute!!! But sometimes, it makes me feel like I look fat in it. I know that that is a mental thing though, so it's all good.
Well, I'm going to install DQ Tycoon on my computer and try it out. Plus, like I said before, I'm super tired.
So Happy [early] New Year!!! <3
Monday, December 28, 2009
Christmas day was three days ago now and it passed by as quickly as it came. I had a jolly good Christmas, of course. I don't care much for gifts. Sure, it's nice to have gifts and such from the people I love, but I truly just wanted everyone else to be happy and focus on more important things.
However, I did get two Disney soundtracks and the Anastasia soundtrack, the movie "Up!", a docking system/radio for my ipod, a portable stereo, gift cards, and a personalized blanket. One of my favorite gifts, I think would have to be a picture of the wedding that I've recently been in- not framed or anything, just the picture itself was enough to make me happy. :)
My father and mother took me and my sister out shopping the day after Christmas and purchased a bunch of clothes for me. It was like Christmas gifts, I guess. I'm very grateful and I love all my new outfits.
I've watched "The Holiday" three times already this holiday season and I'll probably watch it at least once more. I love that movie for some reason. And last night while watching it, I was overwhelmed with the parallels that I always draw to my own life. Especially the part where Iris tells off Jasper. She says just about everything that I want to say to someone- but I would never have the guts to do so.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1CMnZDllDU <<--that's the link to the scene.
I finished my book. It was a sad book, but a good one nevertheless. Now I need to find another one to pick up. I also went to go see "Sherlock Holmes" with my family. I loved it. I would actually probably go see it again too if I had the funds to do so or someone to see it with.
I had New Years plans, but I'm watching them crumble as the snow falls. I'm going to start making back-up plans. I'm determined to find something to do so that I'm not focusing on spending New Years alone yet again (and by "alone" I mean without a boy). I don't want to think about that so much this year, as inevitable as it may be.
As far as boys/relationships go, I honestly just don't care to think about it right now. It was confusing, then it was clear, then it went back to being confusing, then clear, and finally now it's confusing again. I shouldn't have to worry about it. I should just prepare for the worst and hope for the best- that way at least I'm guarded. I don't understand why people can do certain things in relationships sometimes. Anyway, I pray for guidance constantly, so now all I have to do is wait it out.
I really dressed up on Christmas Eve and actually felt really pretty for once. Low self-esteem is a constantly growing feature in my life, so to feel pretty was a big deal to me, haha. <<-- and that's it. Not a big deal. I've had that dress for a year and hadn't worn it until just now.
Sometimes I feel like I belong in a movie. I'm all cinematic. I don't want to be, I just feel that that would make sense. haha it's weird, honestly.
Anyway, I'm going to go spend time with visiting relatives now. Goodbye.
Oh, and I bought my older brother a PS3. I can't buy food for like a semester now. Yay for other people's happiness :)
Friday, December 18, 2009
Do you ever get that way?
See, the only thing is that I am not actually looking for anything. I’m just looking. Whether or not I’m hoping to stumble across some sort of enlightening object or answer, I am unsure.
Today has been a whirlwind of emotions. I feel as though I am fighting with my self. Everything that encompasses me I am bringing into question. An interrogation of my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, decisions, etc.
Secrets. I used to think that I am like the master keeper of them. People trust me. And there is no reason for them not to, because I have not betrayed them in the slightest. I don’t feel the pressure of holding someone’s secret. I’m not burdened by their troubles. They confided in me and I intend on honoring that confidence. I’m not one who has trouble keeping in what is not mine to tell.
But what about what is mine to tell? What about my secrets? There are those who find relief in disclosing personal information to me because I do my best to not judge. I simply listen and keep an open mind and heart. But who do I talk to? Who do I trust enough to do the same for me?
The obvious answer would be God. Of course I pray and ask and tell him everything . Of course I can always confide even my darkest secrets in Him. And I’m honestly not sure where I’d be without that. If I had absolutely no one to talk to at all… I really am grateful.
But the thing is, God doesn’t exactly talk back. I mean, I know he’s listening and I know that he always answers. But sometimes… Sometimes I want to hear my own voice. Sometimes I want to make sure that my words even connect with my thoughts and my heart. God doesn’t exactly wrap arms around me and tell me that everything is alright. I mean… I know that everything will be and I just need to be patient and He always has a plan. But sometimes? Sometimes I just want a hug and a little reassurance from someone in the physical world.
I wish I could receive a hug for no reason. Without having to ask for it and without reason. Not a hug because I look like I need one or because someone heard some bad news in relation to me. An unexpected hug, I guess.
I wish I could explain everything right here. I wish I could make people feel what I feel sometimes. That way, maybe you would be able to relate.
And then, maybe, just maybe I would have someone to talk to.
Something is missing.
I woke up at 6AM. I am not a morning person, as most of you know, and therefore this has made me into a crabby individual. Well, that and several other things that have annoyed me within the past 24 hours.
One of which was my "ex". If he's going to ignore my simple "hello, how've you been?"s then I'd prefer to have a good reason. And none of this "I'm sorry, I'm super swamped and busy and I've got my own problems" stuff. Dude, I'm not here to tell you about my problems- you've lost that privilege a LONG time ago. If you actually noticed, I'm trying to be a friend and check up on you. You know... that promise that we made that was all this "I'll always be here for you no matter what. We'll always be friends". Well, no offense, dude, but you aren't really keeping that promise. And one thing I can't stand is broken promises and my tendancies to actually forgive and forget.
Forgive and forget. People don't do that anymore. Ever notice that? They might say they forgive you. But the chances of them forgetting are slim. If you've done them wrong then they don't see the point in letting it go. They hold grudges. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who actually tries to really forgive and forget. And then people ask me how I do it- in some cases. Because I was raised to believe that that is what is right. What would Jesus do? Seriously, people. Maybe if you just tried to do what He'd do then you'd see the bigger picture.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not saying it always works. I'm not bragging or trying to make myself out to be better than someone else. I really am not. I'm a sinner just like the rest. I make plenty, plenty, plenty of mistakes. I'm lucky that I'm forgiven for them. I shouldn't be. So don't assume I'm trying to play the part of the "saint" here. Because there is no way that I'm anything close to that.
Like I said: I need to vent today.
Another reason for my crabbiness is my fund level. Someone asked me on my http://www.formspring.me/Lketchup what was going on with my funds. I hate that I can't just answer them honestly. It's a personal question. One of which that I never thought I'd be uncomfortable answering. I worry about a lot of things. Lately, money is right on the top of that invisible list. I need a job. I need more than a job. Really, I just need a miracle. And quite frankly, reaching that point scares me.
And another reason: a friend or an ex-friend or an aquaintence or a whatever-the-heck-point-we've-reached-in-our-relationship. But really that's just an uncomfortable teeter-totter of emotion in regards to one individual. It's becoming almost methodical.
Another frustration: lack of trust in a boy. I don't like being led on. I have already offered to back off. You told me that I was fine and not to worry about it. But her status (yes, I constantly FB stalk. Call me a creeper) is constantly something like, "blah, blah, blah, blah my boo! Love him!" If you're single then I don't think she understands that. Just sayin' that.
Okay, I'm done now. I need to stop before I freak out and blow a gasket. Time to breathe! Later, people!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I love visiting her. It's always fun, despite the constant battle with the internet connection and lack of cable. Instead, I've been Christmas shopping (unsuccessful so far, but going back out tomorrow) and I've sat in on her middle schoolers. I've read some of my book too. It's truly an enjoyable time. Her middle schoolers believe that I remarkably resemble that of Taylor Swift and have proceeded to ask for my autograph (I humored them) and then began to ask if I would sing for them. Some of them actually call me Taylor instead of by my name. I don't mind. It's really cute. Kids are adorable.
I'm having second thoughts about New Years and the boy I've been "dating". I'll keep you posted if I feel the need.
Alright, it's only 10:45 here and I'm actually tired already. Short post today.
Friday, December 11, 2009
May the professors have mercy on my grades.
I'm home for tonight. It's a bittersweet feeling, at the moment. I miss all my friends already and I miss the potential friends that I was making and that could potentially be ruined with lack of contact for over a month. And that's just it: a month. A month of what? I ask that question with the rhetorical implication that it's going to be filled with lack of activity. Yet, in the back of my mind, I can think of a million things that I want to do, have to do, and have already been expected to do. I'm hoping the month flies by, but I'm hoping it takes it time. I am, obviously, thinking in contradictory thought.
The holidays are just always so busy, it seems. Especially the Christmas holiday. Here I am, already eleven days into the month and I have yet to purchase a single present for friends and family. And somehow, I am going to have to find the funds to do so.
