Saturday, May 30, 2009

It's been a big week.

Matt S came and visited me on Wednesday. He's amazing and I'm so glad that we're such good friends!! We met up with Jennifer and Steph K and we went bowling. We took a lot of pictures :P. I'd post them on here, but it's kind of late so I'll wait until later. It was ladies night at the bowling ally so Jennifer, Steph, and I didn't have to pay. It was a lot of fun :). Matt and I went back to my house and we watched a horror film called Feardotcom. It was awful and we both fell asleep in the basement while watching it. Matt had to leave in the morning because someone's car brokedown and his band needed to be in Lansing for their last recording. I can't wait for their CD release party. I promised him I would go. I don't want to break that promise! I'll never live it down if I'm not there, haha. Anyway, I miss him already!

Thursday I worked again. A longer shift than the usual, but it went by fairly quickly. Andy and Heidi were both working and it reminded me that I will never date anyone I work with. Wow. Haha, and I discovered my gift of communicating through only facial expressions. We also got a bonus with our pay checks- a $25 gift card to the movies.

I used that gift card today and took Mandy to the movies. It sure was great to see her again :). We saw Up. It was cute and sad and almost made me cry a couple times. But I want to see it again in 3D. Afterwards we walked around the mall. I walked into American Eagle and there were some extremely good looking guys working. And, in my opinion, the one was being rather.... outgoing? Haha with Mandy and I. He complimented me on everthing I picked out and also asked me about my locket (which is a big deal to me because it's a very important piece of jewelry to me, haha... sentimental value...). Anyway, he was gorgeous and his name was Disco. And we walked by again later and he caught my eye and I waved. He smiled and I melted. SO cute. We're going back to that AE later this week- Steph, Jen, and I. I'm going to be forward if he's there. I want to have a fun summer. No time for moping. Fun only. Got it? Good.

Nothing else has really happened.... I haven't read in a while, sadly. By a while, I mean like two or three days. I spent all my tip money (I bought two polos because they were on sale and I wanted an excuse to talk to Disco more, hahaha). Luckily Tuesday I may get more. I'm not very tired. Started watching Disturbia again, but decided that it's getting late and who knows when my mom will check on me, haha. I'll keep you updated asap.

Chou for now.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

"I had a really bad dream last night." -Matt
"What was it about?"- Me
"I was supposed to be in a crowd full of people, but instead of it being people... it was all cloth." -Matt- "I hate dreaming about cloth."

He is the most hilarious person to talk to about stuff like that. Who has bad dreams about cloth? CLOTH. hahahahaha I keep laughing to myself about it. The look on his face was priceless when he told me about it. We were eating lunch that he brought home for me because he has the day off of work.

I work tonight again. I feel like I work every day, honestly. I plan on working the window with Brad, if I can manage it. I'm pretty sure that he'd rather work with me than most of the other crew that work tonight, haha. Plus, Brad is fun and he sings. I don't even mind the inappropriate jokes sometimes- not so the customers can hear, of course. Hahaha, I feel tired though. Maybe it is these glasses- I should put in my contacts.

I think that sometimes I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm going into art. I want to work for Disney. But there is this whole other part of me that wants to do two or three different things. One is writing, one is music, and one is acting. I hate that I look like I don't know who I am in life. That whole "find yourself" concept seems dull to me. Why shouldn't I already know exactly who I am?

I yell at myself sometimes in my head, haha. Lately, I feel like I have deceived myself into believing that life is like a movie or a book- to the point where I believe that everyone gets a happy ending and like it should be scripted. I realize, however, that that is absolutely absurd. Life isn't scripted and I can't control it. I can't always get things my way- that is not how it works.

I have a heck of a lot of growing up to do. And I'm tired of people saying that I'm really mature and stuff, because I know that I am not. I have so much to learn.

I'm learning a song by ear on piano. The fact that I can do this astonishes me. I never really had much faith in my own musical ability. I never even finish learning a song all the way through. And I ignored Mrs. R's praise in choir when it came to sight reading and the sound of my voice. I'm just not that great at it- it's a hobby. That's it. But I love it like it were a person.
Mia keeps nudging my arm on the piano though- and our key board mysteriously disappeared from our basement without my knowledge. I'm going to go keep trying to get this down.

Chau for now.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Happy Memorial day, everyone!

I had a nasty dream last night and therefore awoke in a not so great mood. The guys (Matt, Jake, and Tom) were leaving right when I woke up which had me disappointed. One of them and I have been talking about seeing each other this weekend. But alas, they scurried off to DEMF and I changed out of my pjs and got ready for today.

I then proceeded to start a really dumb argument with someone through text message. Well, the argument was important in it's own way. And it came with a kick-in-the-(excuse me)ass at the end.

Why people insist on coming to me with relationship problems, I do not know. I ultimately have almost no experience in that area. And it's funny that I can watch other peoples' relationships weather storms when I give them advice, yet I can't manage my own. -sigh- honestly, I'm smiling right now, haha. Bizarre.

I have the strangest sense of humor ever.

Work tonight.

Chow for now.

I woke up today and my feet were still throbbing.