It's good to be home. I'm taking Joe to school tomorrow- my parents don't like him driving in the snow just yet. Personally, I'm not a fan of driving in it either, simply because my street is always difficult to get in and out of when it is icy. But I really want to drive. I love driving. I love to blast my music and sing at the top of my lungs. Sometimes, I even crack my windows even if it's cold out, just because I want people to hear my music. Oh, and I want Starbucks tomorrow. I just decided that like five minutes ago, haha. We aren't leaving for Chicago until tomorrow afternoon, because my grandparents need to go have lunch where my cousin works. My grandpa can't drive anymore- as of like... maybe a month or two ago. So my mom drives them to everything when they need it, because they don't believe in calling the OPC transportation service. Anyway, point is, I won't be leaving until tomorrow afternoon.
I think I want to drive back to Mt. Pleasant for New Years Eve/Day. The chances of me swaying my parents in favor of that, however, are probably not very high. A big factor is the weather... and traveling alone. But I wouldn't be up there alone at least. If I can get them to agree to it, then I will see if I can spend next week in Chicago with my sister. Really, all I'm doing is running around for a month. It's kind of ridic and sounds rather stressful. All in good fun though, eh?
Owl City is my music of choice at the moment.
And Glee was AMAZING (I just watched it online tonight because I missed it on Wednesday due to a snowball fight)!!!!
Well, NW starts at 7:55AM and we need to leave the house by like 7:20. I should probably shut my eyes a bit.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I got to sleep in a little later than normal, because I didn't have a final until noon. The final was basic. English composition- in class essay. It wasn't something I could study for and I'm sure I did fine. After that, I actually made an effort to be on time to the painting studio today to turn in my final project. We were told to come back in about 2 hours to pick up our grades and our paintings. Allen decided that he just wanted to sit in the hall for the two hours and play pokemon. I offered to stay with him despite my lack of hand-held gaming system. In my opinion, it was worth it. He's fricken adorable. He let me listen to his ipod too and I discovered that I think he has great taste in music. I was called into the painting studio at one point and my instructor told me that she loved my final painting and is going to put it in the student art exhibit at the beginning of next semester! This is pretty awesome, in my opinon. She only gets to pick five paintings out of her entire class- and we've had a total of like three big projects. That's a lot of paintings- and mine was one of the ones she chose. It's kind of a big deal.
After collecting my other paintings (I left my supplies there... I was distracted, you'd understand), Allen and I walked together- when we hit the hallway where we normally part ways, he asked if I was going that way or the same way he was going. I didn't know how to answer so I didn't. So, he then grabbed my hand and told me he'd drive me back to my dorm. We held hands just about the whole way to his car. It was adorable. I've never had my hand held in public like that before. It probably held more value to me than it did him, but I don't care. Five minutes after getting out of his car, I got a text that said, "Hey, you're cute". Seriously, guys? It's the little things that make me smile. Things like holding hands and silly texts that tell me I'm cute. THE LITTLE THINGS MATTER.
I still don't trust him completely though. And I'm starting to worry about the upcoming break. This should not be a concern of mine. It's not like we're "together". I don't really know.
The rest of my day was pretty basic (I think basic is like my word of the day or something). I watched part 2 of Alice on SyFy- I thought it was pretty awesome, personally. And then I chilled until midnight, when I witnessed yet another midnight scream across campus. People do this every semester right before finals in order to relieve stress- it's both effective and comical. Someone yelled "Expecto Patronum" at one point and another guy streaked.
My computer is making this strange static noise. I'm not a fan. Maybe I should give it a rest.
Goodnight. Hope your day was as good as mine!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Listen to it and love it.
I'm convinced it is a pretty accurate description of me.
Anyway, it's 2:30AM and I am once again a victim of insomnia. I suppose that the accidental nap and the caffeinated beverage at 12AM didn't help much, but truth is that I probably wouldn't be asleep if I hadn't had those things anyway. It's a gift and a curse. A gift, because it means that I have time to do all that homework that I had procrastinated. A curse, because, well, when I want to sleep, I can't; and it also is a lot of time in which I can think about happiness and stressful situations.
Tonight was just what I needed. I've been super stressed since yesterday and that stress put me into a horrible, horrible mood. However, I have the best roommates in the world (+ Jessica). They had a Christmas movie marathon tonight and I joined them for one of the two movies that they watched. I love them. Seriously. All of them. They make me laugh, they have the ability to change my mood completely, they are just all around good friends- and good people. And I've discovered my love for the movie The Holiday. Not my favorite movie of all time, of course, but still. What a wonderful movie. I thought it was going to make me feel uber sad once I started drawing comparisons to my own life- surprisingly, it didn't at all. And yeah. But the main reason I had such a great night was because of my friends. I have them to thank.
Oh, so I was thinking tonight about what I want to do with my life. Crazy, right? I thought so. So I've always wanted to be an animator for Disney. That's still my goal. But lately, I've been thinking that I can't exactly make it in that field- I'm just not talented enough for it. So I think I'm going to consider photography as a backup. And even if I don't want to major in photography. I'm pretty sure that I'll want to minor in it. Pictures are just so fascinating.
It's either that or I attempt to write professionally. Ha. Yeah, I laughed too, don't worry.
Friday, December 4, 2009
That may not make much sense to you, but perhaps you should take it from an artistic perspective. Then it may be more clear... or maybe not. But I'd rather you interpret it than just have me explain it to you. Where's the fun in easy explanations?
Well, today started off alright, I guess. I had two exams today- one for German and one for English (the grammar portion). I aced them both, and it's just nice to have them out of the way. Then, I went to the painting studio for my painting date with Allen. I spent 3.5+ hours there- most of which were actually enjoyable. My painting is finished. i only say this because I couldn't find anything else to do to it. I needed a second opinion, and Allen had left before giving me a thorough one.
After that I ventured back to my room, where I fell asleep on the couch till about 8:30. This is bad news bears, let me tell you. Because of that nap, I will not be able to get to sleep at a decent hour tonight.
And now I want to cuddle. Yet, there is no one present to cuddle with. And being alone right now just put me in a funky, depressing mood. So I went for a walk in the snow to get some tea, in hopes of clearing my mind a little. This is the thought process that I have drawn in that time:
1. I did not want to get attached. I don't want to get attached. I am NOT attached. I MUST keep telling myself these things.
2. If I have to keep telling myself these things, then am I in denial?
3. Break is coming up and soon it will not matter.
4. Let's try texting he-who-must-not-be-named
5. He replied?! That's a first.
6. Goodness! I need gloves. My hands are freezing! Not even my tea is keeping them warm.
7. This is like, legit movie snow. Like... the snow you'd see in a movie.
8. I feel like I'm in a movie... and I feel really pretty. WEIRD.
9. I want to watch the Muppets Christmas Carol really badly.
10. My holey jeans were not a good choice for snowy weather.
That is about it. I just have a very unsettling feeling. And I... I WANT IT FIXED. Haha, I don't understand why I feel in this way at the moment. Maybe I should just try to ignore it.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
And that, my friends, is the end of the ode.
Haha, I'm in Sociology right now. I don't ever pay attention in this class. Why? Because he puts all of the power points online and everything he talks about is not on the exam. The exam is what is in the book and showed in videos and online articles. The strange thing is that he doesn't even take attendance, but I refuse to just skip. I don't like missing class. It doesn't sit well with me.
I was going to type up my German oral exam and email my partner during this class, originally. However, the only reason I was going to do that was because I was supposed to have a painting date at five. Well, I was just canceled on. I hate it when I get excited about crushes prematurely. I was trying to avoid liking the kid completely, honestly. But no, I had to go and admit it. And then when he gets me all excited about working on my project (O_o excited about homework- I know, it's weird to me too...), he goes and cancels on me. Granted, for good reason, I think. And we're going to reschedule. But still. It's just overall not a fun feeling, ya know?
I am not good with relationships, if you didn't already know that. I'm not even in one and I'm already freaking out. There is just something about walking around, having someone cross your mind, and then catching yourself smiling like an idiot... uncontrollably. It's a nice feeling, yet it's strange at the same time. Point it- I'm not good at relationships. I really am not. But I would like to have the chance to get better at it.
I like to write. Today's post is a little bland. No thick blankets of metaphors or imagery. No playful word choices either. Just me. Writing because I hate sociology class. *sigh*
Ever hear a song that has lyrics that are so incredibly clever and cute at the same time? One just came on my ipod, that's why I asked. Relient K- Must've Done Something Right. The opening line is "We should get jerseys /cause we make a good team/but yours would look better than mine/ cause you're out of my league..."
I think that is adorable. And hey- fun fact: Relient K is my favorite band.