Worked again- no surprise. Earlier than expected but Jenny wanted to get a head start on things so that she could duck out of work early, of course. Plus, it would mean that she doesn't have to do it tomorrow. Why Dairy Queen has to be open for every single holiday ever, I do not know. But I don't mind because at least I get paid time and a half. Plus, it's not like I ever have anything planned for my days off or the holidays even. I lead a boring life- what can I say? Haha. Might as well work until exhausted and my feet fall off, right?

No luck on a second job yet. But I'm determined to overload myself this year. I'm very determined to stay focused on everything other than something social at the moment, I guess. Not that I'm being anti-social. I'm not, I promise. I am just trying to keep my mind running and busy with everything that should be more important than anything.

However, my secret plans for the summer have not quite vanished yet. But I'm stuck wondering about who to go to about it. It's weird that I don't speak about it out loud to anyone. It's really important to me and I'm trying to think it through very carefully- if I even ever work up the courage to make it happen. It worries me for no reason.

I'm so intrigued with this book. And for reasons that I know I shouldn't be. It's pulling me away from reality and putting specific pictures in my head. It's frustrating me in a good way, if that is even possible.

I talked to a new friend from CMU today and he informed me that at one point he had a mini-crush on me. I don't feel awkward about our friendship now that he has told me this, honestly. We're good friends and he's getting the shaft from people right now and is super stressed out. I wish I could be of more help. But I'm a friend and I'm doing the best I can. I try to make everyone happy and I don't see a problem with it.

I wish I could help so many people. I wish I could control things more.

Bllaaarg! My thoughts are giving me trouble right now, haha.

Chou for now.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Why am I reading a book that makes me think of reality in a fiction-sense?

One that makes me ponder about what could have been (or at least how similar perhaps) or one that I can draw parallels with my own life or one that makes me realize just exactly the raw emotion that I feel from time to time.

The answer? It's incredibly intriguing. I'm almost getting too enveloped in it. It happens, I suppose. I have come to realize that I am a dreamer and therefore my own world is more preferable to the one in which I live. I want to change things and make them go my way, but the reality of the matter is that there is nothing that I can say or do to do such a thing. But I, nevertheless, plug in scenarios in my head and dream about the fictional situations coming to life. My imagination is a very dangerous place to reside or have any knowledge of, in fact. Very dangerous, indeed.

Work was work. I'm tired of talking or complaining about it. The truth of the matter is that I need it and therefore, I should be grateful. No matter the endless hours or the conditions under which I operate or the people I operate with.

Jenny wants to go to the park on Tuesday with me and just read. I have, yet again, this perfect image formed in my mind. Cursed imagination. Perfection is not a reality and it plays tricks on my mind. However, the idea of a day in the park, reading until I have to go to work is a very nice idea, actually. I agreed to go, happily. Only, I forgot to tell her that I have no way of getting there- Joe is in school until at least 2:30 and I am without a vehicle. Well, I'll tell her tomorrow of this dilemma and maybe she'll offer me a ride- or to reschedule.

I want to write something that means something to someone.

Chau for now.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

It has been a stressful day off of work to say the least.

I awoke to find myself waiting patiently for Joe to come home with the car (he had a half day and I intended on job hunting). My dad came home at about 12:30 to find me lying in bed, still in my pajamas, and reading a book. Therefore, he is convinced that on my days off of work (though there are few), I spend my time doing nothing but lying around and doing nothing of importance. As he left the house, however, I began to apply for a job at AMC Rochester. I called my mom to ask a question about references and could hear my dad yelling in the background. He wanted me to apply to Beyond Juice. Josh K works there... For some reason, that makes it like "special" or something. I do not really have any desire to work there- true, I was going to apply originally, but upon being forced to apply, I responded with a simple, "I'll get to it eventually" and I nearly got my head chopped off through the phone. "We'll see if you go to Disney...." And with that, I told my mom that I needed to go, and I hung up.

I finished my application. Cried a bit here and there at the thought of my entire dream job slipping away though. Then, once Joe showed up after going out to lunch with his friends, I took the keys and drove to Beyond Juice and asked Josh and Bobby if they were hiring. Another online application. I hate online applications. They are the most unprofessional (in my opinion) way of applying for a job. I could lie if I wanted to and the application is probably just filed away and never given a second glance. Besides, Josh said that they were hiring... but he didn't sound enthuised- like they were maybe hiring only a couple more people. They don't get that busy anyway. Come on, they are no Dairy Queen.

I bought a smoothie which came with a free slice of delicious poppy-seed bread (I got two pieces because Bobby didn't know that Josh handed me one). I then returned to the big van in hopes of finding more places that were hiring. My mom was coming out of the bank as I climbed into the car. She came over and we talked for a bit and ugh... well, I won't get into it, but I must say that I thought some thoughts that should never have crossed my mind after our conversation was over. I was, in all honesty, disgusted and intensely repulsed and I thought things that I never would have imagined thinking. My mom had not said anything or done anything wrong.

I had the strongest desire to talk to someone ASAP. And when I got home (after purchasing a ton of stuff I don't need, of course), I was relieved to see Alana online. But I never really brought up what was bugging me. I'm beginning to think that it's best if I just keep my mouth shut about things, so maybe that is what stopped me. Either that or the call for dinner.