Well, I don't want to make this post TERRIBLY long (too late, I know), because I have this overpowering feeling that people don't care to read lengthy material. Their attention spans are too short and quite frankly, they don't give a hoot about half the stuff they're reading. But I have been cursed (I view it as a blessing sometimes) with the inablility to write short blurbs about anything. It's almost painful for me to do so, haha. Seriously. Anyway, if your attention has not yet been drawn elsewhere, this is me letting you know that I'm going to stop right here.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I have SO MUCH to do. And I'm starting to freak out about everything. Everything. Like... not just one class or one grade mark- all of it. My carefree attitude that has been taking the reigns for the past couple days needs to be kicked off the horse. I need to buckle down. I need to actually study. I need to do all my homework and I need to do it well. I need to breathe.
You'd think that such stress would motivate me, right? No, instead it is tearing down my stamina and ripping my focus to shreds. I have absolutely no motivation. Not even fear is motivating me anymore. It's just... emptiness. Emptiness and unorganized worry.
All I want to do right now is write. Free writing. Not this stupid argumentative essay that is already a day late. And if I can't write what I want, then I want to sleep. I'm typically not this tired this early (it's midnight, I know), but maybe that is just the stress hitting me and zapping me of my energy.
As I was walking to get some raspberry tea last night, my mind wandered into an interesting train of thought. I had meant to return and write it down, but I opted for a nap and a little television instead. Television. Ew. What a horrible use of my time on a Monday night. I cringe just thinking about it. Needless to say, my train of thought from yesterday has left town without saying goodbye.
I suppose it is narcissistic to say that I wish to be ugly. Afterall, that implies that I'm pretty. Which, in my opinion, is completely true. In my defense though, I believe that everyone is beautiful. In very different ways sometimes. I try to look for beauty in everyone. I really do. But sometimes I wish I were ugly in my appearance. And other days I wish I were prettier. I have very interesting views on my self image and, quite frankly, it plays with my self esteem.
Anyway, I've procrastinated this homework long enough. Time to get started, unfortunately.
Monday, November 30, 2009
You look very pretty, yet if you had a heart, it'd be ice cold.
It is snowing here at this very moment, if you couldn't have guessed that already. I honestly do enjoy to watch snow fall and I like to even play in it once it has settled in to stay. But I, being the incredibly scatter-brained individual that I am, left my practical boots at home. Plus, I have lost my gloves, which means that I have to buy large amounts of hot chocolate so that when I walk to class, I have something to warm my hands. Buying lots of hot chocolate... it adds up, lemme tell ya.
This is the last full week of classes. It's kind of a bitter sweet feeling for me. I'm not exactly sure why. I mean, I'm ready for break and I'm excited for a whole new class schedule; but something has me feeling uneasy. Perhaps it is just finals lurking around the corner that has me all stressed out.
I went to dinner with a boy in my painting class today. It was fun. He's not what I expect, which is rather refreshing and mysterious, I think. Learning about people is so much fun. The only problem is that I get so caught up in "learning" that I forget to "teach" others about myself. I'll work on that, haha.
Thanksgiving was wonderful! I really needed the little break and I wish that it could've been dragged out longer than it was. I have the most adorable little cousins in the world. Seriously. I wish I had pictures to share with you, but I was busy chasing them around and whatnot, haha. Oh, and I've eaten enough food to last me for weeks- I might as well hibernate, because I'm well prepared for it :P.
Well, I want to get a head start on this German homework I have to do for tomorrow. Nothing like being the biggest procrastinator in the world! WOO! haha, seriously, don't take after me- it's a bad idea.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
This weekend was nuts. I mean, it was loads of fun, of course. It was just... I don't know. I can't find words to describe what I'm thinking, I guess? Haha, it happens to me sometimes.
I went to a friend's birthday party on Friday. It was a masquerade and I made this really sweet looking mask. I was really happy with how it turned out. And what do I do? I leave it at her place and probably won't get to see it again. I guess I'll just have to make another. Still. It was pretty awesome.
I became really ill on Saturday and for the first time ever spent my afternoon by the toilet. I was in the bathroom from about one until about 4:30. It was disgusting and completely frustrating and just tiresome. After I finally came to terms with my stomach, Leah and I went to go see New Moon at 8. It was actually pretty good! I was kind of surprised, honestly. I didn't like Twilight all that much. But I would like to see New Moon again, I think. If only I had money... haha. We got back at like 10:30ish and Julian, Steph, Riss, and Jennifer were already on their way to being noisier than normal (well, not Jennifer). We went to some house party for the evening. Jenn and I were designated "mothers" of the evening, haha. And I'll just say that I've seen enough vomit in one whole day/night to last me a lifetime now.
And now here I sit. Ultimately just plain unwilling to do my homework, and fighting with my brain about how I feel and why I feel it. My feelings are being vague with my sense of logic right now and it is rather unsettling.
Well, time to go get bosco sticks before they are put away for the night.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
But you know what?
I'd rather be real than lie with positivity.
I can't stomach that kind of behavior, I'm sorry.
It's not like I haven't tried. It's not my fault you're unwilling to cooperate.
And I could sit here and throw my vocal daggers of assassination at you, because maybe I'm not better than that.
But honestly, I'm tired of this game of cat and mouse.
I'm tired of us both hiding behind a shell of ambiguity.
Yet neither of us wants to wave that white flag. Instead, you'd rather just run from the battlefield.
Nice move. Real classy.
You know, it's amazing when you think that you're getting to know someone. I say "getting to know" because I don't believe in knowing someone completely. There is always an unexplored edge. Always a hidden crevice of character. Which, to me at least, is what makes the process of getting to know an individual all the more fascinating. And part of me still wants to explore the one individual who has decided to- unintentionally, mind you- openly loathe my existence. But they have fled from the scene. Whether or not they will return, I do not know.
It's not like I haven't seen the same exact pattern before.
It's not like I didn't know it was coming in the first place, ironically.
I didn't choose this. You'd be foolish to think that I made that decision.
Maybe this post is from my unreleased aggression for the day. Maybe I'll wish I hadn't posted it later. But right now, all I want is for all of this to stop. Not fast forward to the part where we're better. Not rewind to better times. Just stop. So that when I push play again, the mixed tape runs smoother than it did with the tangled mess that we are now.
You'd be foolish to think this blog made me feel better.
Even more so if you believe this is the end.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Well, his character (Kurt) on "Glee" anyway.
I'm practically obsessed with this last episode. They sang Defying Gravity from Wicked in it. Ugh. It was just SO good. And yeah. I love Chris Colfer. He's moved into a list of people that I want to someday meet.
Otherwise, life is pretty basic. School. Calls from home. Hanging out with friends. You know, the usual.
I did call my mother today to ask about my grandmother. My mom had left a rather vague comment on my brothers facebook page about staying up really late with my grandma- that is never a good sign, so I called. I won't give you the details, I guess, because my mother seemed to want to keep it within the family or something- hence the vague-ness on her part. But, I will tell you that my grandma is okay.
Today (and by today, I mean yesterday since it was only an hour and a half ago), was one of my best friend's birthdays. She had an amazing day (she told me). And I could not be happier for her. She deserves the very best in life and I am happy to have her as such an amazing friend. So, Alana, HAPPY BIRTHDAY (again)!
I slept for a good chunk of the day simply because I was bored. I don't like doing that. I just wasted a perfectly good day with sleep that I didn't even need; and now I am going to have a hard time sleeping tonight. I did write love on my arms today though. I'll admit that I almost forgot, but thankfully I remembered when I woke up from my nap. That organization is one that I support whole-heartedly. I actually ordered something from their store tonight- it's on back-order though so who knows when I'll actually get it.
I've been having a really bad week or so lately. Thankfully, I'm not going to let that bring me down any longer.
Well, that's about it for now. I'm wearing clothes that I just got out of the dryer (well, they were freshly out of the dryer like an hour and a half ago or so...) and it is one of my favorite feelings ever, I've decided.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
A big part of it is that when you read someone's blog, and they write about another individual and are being vague, part of you assumes that they are referring to you- even if they aren't at all. It's this never-ending cycle.
People read too much into things.
And another reason I don't like blogs?
I do it. Others do it.
I don't have any reason to! I just do it. Like I'm trying to one-up someone sometimes it seems.
Sometimes I just want to turn to people (myself included) and be like, "don't dwell on it" or the more-harsh version, "get over it". Blogs are filled with the same experiences over and over and over- just slightly different. Typically anyway. And if they aren't blogs that pertain to those situations, then they seem to drag or appear as less than interesting.
People feed off of drama.
But then there is this completely other part of me that feels completely invigorated when I write something that is in the moment. Something that displays my current raw emotion or lack-there-of. I write because I want people to read what I write. I'd explain, but the rest of what I'm trying to say escapes me.
I registered for classes today. Sixteen credits. Nineteen if I can swing getting into photography. I'm honestly not worried about not having free time or not being able to handle the work-load. I can do this. I know for a fact that I can.
I think my mind just exploded on this blog page. Sometimes I read over what I write as if I were someone else and it makes no sense, haha. Sometimes my words can only be heard by my own ears.
Monday, November 2, 2009
I got what I prayed for this weekend.
They just weren't the answers I wanted to hear.
And I let it affect my mood, which was wrong of me to do. It shouldn't even have phased me.
But that's exactly what it did.
And you know what?
I did enjoy Halloween. Despite spending a few hours in the bathroom whilest people came in and out to watch me be sick. I'm surrounded by good, caring people. And for that, I'm glad and thankful.
I've made a lot of new, interesting friends. And I bought an air soft gun. It was probably one of the highlights of my entire weekend.
So today I found someone's deoderant in the bathroom and since I didn't have mine on hand and desperately needed some, I borrowed it. I wish I had taken a closer look, because this stuff smells (still) AMAZING. Hahahaha
That's all for now. <3
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I can say that now.
At this moment, there is a single person who I have realized that makes me feel like I'm never good enough. There is no reason for me to feel this way at all. I don't wish to be like this person. I don't wish to have the things that they have. I'm perfectly content with my life.
But I will say that I am glad to have this person in my life. Because of them, I push myself harder- not to be better than them, but because in some strange, bizarre way they have motivated me to push myself.
I've been judged. Unfortunately, not only by God, but by others- friends, acquaintances, passing strangers... Judged both fairly perhaps and also unfairly. I can't change judgments. Because, honestly? Once people set their minds to something, they are reluctant to have that mind changed. People are stubborn.
I'm not having a great night, if you haven't already guessed. I've been out running for at least an hour these past three days so I'm mighty sore, I don't feel well, and I'm tired and don't feel like doing homework at the moment. I'm being really down on myself at the moment, but at least I realize it and am working to change it.
I thought that I wanted a friendship back.
But if the feeling isn't mutual then I'm not going to put anymore effort into it for now.
If it is one thing I have a hard time understanding, it is hypocrisy and lying.
I'm guilty of both from time to time.
But that doesn't mean I understand why people can handle doing it.
You can hate me all you want.
I don't hate you at all.
I just don't understand you very well.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I miss knowing that certain people are there for me sometimes. What is worse is that I hate not knowing what I did wrong to suddenly change that.
Today was tiresome simply because I did nothing. I tried making the video for Jessica, only to discover that my movie maker program hates me. And I can't stop sneezing today, which leads me to believe that I'm starting to get sick. I ultimately have no energy to do anything right now, haha; but I'm sick of sitting in our dorm room. I'd take a walk, but I think I'd be running the risk of actually becoming sick- and I can't afford to be sick. Ever. Especially with Halloween approaching.
I want to draw, but nothing has inspired me enough to do so. I want to sleep, but it's only 11:17 and I know that I won't be able to actually fall asleep until at least 2. I settled for watching "27 Dresses" instead.
I'm ready for things to start falling into place in my life- despite my fear of so many of those "things".
Tonight, while I was walking back from getting dinner, the clouds seemed to have parted just for me. A couple stars made their appearance in the brilliantly dark blue sky, shining brighter than ever. I don't wish on stars. Not even the shooting ones. I don't ever hold a desire to own a star for myself either. It may sound crazy, because stars aren't people, but I feel like I can relate to them. That's why I like to look at them, I think.
Well, that's one of the reasons anyway.
Goodnight, blogging world.
Friday, October 23, 2009
This weekend, I have our entire dorm room to myself! I have already used my Friday as a day to lay around and watch TV pretty much.... Yes, I know, I wasted the day completely. However, now I'm starting to clean, shower, and make a video for my dear friend Jessica. Tomorrow, I'm going to go house hunting with my future roommates: Courtney and friends. I'm pretty excited. I've been trying to ask around and see who has been looking for a place next year and if they need a roommate, but people seem to be rather unresponsive when I ask that question. And, well, it needs to be figured out like SOON....
The wedding was wonderful, of course! I went date-less, but that didn't matter at all- it typically doesn't. Pictures took a little bit too long and we wound up being like 2 hours late for the reception, haha. I had only had a bagel to eat all day, so I was starving and well... there were beverages in the limo that should not be consumed on an empty stomach.
I've ultimately have decided that I don't know how to dance. Slow or fast. My brother, Matt, tried to swing dance with me- granted, he was completely intoxicated at that point- but it was just an epic fail- all the twirling wasn't working out for us, haha. Alex (my aisle buddy :P) did a bunch of twirls too for the first dance as well. It was quite impressive and hard for me to keep up, honestly. Haha, I'm just not meant to be a dancer. I step on people's feet.
After the wedding and the reception, Jake and I wound up staying up until 7:30AM talking and waiting for breakfast to possibly start. I've never talked so much at once, I think. It was pretty awesome! Needless to say, the whole weekend was quite a success.
I wish I could say that the past couple weeks have been as successful, but that would be lying. No one has time to hang out anymore, I was told that a good friend of mine is involved in a relationship that I don't promote, I've been having second thoughts about a "relationship" in general, I've wasted more time that I'm comfortable with, and I'm potentially being avoided by an individual for some unknown reason.
I'm going to be Misty for Halloween. Apparently- or so I've been told- that it is a really good idea. My brother is going to be Flava Flav, which I can't wait to see, personally. Maybe I'll post a picture of the both of us at some point.
Anyway, I've got to get going if I plan on starting this video for Jessica... It won't turn out as awesome or funny as I want it to, but still- I know it'll at least make her smile. :]
Sunday, October 11, 2009
1. I will post about Mere and Mike's wedding in my next post. It is almost 11:30 and I still have homework to finish and distractions to dismiss.
2. The day that the act of cheating on someone that has ever meant anything to you is dismissed as being a justified act of love, I will rip my own heart out and give it to the individual that winds up broken. No one deserves that.
And you should know better.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The first thing that I should point out to you all (if there is anyone who reads this, haha) is that I did not get into the Disney college program. I haven't told too many people about it yet. It wasn't exactly something I was happy about at all. I belong in Disney and I know it. It's what I want to do. But I didn't get in. And rather than dwelling on the negative aspect of it, I should try to move on and wait to apply again in the future. My parents reminded me that there is a reason for everything. God has a plan. I just don't know what it is yet.
The plus side of this, I suppose, is that I have the opportunity to have a different job this summer. I'm sure I've mentioned that I'm tired of my hometown in earlier posts. And that is the truth. I don't hate my hometown- it's lovely really and I really like it when people visit and I can show them around. But I've been there for 19 years now. I want to be somewhere I'm not familiar with. We'll see how that all works out.
I had a very interesting and good conversation on my "lunch date". It kind of made me think a whole lot more afterwards, but I've been reassured that it was a good step that we'd taken. Personally, I just hope it works out. Or if I gain a good friendship, to say the least.
The wedding is on Friday, I go home today for the rehearsal dinner, and I am very excited about all of it! Anna told me that we're actually going to be taking a limo to the hall which is cool. I'm getting my hair trimmed today and I am so relieved about it- my bangs were becoming way too long and were starting to bug me. I get to see Jake too, which is always fun and filled with hugs. I did talk to him for an hour on the phone yesterday. And that is a good thing because typically, I'm afraid of talking on the phone.... something about fear of not being able to hold a conversation. Needless to say, I enjoyed our conversation a lot and am more comfortable talking on the phone now.
Anyway, I've got a 5-7 page paper to edit and turn in before I leave... which is at 3... and I also need to shower and pack a little bit. So I better get going then.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
With days like today.
Tonight I found myself so ecstatically happy that I wanted to cry. No joke. Legit tears formed in my eyes as I was out strolling about campus.
The Disney presentation is tomorrow. I'm going to the 6pm one. I'm both nervous and excited about finally applying for it. I'm going to audition for a character too. I just want to be down there. My heart and soul is amidst the Disney magic, I'm convinced.
I also have a lunch date tomorrow. Finally. After being canceled on the first time, I must admit that I was beginning to feel paranoid and doubtful. Tonight, those feelings were liberated. Suddenly, they are replaced with feelings of happiness and excitement. This kid seems really cool and cute and funny. I feel like a little girl. It is amazing and exciting and fun and yeah... It's just an awesome feeling.
I also got the new Relient K album today off of Amazon for like four bucks. I LOVE IT. So much. I'll be buying the hard copy as soon as I can as well. It's just so good!
Speaking of music, I added a music player to this blog of mine. If you scroll down all the way to the bottom, you'll find it. OR it might just play automatically. The songs are a temporary interest of mine. Some that have more meaning to me than others. But hey, I love all music in general.