I finished re-reading Harry Potter. Luckily, when I was at Border's, I bought two more books. One was suggested by my co-worker and it intrigued me. The other... well, it's The Notebook. I just thought it'd be a good read and that maybe I should give it a shot. I also bought a book that listed a bunch of words that are considered "unmanly" and I laughed quite hysterically at some of the words when I pictured people saying them.

Tried helping out the one friend that has been messaging me lately. I suppose I'm not really a huge help- just an ear that listens when needed. Sometimes that is all that is needed, I think.

Tomorrow brings me back to work, yet again. No surprise there. I might be working all day on Sunday. My feet are going to hate me, but whatever. I work hard and hopefully it all pays off. Well, time to sleep.

Chou for now.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I have an hour before work.

I spent my day outside because it is a bright and beautiful 80 degree day. Michelle and I went to the park and decided that it was lacking flowers and more interesting things to take pictures of. She returned me home and I put on my swim suit top and lay out the sun until just now. When I am alone and sometimes listening to music or just chilling, my thoughts naturally wander. And today, my thoughts led me to disappointment.

I can't describe my thoughts to you, unfortunately. It would be a jumbled confusion of words and phrases that you would not understand. I just ended up in disappointment by the end of it all. In short, I guess, too much is taken for granted in life.

Way too much.

Chou for now.
The first absolutely, gorgeously beautiful day of summer, and I'm stuck indoors, serving customers.

I spent a majority of my time at work decorating logs in the back. Logs are ice cream cakes in the shape of logs. I didn't do my job as fast as I would have liked and I was distracted with Heidi's talk of her upcoming engagement/wedding from time to time. I don't mind making logs, but it hurts to make them; which, granted, I have no problem with but it slows me down when other people are "in the way". Logs are made in metal containers and then stored in the Monster (big freezer in the back). This causes the metal to freeze to the point where your skin feels like it is burning when you touch it. My hands literally stick to the containers (I'm sure I lose some skin, but my hands are nice and smooth now so I don't care) and then I rush them over to the scalding hot water to rinse the outside so that I can then flip it over on to the cardboard and remove the ice cream from it's frozen grasp. After that, the job is simple really. Comb it, take that giant knife and cut off parts of the end, and decorate it with cone dip, gels, or just leave a couple plain, then put the frosting around the bottom edge and stick it in the box. I wish I had done it faster today though. We were so busy since it was so nice out.

After work, I quickly ran home, changed, and washed my hair. My mother and I headed over to the Kwapis's pampered chef party. I have no money so I, personally, didn't buy anything. I'm planning at some point to make use of what my mother purchased. I want to learn to cook like her. I just have to juggle that and work and errand running and whatnot. Anyway, I met up with Anna and Michelle there and we chatted for a long time. I also talked to a bunch of parents that I hadn't talked to in a while. They all wanted to know about school and what I was planning to do with the rest of my life. I must've talked about Disney at least five different times. I seriously cannot wait. I just hope I get accepted now- I'm going to be so heartbroken if I don't.

Michelle and I are going to the park tomorrow at eleven. I want to take pictures of random things and tomorrow sounds perfect- weather-wise. I just need to keep track of time and be back home before four, which is when I work the evening shift of death. My crew tomorrow is going to be awful, no doubt. But I'm determined to make the best of it.

Chou for now.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I realized today that I really suck at running.

But it's cool because I don't care that I'm bad at it. I'm just glad I'm doing it and trying to gain something from it. And another thing is that today, while I was running I let my thoughts expand once more and saw things in a magnificent light that I wish I could I share with all of you. Honestly, however, I can't describe it to me. I stopped at one point to pick up a... is it a dandelion? I don't know- it's that weed that you are supposed to blow all the little seedlings off of and sometimes people make a wish... you know what I'm talking about? Anyway, I came to an opening where there was a bunch of them and so I slowed to a stop and picked one up. I closed my eyes and made a wish and blew the little white seeds into the wind. When I opened my eyes, a very hot, shirtless boy rode his bike right past me. I could have felt like an idiot and I'm sure he thought I was one, but I didn't care :) The moment was lived and it was just nice to watch a shirtless, cute, boy race by me without a second glance. I'd do it again, given the chance. I wish I had my camera with me on my run though.

I'm going to sneak the car out one of these days... Go to a park or an old playground I was familiar with and take some pictures. Shhh..... don't tell my parents. They probably wouldn't approve. I'm not allowed to do anything alone, of course. I'm a girl. I could get... abducted? Pshh. I'd be fine. I'm living life and enjoying the simplest of things.

Speaking of my parents, my mother informed me that she would be okay if I got my ear cartilage pierced. Also that a tattoo would be okay with her too. I'm terrified of needles, yet I find myself considering both of these options. I wonder if I just got it done and didn't tell anyone about it. I like to see if people notice things on their own.

Work was insane tonight, of course. Nothing was done during the day and Brad showed up a half hour late on accident. He talked to me a little bit about his girl problems- he had some uncool moves pulled on him by his now ex and someone he thought was a friend. I was typically supportive and also commented him on his haircut. It seemed to lift his spirits a little. Brad's a good guy. Funny, attractive, and I'm sure that any girl would be lucky to have him. I don't like it when people are down on themselves. Anyway, my feet are killing me and the line seemed to never end tonight. It only gets worse as the summer approaches. Courtney and Brad joked around about dreaming of stabbing me with a knife. And then Brad actually made the motion and, I must admit, I flinched. It was kind of a rush though. If I had leaned forward a little bit more to reach something, he would have actually punctured a hole, I'm sure. But it's all in good fun :) we went to T-Bell after work. Courtney, Tim, Ben, and I that is. I could not stop talking about anything and everything, hahaha. And I drove home with the windows rolled down and the music blaring, singing at the top of my lungs.