So tonight, I thought of beautiful, poetic images when I was gazing into the night sky. They could be turned into lyrics or just a poem in general. Or I could just let them float aimlessly throughout my mind. I love night time walks.
And this week is Mere's wedding week! SO EXCITING!!! I'm super pumped. You have no idea.
I LOVE LIFE.
Thank you, Lord, for all the wonderful blessings. <3
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Speaking of warm clothes, I have none at school. And it is pretty much 50 degrees like everyday. This is problematic. I don't like that it is so cold already! Haha, I suppose I should've seen it coming. Afterall, it is October now.
I need to be folding clothes and doing my German homework right now... but instead, I'm trying to think of something really cute to wear tomorrow. I've got my priorities straight, right? Hahaha.
I'm totally stoked for the Disney presentation next week. I've decided that I want to audition for a character too. It would be so amazing. I'm just so excited.
I really enjoy Ben Folds right now. I enjoyed his music before, but man, can that guy play piano. I wish I were that talented. I'd even settle for being as good as Adam P. from high school. He and I have taken piano for the same amount of years, yet I am way behind compared to him. I should be a lot better than I am. Well, at least I love it regardless.
Everyone is going home this weekend. It's homecoming at my high school. I'd like to go home, but then there is the issue of not having a car and well, I am going home the following weekend for the wedding. So I figure that I can just hold out one more week. I just hope that I find some way to entertain myself while everyone is gone. N64, perhaps?
Speaking of which, I realized that I don't seem to have Mario Kart up here... I don't think. Which is RIDICULOUS. Just sayin'.
Anyway, it's almost one and I should do my German. Plus, I gotta get up and look good tomorrow... lunch date thing... Plus, thinking I look good makes me feel more confident. It's awesome.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
BUT it's a wedding. And it will be fun.
And I just learned of some interesting news. About some people that I know and their incredible ability to be rude. I just.... I can't believe it. I should've guessed. I am shocked at your lack of class, people. Disappointment.
This won't last much longer.
I shouldn't let it.
Monday, September 28, 2009
My weekend, needless to say, was absolutely fantastic. I looked good, I felt great, and I met a TON of really awesome people. The music was loud and crazy fun. The room was hot but the night was chill. It was all just really fabulous.
I got to see Jake. He is absolutely one of my most favorite people ever. He's incredibly nice and fun to be around. I also got to see my brother, Matt, which was awesome. I love my brother. He is hilarious.
Ah.... I'm just so happy with all the people that I met and that I saw. Katie, Jessica, and Meagan were there. I think that they had a good time too, which makes me very happy as well. I wanted everyone to have a really good time. And I just cannot stop smiling, because I feel like everyone did have a really good time. There was minimal problems, no cops, nothing got broken... just all around good!
I was over there pretty much all weekend. I kicked butt in Mario Kart Wii, I helped set up things, and I just chilled around. The only bad things that happened was that Josh hurt his wrist when rearranging his room and I woke up the next morning to find this really cool girl, Amanda, in a homemade sling. Apparently, she had done a cartwheel outside on the wet grass and fell. She now has a fractured elbow, I think. I felt really bad for her, but I know that she did enjoy her night up till that point at least.
I met this really cool guy named Josh. I really like him. :] So I figured I might as well not be all secretive about it on here. I like him. There ain't nothin' wrong 'bout that.
I thought about putting a flat note in this note. Fortunately, I've decided to leave you all on the same note on which I began- a happy, natural note. So we'll leave all the flats for later.
That's all. <3
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
So the rave is on Friday and I was like, "Oh, hey. I should get some of that crazy neon hair spray stuff and use it." What I didn't really think too much about is how badly Mere or my parents will kill me if it doesn't wash out by the time of the wedding. I think I should be alright- it's the stuff kids' use for Halloween. But the can also says to test it on a small part of your hair if you have light hair... "USE CAUTION" I believe are the exact words. Anyway, the picture is my test run.
So if I die on October 9th... Well, it was nice knowing the people I did for a while.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
10. You've brought my faith back to life. And yet, you think that I'm the one who is more mature. There is a reason that I couldn't tell you why I was upset the other night. I'm sorry. I'm not as mature as you think.
9. Out of the blue. And *poof* it's not the same. I just wish I had seen it coming. I still defend you. Even if you don't do the same for me.
8. You can insult my family. I can't stop you from thinking that way even if you are wrong. But then expect me to insult your intelligence afterwards. By the way, you were a way to rebel and piss people off. Never again.
7. Yo, I am not an idiot. I know you like me. So don't yell at me because I don't return the feelings. You're a good friend and I'm doing everything in my power not to hurt you. P.S. Your perspective on life could use a little work.
6. If you weren't in my life, I'd be more of a trainwreck. You listen without question. I will never ever forget you- you will always be a best friend.
5. You complain a lot. But you've always been there for me. And quite frankly, who doesn't complain? I love you and miss you and our crazy adventures. Life is slightly boring without you around.
4. You can tell me that it was your fault. You can say that I did nothing wrong. But I will always believe that I was the one at fault. And now I've destroyed pretty much everything that I ever hoped of sharing with you and you claim that you don't know what I am anymore. If anyone was supposed to understand- it was supposed to be you. You say you're trying. Yet, you say you aren't around and you don't stay in touch. How is that trying? Ugh- forget it. There is just way too much that I have never said to you. This isn't the place for it.
3. You always make my day a little bit better. No matter what.
2. I really want this to work. And I'm really hoping you're not going to be a jerk. Cause I think you're great. Always have. Don't worry. I do really want this to work though- it's pretty obvious, I think.
1. You're girlfriend should kill me. Either that or my guilt will.
Nine things about myself:
9. I don't say much. I think it instead.
8. Sometimes I think that my crazy fascination with Disney will scare off people. More importantly, boys, haha.
7. I'm sick of MI. More importantly, my home town. I am unbelievably excited to possibly not be there next summer. I need a change.
6. I don't like receiving anonymous things like flowers and notes. Don't admire me secretly- tell me to my face. I know it's scary... but I won't lash out at you and plus, it makes you appear more confident, which is more attractive than the cowardice of hiding anonymously. I've just had bad experiences with it... haha so yeah.
5. There is this whole version of me that I'm afraid to show. Because as much as I'd like to deny it- I am afraid people wouldn't like me.
4. I read an article about how it's scientifically proven that redheads experience more pain than people with other hair colors. And now I wonder if the same holds true for broken hearts.
3. I think like a tragic poet sometimes. So sue me. #4 proves it slightly, haha. People mistake me as a pessimist then. Which is ridiculous because I'm not- I actually love life. A lot. I'm just realistic. I'm not going to sugar-coat it for you.
2. I had my friend Tiffany order me a pizza when she was down in Arkansas. My parents believed that to be a sign that I am terrified of my own shadow basically. Truth is, I thought it would be really funny and I miss Tiffany.
1. Dresses make me feel confident and graceful and beautiful. Until I trip and fall... Which has yet to happen so we're good.
Eight ways to win my heart.
8. Music. Guitar is a plus. Piano is a plus. Singing is a huge plus. Just music. I love it.
7. Make me laugh- apparently, I don't do it enough.
6. HONEST flattery is always nice. Say cute things to me. Say nice things to me. Make me blush. Be sweet. That kind of stuff.
5. Faith and morals. I find that unbelievably attractive and respectable.
4. Listen to me. And when I tell you that I'm being truly honest- I am. Don't tell me I'm lying. That just upsets and frustrates me.
3. Do stuff even if you don't really like it maybe? Like... if I want to watch the Notebook or a sappy chick-flick or a Disney movie, watch it with me.
2. Hold my hand.
1. Be confident. Take chances. Be spontaneous. All that stuff... haha
Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
7. The future freaks me out.
6. Boys- it's a love/hate thing
5. fairytales or dreams
3. Walking outside on a nice day
2. homework that I neglect to do
1. whether or not to take a nap.
Six things I do before I fall asleep
6. wash my face/go to the bathroom
5. set my alarm
4. turn on my lamp so i can see where i'm going to get up into bed
2. toss and turn with restless thoughts.
1. watch friends.
Five people who mean a lot.
5. Mom and Dad and siblings.
3. Alana and Mandy and all my close friends.
2. Mia, my dog.
Four things you're wearing right now.
4. NW shirt that we signed.
3. Red shorts :]
2. Black hat
Two things you want to do before you die.
2. Get married and have kids and help support a family (I think all those things go together)
1. Help create something that brings happiness to everyone- Disney movie.
1. I believe that love has a meaning. But I don't believe that it matters.
I was going to put something at the bottom of this whole thing, but I forget what it was. I got too distracted... hahahaha
Sunday, September 20, 2009
My birthday came and went. It was a lot of fun and I am happy to say that I have some of the greatest friends in the world. I got this really cute hat, a cd, a coloring book basically, and candy. And there was a LOT of cake. There still is a LOT of cake, haha.
I went to Frankenmuth yesterday with Jessica. It was unbelievably fun and we've decided that when we go back, we're renting mopeds. I'm really excited about that. Oh, AND we ate at a SONIC. It was unbelievably amazing. We jammed to Honor Society pretty much all the way home. When we started to get closer to the apartment, we put on "Livin' on a Prayer" and basically blew out our vocal chords. Then we did another livechat- which is turning out to be extremely amusing.
Now I have all this homework to do. And I'd rather be out enjoying my day... So I think I'll put it off. I need to go to the book store anyway. So I'll probably go sit out on the grass, read a book, go play piano, go to the bookstore, and then start on my homework.
I really need my texting plan to reset itself. I'm going to get in trouble with the bill. Like whoa.
I got a new dress. And I finished putting up my posters. I may post pictures sooner or later. Maybe.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Today, I went swimming with Katie. It was a lot of fun and the perfect end to my weekend. I even came back to my room and hung up my Disney posters (most of them)- pictures will be up eventually. I watched a bit of the VMAs and finished part of my painting assignments and my german homework.
I'm skeptical about Tuesday. Part of me is like, "YAY!" and the other part is like, "Oh geez.....". It's the strangest feeling ever.
Tonight, I was looking through old notes on facebook and found one that I had been tagged in- it was a survey about Disney princesses. I'm going to take it now:
[ ] One of your parents is dead
[x] You are expected to do a lot of chores
[x] You love to dress up
[x] You love animals
[x] You are waiting patiently for your Prince Charming
[ ] Your mom is really strict
[ ] You have sisters who seem kind of jealous of you
[x] You’re afraid to speak your mind sometimes
[x] You have left your shoes at a friend’s house before
[ ] You have blonde hair
[x] You’ve kissed someone your friends didn’t like
[x]You’ve been lost in the forest
[x] You love to read
[ ] You are not shy at all, and not afraid to speak your mind
[x] One of your family members is a bit weird
[x] You have done volunteer work
[x] You have a wild imagination
[x] You love to take care of people in need
[x] You’ve had guys like you only because they think you’re pretty
[x] You’ve rejected at least one person when they’ve asked you out
[ ] Your dad is very rich/important
[x] You are very clever
[x] You’ve been with someone way different from you
[x] You’re unique and different from everyone else
[x] You’d never marry someone just because they were rich
[x] You have set a lot of goals for yourself
[ ] You don’t have a lot of friends
[ ] You are wealthy
[x]Your parents try to control your life
[x] Your parents expect a lot from you
[x] You really try to follow the rules, but it’s hard for you
[ ] You’re a bit of a trouble maker
[x] You’re the youngest in your family or in the last 2
[ ] You have a lot of sisters (3 or more)
[x] You collect something
[x] You have/had long, hair
[x] You have/had a pet fish
[x] You’re extremely curious
[ ] You believe everything people tell you/you’re a bit gullible
[x] You know that you’re beautiful
[ ] Sometimes it seems like your mom is jealous of you
[x] You’ve almost been killed
[x] You have at least seven good friends
[ ] You’ve had food poisoning
[x] You have/had short hair
[x] You get along with almost everyone
[x] All of your friends are different
[x] You love to have a good time
[x] You’re happier when you’re out of the house than in
[x] You can be a tomboy sometimes.
[ ] People wish you could be a bit more girly
[x] You’ve pretended to be someone you’re not
[ ] You’ve had a physical fight with someone
[x] You have/had considered running away from home
[x] Your parents try to plan your life out
[x] a lot of your friends are boys
[x] You sometimes find yourself in bad situations
[x] You love your family so much that you’d do anything to protect them
[x] You live/have lived with someone other than your parents
[ ] You almost died at a very young age
[x] You are gentle, loving, and/or thoughtful
[x] You have a decent singing voice
[x] You like to sleep in late on the weekends
[x] You spend most of your time outside
[ ] You’re adopted
[x] You’re very romantic
[x] Pink is one of your favorite colors (this upsets me because Aurora's dress is blue for most of the movie. I love blue. So I'm going to pretend it says blue.)
[x] You love to walk around and explore big cities
[ ] You are more spiritual than religious
[ ] You’ve been in an interracial relationship
[x] One of your family members is dead (mom, dad, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa)
[x] Your parents are very protective of you
[x] Someone you know has been in war
[x] You love nature
[ ] You have/had black hair
[x] You would love to move somewhere exotic and beautiful
[x] You’re very adventurous
Take the princess’s name that you got the most in and repost…if you have more than 1, play eeney meaney myney moe with them until you get an answer and…
Repost this as, If I were a Disney Princess, I’d be _____ BELLE..... which I find quite hilarious for inside joke reasons.... hahaha
Alright, time to start on the painting, I guess....
Sunday, September 13, 2009
All I know is that I try to be the most honest of an individual that I can be. I don't want people to lie to me and so I try not to lie to them- it seems like an even exchange to me. Yet, this card seems to have been passed on to me for the time being. I just want to let you know: I'm not oblivious. I'll catch you in a lie.
The most you can do is disappoint me.
Friday, September 11, 2009
I also figured that writing something is more productive than falling back asleep.
Apparently, I could not sleep last night. I had a very long and in depth conversation with my friend Jake until about 2AM. After that, I took some Nyquil and hopped up into my lofted bed. I seriously tossed and turn for what seemed like an hour (probably only a half hour) and then finally I fell asleep and was COMPLETELY knocked out. Like, I'm lucky I woke up for my alarm, I think.
I got a text last night that read this, "Hey, i know its really late... I really hope im not waking you, but i have a question for you. And its probably not what youd expect..." (sent at 3:43AM). I still have not been asked whatever question the individual has for me. And although it does spark my interest, I figure that people should realize that there is nothing that I don't expect nowadays. The world is a crazy place that is full of unexpected things. Therefore, I find it best to "expect the unexpected", if you will.
Everyone is going to MSU this weekend, I guess. Well, everyone but me pretty much. I need to get some homework done so it'll be nice in that aspect. But still, part of me feels like I'm missing out- the other part of me is like HECK YES! haha. I'm hoping that this weekend will be full of unexpected, pleasant surprises. :]
Classes are boring. There is no other way to put it really. The only interesting class that I have is my TAI class and that is a performance class.
Other than that- life is pretty normal. Oh, I found out that my buddy, Matt, is moving to WI on my birthday. This saddens me, obviously. He's going to be really missed. A lot.
The Disney presentation is next month and I could not be more anxious and excited about it! And right after I get that all figured out, I have Mere and Mike's wedding to attend!!!! <3
That's all for now.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
- immaturity is highly overrated.
- my gender disappoints me greatly quite often (that's not to say that the other gender doesn't disappoint).
- I shouldn't be judged for just one mistake. If you're going to judge me, take into account all of the mistakes that I've made. Granted, I'd prefer that you kept an open mind and forgive me for them instead.
- Texting is going to be the death of me when I get home.
- I'm so much different than everyone else out there that it almost scares me. Almost. Okay, maybe a little bit.
- Faith is extremely important to me. EXTREMELY.
- I got distracted and forgot about what I was going to write exactly... Oops.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I'm back at school. The first part of the week started off really well and I was having tons of fun and feeling totally and completely happy with life and whatnot. Once it hit about Wednesday evening, however, the week flipped a 180 while I wasn't looking. I stayed as positive as possible and made it my priority to make sure everyone else was really happy. Yesterday, unfortunately, I hit a wall- figuratively speaking, of course. I spiraled into a "funk" and waited all day for a text message that left me blown off with nothing to do with the rest of my evening. So, naturally, I tried to salvage my previous plans and as soon as I did that, I regretted it. I welled up with tears twice, got a hold of myself, and was thankfully rescued by Alana, who knew that I shouldn't have been where I was and wasn't going to let me stay there, no matter what. I tried. And I suppose it wasn't very mature of me to leave like I did, I know. I don't feel good about it at all and I'm really disappointed in a lot of things involving my state of mind. I don't know what I was thinking.
So my evening was turned into an evening of laughter and fun after being "saved" from my situation. Of course, my thoughts wandered into deep, dark places at points and when I came back to my dorm to sleep, but I'm glad nevertheless that I have the friends that I do and that they are always going to be there for me- I should never doubt that.
I realized last night that if I shared my view on the concept of "love" and what I believe about it, it would sadden or upset a lot of people. Most wouldn't agree with me and would probably argue with my train of thought; but I believe it even more so now than I have ever before.
Well, I'm done being mopey for now, haha. I wish I could find a piano to play. I'd take my ipod and try to learn some new music. Granted, I really should be doing homework right now, haha. You know me... the biggest procrastinator EVER. This apple is still sitting here.......