The stars are out tonight. I love the stars. And my front yard is now, I realized, perfect for just sitting out underneath them. If only someone would do such a thing with me.

My sister and Nic were supposed to come home this weekend. Josh graduated though and their doing something for his graduation!! So yay! Too bad I can't be a part of it though.

My prayer list keeps getting longer and longer it seems. But nevertheless, I won't stop- every little bit helps, I suppose :) And now I'm tired and this is long-ish. So goodnight world.

Chau for now.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Well, today was rather bland.

All I did was read and wait for a car to return home. Once Joe came home from school, I went to go rent a movie. However, when I reached blockbuster, my father called to yell at me and tell me that I can't take the car whenever I want. So I left disgruntled and without a movie. When I got home I tried to pour myself a glass of milk but was abruptly halted when my mom informed me that it was the last of the milk and unless I wanted to go get some from the grocery store.... I was not happy at this comment- I had just come from Kroger area and she could've mentioned it to Dad, and he in turn could've relayed the info to me. In conclusion, I skipped dinner and pleaded "not hungry".

Back to work tomorrow. And the next day and the next day.... At least I get tips tomorrow. Unfortunately, I normally use my tips as my spending money. However, this year I should probably just put most of it in the bank with my paycheck. I'm clinging to my dream of being able to afford a college education. I can't help but feel like my attempts are failing though. We'll see.

Tom and Matt made me a sandwich tonight and it was delicioussssss! I should hang out with Tom more often when I'm up at school- especially if it means free sandwiches :P my mood was transformed and I was overwhelmed with happiness at one point, actually. Happy thoughts or even not so happy ones gave me a boost for some reason.

Getting my hair cut or trimmed on Friday, I think. And well... I'm actually rather tired at the moment. Weird.

Chou for now.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

I'm pissed off, ticked off, in need of a massage....

I want to scream. I just thought of an extremely artistic picture that I am going to attempt to draw tomorrow. Or I'll be too lazy (which thinking about my lack of enthusiasm makes me even more angry). Tonight just got worse as it went on. And coming home to find my grades waiting for me on the computer made this faintly beating heart drop lower into my chest. My parents are never going to let me go to Disney now.

There goes my dream.

Tomorrow I'll turn my attitude around, but as I lie awake tonight, I have never felt so tense in my life. My mother spoke to me today about skipping a semester of school to stay home and work. I pretended to ignore her. And work did not help to sooth my brooding temper. I worked the window with Ben, who somehow swindled a break from his father, while Taylor got none. I also dealt with a horrible woman today. I hope she didn't really mother those children... That's an awful thing to say, I know, but she was dreadful. She decided that it was best to complain that she thought our chopped nuts were stale and therefore, tells me that she wants another one (after she has already paid). Ten minutes after I let her walk away, Taylor announced that it is illegal to take back products we sell- even if it is just going in the trash. So I felt like an idiot. I then got to watch Brad as he tried to get every girls' number in the place. Honestly, it was kind of disgusting to watch. He's cute, I'm not going to lie- but he couldn't have sounded more pig-like to me than he did tonight. I was also corrected on how I did certain things because they weren't "the best way" of doing it. I got offered (err guaranteed basically) a job that my mom thinks is too far of a drive. I served a teenager that resembled a girl that made my stomach turn uncomfortably at one point it time. The blood, I'm sure, was rather drained from my face before I did my double take. I also met an adorable little boy that reminded me of someone else too- both a good and bad thing. He was super cute though. :) I got stuck doing dishes because it is a "girl's job" and I didn't care to hear the guys complain about it the whole time.

On the bright side, I reminisced with Matt this morning about cartoons and such. And he gave me some music- and we all know I love music. And I returned an inbox message to the person that has been chatting with me lately- it was comforting to see that they wrote and I'm still flattered that they picked my quote to effect them so much.

My stomach is in a million knots and I just want to talk to someone but I refuse to do so. It's not important if it is not their problem. Goodnight, world.

Chou for now.
Today I successfully managed to think myself into a turmoil of endless thoughts.

Mostly about my secret plans that will probably never actually occur. I wrote a whole note about it, I guess... But the point got lost in all of the questions and jumble of words, so I only let one person read it. We both agreed it was an extremely confusing entanglement of sentences. Therefore, I'm going to leave that kind of thinking in my head from now on, I think.

I'm a thinker... That's what I've been told recently. It used to be rational thinking only. But now a border was breached and the irrational seeped through and mixed with the rational, so it's hard to sort through it all sometimes.

ANYWAY, haha, today was all around uneventful. Oooo guess what?! I ACTUALLY SLEPT WELL! For the first time in months. Especially since I've been home! I was so happy that I slept well when I woke up. I read a lot today. I'll probably read some more before I sleep too.