Classes are good, friends are great, maturity is lonely, and family is missed.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I am upset. I'm very good at hiding it. Yet, I don't really care to hide it anymore either and therefore, it slips into view every so often. For example, my mother has asked me if I was okay twice within the past week. That's not normal for her to do. She's worried about me. And to be quite honest, I'm worried about me. It's hard to explain.
But what I do know is that right now, I' am stressed to the point that I have wanted to puke on several occasions, I haven't wanted to speak to anyone within the past 5 days. And I'm losing a lot of emotional feeling while gaining a lot of physical pain. My back has been bothering me for a month. I've finally become so annoyed by it that I scheduled a chiropractic appointment tomorrow morning. My feet have not stopped aching and my stomach is in a million explainable yet hidden knots.
I saw my sister. I love her. She makes me smile and she helps me out and she knows I'm frustrated about at least one thing right now. And she understands. And she is there for me. And I miss her already and wish I could spend time with her and her/my friends the weekend after this one.
I have a new favorite band. It's Parachute. Love them. A lot. Relient K is my ultimate favorite still, but Parachute is up there with them now.
I found out a lot of crap I didn't want to. My stomach just dropped further tonight because of it. But you know what? That's life and eff it. I don't care if it hurts anymore. It happens to more people than just me and I need to be stronger.
I have way too much to do before Thursday and it is freaking me out.
Matt S called me out on being a push-over today. He's awesome. And he just wants me to be more assertive in situations. Because I am a push-over and people do take advantage of me. And I just let them. Hence the push-over status, haha. Anyway, I'm really glad that he called me. I miss him a lot. I don't know what I'd do without him as a friend.
I'm so exhausted that I can't sleep. This is ridiculous.
I'm being a downer right now. But don't take that as, "oh, she hates life and is totally pessimistic". I'm not. I love life. And I am blessed in many ways. But I like to recognize the bad parts of it in hopes of finding ways around them and making the blessings shine through more.
Monday, August 10, 2009
I want to draw. But I think part of me thinks that I've lost any skill I ever had. I know that the only way to find out is by trying, but then I just feel under-motivated. Not unmotivated. Just not as motivated as I would like to be.
I'm not really sure what happened to me these past couple of days. It's like I shut down. I stopped replying to texts, stopped signing into facebook and any internet site in general, and yet in person, I seemed like a generally happy and unaffected person. I'm not sure what I was supposed to be affected by anyway, I guess. I'm just really confused by so many things lately. And I've been dying to just talk to someone about something. I've been dying to demand answers. But that is not how it works. I don't know what happened to me that made me think that I need to have all of the answers immediately. My patience has taken a huge hit and now I find myself becoming irritated by the littlest things.
I've started packing for school, I've worked almost a week and a half straight, when I'm not working I'm running errands and doing people favors to keep them pleased, and when I have time to myself I just freeze up and don't know what to do. I've been up to 4:30 in the morning, trying to sort out confusing sentences and meanings behind things. I just need to relax and let things be what they are. But I'm not sure how to do that, I guess.
I think I'm afraid of going back to school... Maybe. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm really not sure.
My sister comes home tomorrow or Wednesday morning, I work tomorrow night, I have craft night on Wednesday (it sounds ridiculous but its not.), I have the wedding shower on Thursday, Mere's bachlorette party on Friday, pedicures with Em, Mere, Anna, and maybe Aubrey on Saturday as a wedding treat for Mere, then work that evening, Sunday is church and more work. I just don't get a break, see? Or maybe that isn't that much stuff and I'm just over-reacting or something. But I just need space? I need something, that's for sure.
Anyway, I need to be making sure that my Gram doesn't make dinner right now. She's not allowed near the stove since she can't see and has an oxygen tank. Therefore, my mother believes that if she cooks, our house may catch on fire and my gram might blow up. And then I need to try to find something to wear to work and then get ready for work itself. So that's it for now. I guess I just thought I'd update real fast.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I did not fall asleep until at least 4:30 this morning, due to a very important conversation that I think needed to occur. The only problem with this is that I had to be up at 8:30 to shower and get ready for Kirsten's funeral.
"I don't like funerals."
That is what Joe said as we got back into the car. It is the first funeral that he's going to actually remember attending, I think. He was only eight when my Grandpa died and even I, sadly enough, do not remember much from that day either.
Kirsten Gabriella is my stillborn cousin. My Aunt was eight months pregnant with her and their family was constantly in my prayers. When I had heard the news of Kirsten's passing, I took it really hard- a lot harder than I ever expected to take it. And standing at the cemetery, I did not cry but I felt awful. To watch my younger cousin, Erica, and Aunt Sandy just sitting there with their eyes raw from tears was completely devastating. My heart goes out to them both and my uncle Dave. Looking at a coffin that small is... it's unreal. I wanted to believe that it was empty. That nothing had really happened to my cousin. That I was still going to be able to get to watch her grow up. And then... I was felt a twinge of anger every time that the priest mispronounced her name. It's Kirsten. NOT Kristen. I know that it shouldn't matter that he mispronounced it. But I was really bothered by it.
She was buried a couple graves behind my grandpa's.
I will be visiting them both at least once more before I leave for school. Alone.
We went to brunch after the funeral and it seemed wrong- to me at least- to be happily chit chatting about daily life. I know that Kirsten is in a better place. I know she's with God. But it seemed to me like nothing had happened. Like I said- it was unreal.
After brunch, I went home and took an hour nap. And then Brad called me and asked me to come into work at 3 instead of 3;30. Which is fine. I just wasn't feeling up to working.
Granted, it was only a two hour shift.
Anyway, I'm still tired and don't feel well. So I'm going to take another nap, I think.
Monday, August 3, 2009
- don't use a bad week as an excuse for retail therapy
- there is a song for EVERYTHING
- never hook up with a best friend's sibling (and then act like it's cool to talk about)
- don't be generous when you're on a budget- you can't afford it.
- be grateful for your crappy job
I'm not ready for school but I'm ready to be away from home.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Randomly, I go into these moods. At these points in time, I find myself trapped in thoughts of being on stage. The rush of knowing my part. The nerves that send adrenaline throughout my body. The voice that I fear may shake in the presence of an audience.
I love singing. And I love acting. However, neither have been a strong point and I've just kind of let them fade into my 'younger' years, haha. But when I'm alone in my room at certain points in time, I can see it all in my head. The bright lights and laughter and missed cues and... well, you get the idea. I just wish I had made it a bigger part of my life.
I just spent fifty dollars on itunes within the past two days. A majority of it went towards purchasing soundtracks that I may own but cannot locate. One of which is Phantom of the Opera (the broadway version, I know I own. So I bought the movie version instead until I find it, haha) and another which is, of course, Moulin Rouge. I have thusly decided that I really want to see Phantom of the Opera again. And I'll be watching Moulin Rouge as soon as I have "free time".
Anyway, I'm exhausted. It's been a long day. I woke up and visited Steph at work again (the other job this time) and then I ran home to change and then I ran to the office to go from there to the viewing of my soon-to-be-uncle's mom. Funeral homes are bizarre to me. And I've decided that when I die, I don't think I'd want an open casket. I don't want anyone to look at me and know that I'm not actually sleeping. That I won't actually wake up. There is something disturbing about that to me. But that is in the far future, I hope. Although I almost drove into traffic on accident today... hahaha oops.
Then I went to "girl's night" for dinner and shopping in Parisian. It was okay. More money out of my pocket. More things I can't afford to be paying for.
Speaking of unaffordable things in life, school is going to be difficult in that area. Prayers are appreciated just for my financial state at this point. I just lost 2,000 dollars. And I have to pay for Disney by myself. When I'm done with that, my mom thinks I should take a year off of school and just work. We'll see. Personally, I think I should just take out a loan or something. Why was I born into a family who doesn't believe in loans? hahaha Beats me.
My mom told me that she still has her record player in our house somewhere... I want to get it fixed and bring it with me. I'm fascinated with both music and sometimes old, rare-ish items. Not that I'd even have room for it. But conversation piece much? I think so. ^.^
I got my hair cut. It looked AWESOME yesterday. And so I took it as an opportunity to wear my new vest and go to Best Buy and spend more of that money I don't have. I felt really good and I wish that someone were there to spend it with me.
Oh, Steph has seen me for about a week straight now. It's insane. Fun. But insane. Last night she like.... snuck into my house hahaha. And she feared awkwardness, I think. But it was cool... I cannot explain that, sorry.
ANYWAY, like I said, I'm tired. And I've got really awesome music to listen to and work in the AM.
Monday, July 27, 2009
You know, I thought this week was alright. I thought I was going to trudge through it. I could keep my head high just this once. There is no problem too big.
I never used to be the emotional kind of person.