I saw LHNW's spring concert today. It was pretty good. The band was a bit lacking... Can't help but feel like I should've been up there helping the flutes out (especially on that last piece). I discovered one of my mother's favorite songs and could've sworn she was about to cry when Adam and Hunter sang it. Carrie got a standing ovation. She deserved it, of course; she has the most beautiful voice and she sang the perfect song to show her range. Overall, everything sounded very nice and I'd like to thank them all for a beautiful performance.

Mrs. Weber was there and informed me on how she had attended the Disney college program. My mother seems to think that I need to talk to someone about it. Whereas, I believe I already know that I want to go. It'd be good for me, I think, and it would get my foot in the door too. It's been a dream for a long time now, and I'm trying as best as I can to make it come true. I just wish that I had money and time to make everything work.

I want to dance. Strange as it sounds, it's true. The next day that I have off of work, I will be dancing in my bridesmaid dress (or whatever dress I try on) both slow and fast. Dreaming out loud in a way. I can't wait :)

Alana introduced me to a new song that is so catchy! I bought it on itunes already, haha. It's called "All of the Above" :) and it's fun. And I just asked Adam about learning that one song on guitar. Maybe I'll surprise my mommy and play it for her. That'd be nice.

Work tomorrow from 5-close. Find out my schedule for next week too. And I continue the job search. I hope I can find something. Maybe I'll try the movie theater... if my parents allow it. They should. I'm 18 and I'm capable of walking outside at night without getting raped. They need not worry.

Chau for now.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Middle schoolers' do not leave tips.

Well, if they do- it's usually maybe 24 cents worth every 16th kid, haha. I worked from 1-7 today because we had 150 Hart track team runners coming in from 2:30-3. The line was absolutely insane and I was working the window with Gilda. Yes, Gilda, the 80 year-old woman who has been at Dairy Queen since before I was born, is partially deaf, easily confused, doesn't speak louder than a whisper, wears a wig, and silently passes gas without warning. She's a cute old lady, but I really don't think she should still be working. She told me she likes working with me today though; because I don't yell at her and I'm basically understanding when she makes a mistake. Hey, she's old and I'm not going to disrespect the lady. I just wish she would warn us all before she let one loose, so we don't have to make up a code saying for it. It's so nasty smelling. Hahaha, sorry, not a pleasant topic. :P

I need a hair cut... Well, a trim at least. My bangs are super long right now and I'm starting to receive the you-look-emo comments from people like my older brother, Matt. I thought my hair looked pretty sweet today though. Oh, and some middle school boy took a picture of me when he was at my window. Kids are crazy.

I had a huge long debate with Matt about "rating" people of the opposite sex. I think he won the argument? But I still stand by my own statements. I hate arguing with him, even if it is just joking- you can't win!! Seriously.

Well, that's basically it for today, I think. OH! I almost forgot! Joe passed his driver's test and can now officially drive around by himself. He was so psyched about it when he showed up at work today. It was cute. He's growing up and stuff; it's weird but awesome. I suddenly feel really old, haha. I'm not even... wow. Crazy. Anyway....

Chou for now.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I guess I kind of tired myself out today, haha.

I started off by waking up late because I once again did not get a good nights sleep. It makes no sense, honestly. I have probably the most comfortable bed in the entire house. So why do I have a hard time sleeping? Hmmm.....

I then changed into some shorts and a cami and went running with my dog again. We didn't go as far this time, because I had to be back in time to pick up Joe from school. I think my face burned a bit =P. But it was nice, nevertheless.

Oooo, before I went out with Mia for the run, I tried on my bridesmaid dress again. I thought I had gained weight and was really frustrated by it for a while. My dress wouldn't zip up all the way, but I got it eventually. Then I turned up some music and danced like an idiot in it, around my room. I'm just cool like that sometimes, I guess.

I went to Kohls later but couldn't find anything. So I just came home and ate dinner with the family. After dinner, I decided that I wanted to see a movie. So I went by myself because no one was available to go with. I felt kind of bad, because I told my parents that I was going with someone. I really did not want to just sit at home another night maybe, I'm not sure. Nevertheless, the movie was good and I almost cried at one point. So yeah.

The car ride home was weird... So I cranked up the music and stopped at starbucks. Luckily, I still have my gift cards from Christmas.

Work tomorrow. Only because 125 middle-schoolers are coming in and Tom thought that our staff was short-handed; but eh, I'll be there now so it's all cool.

I'm interested to see the spring concert on Saturday. Should be entertaining.

Well, chau for now.
Okay, so maybe I write on this too much. But when I have something important or exciting or troubling on my mind then I feel the need to jott it down. This just happens to currently be easier than writing in my journal, because my journal is somewhere in the basement in a box full of my college stuff.

I am in the best of all moods right now. Yet, at the same time, it's not a great mood. Haha, it doesn't make much sense. Perhaps it's more of an apathetic outlook with a twist of optimism. It has progressively grown as the night advanced. And finally, I cannot hold it in any longer and must type as much as i can about it.

I said something to someone today that stuck with them. I helped them through a difficult situation. A situation that I know absolutely nothing about, but understood in the subtlety of the messages received. I was a friend and I was glad to be just that. I stared blankly at my screen as I just read their reply and how just one little sentence impacted them. To me, that is amazing for some reason. I can't believed I actually... Nothing I say ever seems to be of any importance. Tonight, that changed.