I just talked to my mom on the phone. I had made dinner for my family and grandparents tonight because my parents are busy with work and my grandma shouldn't make dinner anymore, really. I was short with my mom on the phone and I'm not even sure why. I could hear my father yelling at me on the other line for my attitude. I could hear him telling me that he was sick of it and I wouldn't go to Florida. Granted, I know that this has happened before and I will still be going, but I don't like it being threatened to be taken away either. I called my mom back after I ate with my grandparents in order to ask if I should cover up the food for them. She then apologized for my father and said that he was on edge today. It turns out, they found out my aunt Sandy's baby stopped moving. It's dead.
And so I'm crying.
Maybe I shouldn't be. I mean, I knew that it was going to happen anyway. It wasn't supposed to happen today. And I wish that it hadn't. I wish it hadn't happened at all. I was hoping for a miracle.
I've never been so upset to not be able to know someone.
That was my baby cousin.
And I can't imagine what Aunt Sandy and Uncle Dave are going through.
Prayers would be appreciated. Please.
I went to Cedar Point last Thursday with Steph and Adam H and Sajel. It was a lot of fun, of course! I hadn't ridden like half the stuff there so we took that opportunity to ride everything humanly possible to ride. It rained a little bit but that kept the lines down. We were walking around at one point and, well, there was this lady... And she was very large. And in a one piece bathing suit. Normally, I don't take time to point out such sights but this particular lady had a leg vagina. Her rolls in her leg had former another vagina. I know that sounds disgusting but when you see it, you not only are digusted but you can't help but laugh. A lot. And maybe that seems mean; however, this is not a normal sight and we weren't picking apart the lady or anything. We just had to laugh.
Like I said, people watching is fun.
I went to a Jonas Brothers concert again last night. Yes, another one. Yes, I am tired of their concerts for the most part. I need a break from the Jonas Brothers, haha. But I did have a lot of fun. I like being in a place that has so much high energy. It is very amusing for me to just watch the crowd go freaking nuts. It was pretty much like the South Park episode described, haha. I did really like the concert though. And I'm not making fun of the Jonas Brothers, because I do enjoy their music- despite the ridicule that ensues from liking the band. We went to McDonalds afterwards. It was a good time and I'm glad that I was invited.
I really, really, really want to go to Warped tour. I like a LOT of bands that are goign to be there. However, I don't believe I will be allowed to go alone. My parents would kill me, haha. But I really want to go. I just need to find someone.
It's funny how things end up.
And it makes me sad sometimes...
*shrugs* I should've known better and seen it coming. I suppose I did but didn't want to believe it.
Well, I'm going to the mall before Joe needs the car. It's my day off today. Finally, a day to myself.
Oh, and I snuck out of the house the other night. But that is a story for another day.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Okay, so not really- I'm being very over-dramatic.
I just had a rough night. And realized a lot about how I am doing things lately. And how it isn't healthy and stuff and how I've hurt a couple people and how I should've felt worse sooner than now. But the truth is that I didn't. Sometimes, I didn't even blink to let it escape my cluttered thoughts. I want to change it, but I don't know how.
Thank goodness for being screwed over by a never existing relationship, right? Well, it's got to happen sometime, I suppose.
And BAM! Here I am,
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
By a number of things.
I'm not bringing out any specifics today. But I am tired of crying when there isn't a good enough reason to be doing so.
I could be optimistic about the rest of this year.
I could be.
But honestly? The reality of things is that this year is going to suck majorly.
I just have to make the best of the moments that are the good moments. The ones that make me smile. I'm not going to be negative unless there is a reason to be- I'm going to try anyway.
I am prepared.
Owl City is my favorite right now. I couldn't sleep last night. I slept in until 11 without waking up once- that's the first time that has happened to me... Well, at least this summer anyway.
I've made a lot of mistakes. But I'm not a horrible person.
I need space.
Wide open space =]
This is really vague. Not completely intentionally vague... Just vague. Lots on my mind and I've been running around all day trying to clean and work and figure things out. All in a desperate attempt to get permission to go to CedarPoint on Thursday with Steph to see Adam Hoff. =] I miss that kid. He was really cool.
Okay. I'm going to do 100 crunches and then go to sleep. Work tomorrow.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
I can't decide if I'm unhappy or indifferent about not being invited to something. It would have been better if I hadn't found out about it and it would have been better if it wasn't constantly dangled in front of me as doing something with "favorites". Suddenly, I'm not a favorite and honestly, I'm not sure how to take that. Part of me says, "who cares? You're happy either way and it's not a big deal" and part of me argues with, "well, what did you do? Is there a reason for not being invited? Is it a misunderstanding? You must have answers!" Sometimes I tease myself with the thought of, "Are we really as good of friends as I think we are?" I mean, not that being invited places and stuff defines a friendship; but lately, there are a lot of other things that have come to my attention. Eh, I'll just leave it be. I'm just being over-dramatic. I've got a headache.
I just got back from a family reunion this morning. I've always loved the idea of getting together with family that I may not even know and just hanging out. I laughed a lot! And ate pizza that tasted surprisingly like black licorice. But it wasn't long enough and some things just made me feel sad. I took a lot of pictures, of course. And I rode in my uncle's rented Camero. It is my current "dream" car. I got offered a trip to the trailer too. And I am going to take it.... As soon as I have a spare weekend and a friend that is available.
I wish I were taller sometimes. And I wish I had money to buy things that I don't need. Like fancy, fashionable clothes. I think I'm going to go shopping tomorrow. Which will in turn, make me sad, hahaha, since I am money impaired. *Sigh*
I wish I were prettier too. Not that I don't think I am. Sometimes, I hate that I think that I'm pretty. It's twisted, haha. Maybe I wish that I were prettier on the inside. Not so much the outside.
I'm very tired of being judged and hearing other people judge other people. I'm tired of secretly passing my own judgments when I know it's wrong. But more than anything, I am tired of people being fake. And I'm tired of hearing that "everything is going to be alright" when the people saying it aren't even sure if it is true.
I'm tired of myself.
But I was told that I shouldn't change.
So now what?
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
That way I can say things that no one understands... haha, for some reason that makes me a slight bit cooler. It's a language that I think is often overlooked. And I find it fascinating. It makes me feel like I'm motivated to do something worthwhile. Or something of that nature anyway.
I just designed a pair of converse but didn't order them because I'm trying to cut back on using my card on the internet. BUT I do need a pair of shoes to just chill around in. I need to monitor the little money that I have. I've got big dreams to fulfill. None of which are going to be very cheap.
I bought an ipod. Did I mention that already? It's 120GB. Plus, my zune magically started working again- so basically I have 150GB at least of music/videos/tv shows/games to fill. I'm pretty excited. Music is like my life outside of the physical aspect of art.
I'm going to the zoo with Alana on Wednesday and I couldn't be any more excited! I cannot wait to see her! Plus, I get to cross something off my list of things to do this summer!!! It's going to be an awesome day, basically.
Speaking of Wednesday, it is my ONLY day off this week. Well, besides Saturday; but that's because I took Saturday off for my grandma's 80th birthday cause we're doing this huge family thing. Apparently, it's a big deal. ANYWAY, only one real day off this week- which is both good and bad. The bad part of it being that I have no free time and Dad found out about my hair and flipped his lid, I guess. My parents' are afraid that I'm going to come home with more piercings and a tattoo without telling them.
Granted, that's not entirely untrue. It's my body and my life. It's time that I took some control. Even if I do have to hide it from the world. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to let them cool down for a bit first because Dad went on "lockdown" basically. He's afraid of me going out and doing something he doesn't like and therefore is revoking car priviledges. Yet, Matt is allowed to do basically whatever, whenever- then again, he's 21 and rebels to no end.
Either way- my life. And I'm tired of people deciding certain things for me. Time for a little rebellion.
Tonight was a lot of fun. BBQ with the DQ crew. We played Taboo (the girls won, of course) and then Apples to Apples. I showed a lot of people my rather dirty mindset with a couple of unexpected comments. It was all in good fun though and a great laugh. I'm glad that I get along with the people I work with- well, most of them. Gilda hated me today... But, I mean, she's like 80 and we needed A LOT done today. Plus, I'm not going to lie, I want a raise. I SHOULD have a raise. It's my third year and what I get paid is just ridiculous- you can ask just about anyone there. Three years means a raise, not a pay-cut, Tom. Come on.
I need prayers. Not as much as a lot of people, but I'd appreciate them anyway. The reason is perhaps a silly one, but I'm too embarrassed to share or admit it. So I'm just asking without giving good reasons. Everyone could use a prayer now and then.
I'm going to pop in the Italian for a little bit before bed. And maybe read a little too. I feel more studious now than I do when I'm in school. Goodnight, internet world.