I had lost touch with myself for the past month. I've been dwelling on everything negative; and once I started looking towards the positive again, I saw other people in pain and I returned to my pit of pessimism. I guess that sometimes I just need a kick in the butt; yet, I have to do the kicking myself. I'm starting to see the simple beauty of things again. i can't tell you how long I've been searching for where I had put that part of me.
Life is beautiful and I should appreciate it more than I do.

Granted, the down side of things is not pushed out of my mind. I still wander back at unsuspecting moments. And I most certainly will never forget any of what has happened. But it's not fair of me to both myself and others, to dwell on the pain of things. I don't want to ever drag anyone down like that. It's not like me.
So things didn't work out. So I was wrong. So I don't even understand it. I'm not going to let it ruin my summer or my year. I'm still blessed. I have wonderful friends- both new and old- and a fantastic family.
And tomorrow my mood might do a 180 yet again. But honestly? I don't think so. I'm tired of that. I'm facing it.

So this blog post was a lot of self-motivation filled crap, I guess? Haha. I'm just excited for no reason. I've set my hopes up high yet again, fully aware of the thin edge they are on.

My parents decided to tell me that I needed a second job today. It was my first day off of work and I am not allowed a day to myself. I must be active at all points; always working. I was yelling (but not like legit argue-yelling) at my mother on the car ride back from the grocery store today. I specifically said, "I don't want to be 40. I'm only 18! I'm still a kid and I don't want to have to work to death before I graduate and then really have to work to death! IT WAS JUST ONE DAY!" Her response was, "Well, how many days do you need." *Sigh*

I'm tired of being older than I am. I'm not saying that I want to be less mature. I just want to have fun. Just a little bit of fun. Maybe a surprise and a little bit of happy tears every once in a while. I don't know. Just... f.u.n.

I'm planning a weekend trip to somewhere close to my heart. I'm going to invite some friends. But I'm really taking this quite seriously. Funny thing is that I haven't even gotten my dad's permission yet... or the other peoples' yet. Like I said, I am putting my hopes up high. I will not let anyone stand in my way of this. I've dreamt of this weekend for at least two years now. I am going to make it happen.

I also want to have a murder mystery party. That's being organized as well. Where I find the time for all this, I do not know. But I'm determined to make this all happen.

This will be a summer worth remembering.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

There is an app for that

I just about died of laughter at dinner tonight.

We were just finishing up and my parents and I were talking about how I had taken the dog for a walk, when my grandma suddenly cuts in and says, "Hey, Matt, you have an ipod?" To which Matt said he didn't but he has something similar to it. So my grandma then proceeded to ask, "In the ipod commercial, they always say there is an ____ for that. What are they saying? I can never figure out the third word. Is it add or abb or...?" Joe then interrupted with the correct word- App. We then explained what an app. was to my grandparents and now my grandma cannot stop saying "There's an app for that" I just about died of laughter. She is so funny and cute and yeah.... Wow.... Hmm... Good times.

Other than that, I have just about wasted my day. I picked up Joe at about 3:30 or 4, proceeded to take him to Dairy Queen, where I got a large shake and a small blizzard. I had planned on renting a movie, but quite frankly, I have no money left to do so. I wish I owned the Notebook. That would've been a good movie for tonight and my large amounts of ice cream, I think. After ice cream, I went to Hollywood market to pick up some crescent roll stuff for my mom to make dinner. She said she'd pay me back... I doubt it, but whatever. Joe kept my afternoon errand running interesting at least. He bought me an itunes card too- of course, I have to return the favor when I have money to afford it. =P

I wish I had something to do tonight. Someone to see or somewhere to go; but alas, another night at home... It's not so bad.

I'm listening to This Evil World by Gob. I must say I like it at the moment... Just a good song for me right now? Hahaha, I don't know. I just like it. Have a nice night <3>
Good morning all!

You know, I thought I was going to get a good nights sleep last night because I let myself be pushed to the point of exhaustion yesterday. Sadly, I still slept uncomfortably and not very long. I woke up at about 7:30... I didn't even use an alarm, I went to bed at 2AM, and no one woke me up at all- so why, oh why, can I no longer get a good nights sleep? Hmmm...

I am so incredibly sore today too. I guess that taking the dog for a walk and run was not the best idea before working a night shift at the DQ. Speaking of working at the DQ, I mentioned that I worked with my boss last night and some of his family. I also worked with the new girl, Carley. She seemed nice and I really like meeting new people. Jule seemed nice too, even though I didn't appreciate her need to stock everything in the middle of a line-out-the-door. I wound up working both windows at the same time at one point. Carley can't make cones yet and Jule was doing something in the back and Andy was eating dinner and I was working the other window. So I had to manage both at the same time. I don't think either families gave me a tip either =[ But who knows! I can't wait for tip money. It's my spending money. Paycheck goes straight in the bank as soon as I get it. Oh, and I picked up a shift on Friday. Apparently, we have 125 people scheduled to come in at some point so they need an extra person to work. That person is me. Six hour shift (1-7) ... yay. Except I might miss Nick's play that I'm supposed to be helping with tonight =[

I was thinking the other day (dangerous thing for me to do, I know) about how sometimes you say something and it shocks you. I was talking to Alana about it. It's like.... you didn't realize that that is exactly what you mean and are trying to say? I don't really know how to explain it without explaining the entire story, which honestly, is something I will not allow myself to do; plus, it is very long anyway. It's just an interesting thing to think about, I suppose.

Today is meant to be a day dedicated to second job-hunting. I'm unmotivated yet again, in all honesty. Plus, I feel like chopping my legs off every time I move. Nevertheless, I'll get out there at some point today. Right now I'm filling out online applications... I want to drive to Partridge Creek Mall and look there, but my mother didn't seem happy with that idea. Apparently, that is too far and would be pointless because I would have to pay for gas to get there. Yet, I have practically a gauranteed in for a job over there. But I'll look more locally for a couple more days. I still don't think it's that far. Half hour drive, tops.

Well, the day has barely started. If anything interesting happens or if I get really bored then I'll probably write again later. But it's time for me to change and do something of use.

Chau for now.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Did my butt get bigger or did these pants get tighter?

Anyway, two posts today- lucky you, I have no life and resort to typing about my day on the internet! Woo-hoo!

I just got back from taking my dog on our hour and a half walk/run. Mia is exhausted and laying out in her pen. I'm inside sipping on some ice water, haha, waiting for work to come around- or something exciting to happen before then! I do believe it is safe to say that my face is a little sun-burnt and my shoulders have a cornucopia of freckles on them now. I'm really hungry too, but I don't feel like eating. Especially when these pants are tight on me... hahahaha.

Before I left the house on my little walking/running extravaganza, I noticed an anonymously sent card addressed to my family. Since I am, afterall, a Heins family member, I opened it, expecting it to be someone thanking my parents for something or an invite to a graduation or something of the sort. However, I flipped open the card with flowers on the outside and it read, "Hello, Smile today!" with a funny little smiley face. I stared blankly at it for a while, wondering who it could be from,but I gave up and went to get the dog. That was nice of them... I recognized the smiley face from somewhere, I think... I just can't put my finger on exactly who... Nevertheless, it was a nice thought and I did, in fact, smile- I did need one at the time, actually =]

On my walk, there was a sharp pain in the left side of my chest and my left arm went rather numb. I laughed at the irony of the pain and just figured it was because I was out of shape- I probably just pinched a nerve. I didn't black out, so no harm done- I'm okay! Hahaha

I've noticed lately that I've been making the war that is going on between my thoughts public... Oops. That is not supposed to happen. You'll be glad to know that I will continue the war in silence and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. It's not like me. I typically am the person people go to for advice about stuff that I never should have understood... And lately, well... I've been acting fairly immature. I've got some growing up to do; and until I do, it's best if I don't speak what I feel to the full extent. No body likes to listen to depressing matters. And I've been a sad puppy. (I've used that term twice now, I believe, haha)

Ladies and gentlemen, I am here for support and will help anyone any way I possibly can. No problem is too big to talk to me about. And apparently, I'm good at keeping things to myself when needed- so trusting me is not an issue.

Anyway, I am feeling very tired all of a sudden. Must've been all the running... which wasn't very much, I'll admit =P

Chou for now.
I woke up at about a quarter to eight today. An hour and fifteen minutes before my alarm. I was not a happy camper.

I suppose that that is what I get for falling asleep early! Haha, nevertheless, I hit snooze at 9AM, and slept until eleven. There went my plan of waking up early and taking Mia for a walk. Granted, I could still take her for a walk and I intend to do so. But I have been laying in bed since I've woken up, more or less moping and feeling sick. It looks like a beautiful day out though; as I stare out my bedroom window... Hahaha, I'll get out there. Maybe get a sunburn? Afterall, I can't tan =P
I don't think it is warm enough for shorts, but Mia will probably pull me and keep me running, so I think I'll wear sleeveless and shorts anyway. I could use a good run anyway. I may wind up twisting my ankle on this awful dirt road, haha, but this weather is too good to pass up. And I'm getting fat and lazy so I need to get out there! =P

Work yesterday wasn't so bad, as I mentioned previously. Tonight is going to be dreadful, I'm assuming. I'm working with my boss's family (all of which hate working and therefore try to get out of it by sitting around in the back or running errands) and the new girl, who probably isn't allowed to work the machines yet. If we aren't busy, we'll be cleaning stuff that has probably already been cleaned. Maybe Tom will teach me how to clean machines tonight?! Oooo maybe I'll get a pay raise! hahaha, now wouldn't that be nice! At least I will probably see at least one person that I know. That is how it usually goes. I know practically every face in this small town, it seems. Photographic memory can be interesting at times. Sometimes, I'll be out shopping and I'll pass by someone and be like, "Where do I know them from?!?!" and a half hour later I decide that they came into Dairy Queen at some point.

You know what I like? Surprises. Of the good variety, of course. Bad surprises are... well, interesting but hectic, haha. I've always secretly hoped for a surprise birthday party. Or just a birthday party with my friends in general. But my parents didn't believe in parties with friends. Granted, the family ones were always a hoot. But I don't know... My birthday is typically forgotten by everybody except my family,haha. Well, and Leah. She got me a shirt that I seemed to have misplaced somewhere in this house last year. Then again... I don't ever tell anyone when my birthday is... I found a note in one of my notebooks that I had written in my psych class last year on my birthday. I was acting like a sad puppy! Haha, it was talking about how it was already 3:30 and no one from my family had called and wished me a happy birthday yet! It happened eventually, of course. I was just impatient. That was a bland birthday that went by unnoticed. Can't wait for the same thing this year! WOO!! Haha, I'm not even sure why I'm talking about my birthday right now- it's not for a nother four months! =P
Now that I think about it though- I'm not sure I've ever received a surprise. Hmm...

Just reminiscing on the past year, I suppose. Like when my mom sent me that picture of just Joe's face and it was all beaten up. No explanation or nuthin' and she didn't pick up her phone when I had called. Naturally, I was worried sick and over-reacting already. Turns out his face was just stepped on with a soccer cleet and he went unconcious and had to go to the hospital. They had to wake him up every 3 hours that night. Just a minor concussion. Nothing that serious.

*shudders* hospitals freak me out. I hate needles. When I get old- I'd rather just die in my house than have needles be jabbed into my arms and whatnot. I'll pass on the morphine injections and draining of fluids, thanks. I don't like even visiting hospitals. They make me cringe and I feel sick when looking at the patients and stuff. I am not a fan.

Upon searching for my ipod shuffle charger, I realized that I am the only one home right now.... Perfect opportunity to run away.... hahaha.... but seriously. Anyway, I'm not sure if I can leave the house for my walk now! =[ I don't have a key. And I'm not strong enough at the moment to climb through Joe's window when I get back. It's so lovely looking out though!!! How sad.

Well, maybe I'll go for a walk/run anyway and just stay locked out for a couple hours. Hmm... I better get a move on, I suppose. I work later..... *sigh* and my thoughts are torturing me. It might be good to clear my head in the safest way possible.

Chau for now.

Monday, May 11, 2009

I can't help but feel like I've ruined everything.

All the pleading and the tears... they don't get me anywhere and they just... Make things worse, I guess.

Ladies and gentlemen, while I was away at school this year, during my second semester, I fell in love. I'm not embarrassed by it, I'm not mad that I did, and I am not dealing well with the aftermath that has destroyed my heart. I don't know what to do and am constantly reduced to tears when it comes to certain thoughts. I just wish that everything had worked out for me and him. I wish we were still together. I honestly can say that I am terrified at the thought of him not being there. I guess that sometimes one person falls in love, and the other person just falls away. Yada, yada- you can tell me that there are tons of fish in the sea. I've heard it a thousand times already. I hate hearing it. You don't realize that I had the perfect catch already. But I didn't have the proper hold and the fish slipped through my fingers and back in to the water.
I don't like talking about my relationships much. They are personal to me. This one most especially. I've never felt this way before, and I hate to annoy people with my heartbroken thoughts flying out of my mouth. I only need myself. Before I met him, I had already decided that being single my whole life wouldn't be so bad.
Don't tell me I'm over-dramatic. I was hurt- try to be understanding instead.

I had my first day of work today. I was cheerful the whole day and did a lot of work. Nothing like serving the people of this town, one ice cream cone at a time. I actually saw a couple people that I knew too. It was nice. I work again tomorrow from 6:30-10:30... this time with my boss. I have Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off- I'll go job hunting, of course.

Well, I'm tired and I need a spirit lifter. So I might go read.
I feel sick...

Chou for now.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Bah, bah, bah, bah, BAH!

I can't say that I am a huge fan of lying and saying that I'm okay with certain things. But it's best if I do and stuff. Well, phooey on the best of things. If it even is the best thing to be doing. ANYWAY, this is not a matter to be discussing publicly.

Neither is the fact that I cried myself to sleep last night and have no idea why. I think it was because I created a scenario in my head in which I was distraught- I could see it all perfectly- stupid visual thought processor. But half way through my tears, I was silently chuckling to myself and asking myself how this possibly could've happened. I had no real reason to be crying. It was like I was having a nightmare, yet I was still awake almost completely. It was completely bizarre; so naturally, I'm fascinated by it.

Today was pretty awesome. I didn't have much more cleaning to do because it was almost completely finished by Friday evening. So instead, I pulled out my acoustic guitar, had my brother tune it/teach me to tune it, and pressed my fingers to the uninviting and hurtful strings. I didn't really learn a whole lot today; just kind of messed around with chords and tried to get used to the feel of a different guitar.

Dad's side of the family came about an hour or so after we picked up the chicken. I was reading at the time. Anna and I spent a majority of our time reminiscing back to older, better days. We played Sega and started to watch The Lion King, but she had to leave just as the movie was starting so it was rather short-lived.

Joe at this very moment, is using my desk computer, which happens to be dysfunctional for reasons beyond my own understanding. Mike is supposed to fix it in a week, I think. Meanwhile, Joe grumbles while he can't send his paper through e-mail and our printer is out of ink. I offered a simple solution, but he told me it was a waste of his time. *Sigh* I can't win that argument.

I start work tomorrow at 12:30 PM. I hope I remember how to work everything correctly. Afterall, we are one of the busiest Dairy Queen's in the state... I honestly hope that I'm not working with my boss. No offense to him at all. He's very nice; it's just that no one really likes working with the person in charge, I think. It puts you on edge and the pressure gets you more often than not. I'm hoping he takes the day to go golfing or something.

Well, Joe just left in a huff. I'm going to see what's up and if I can help.

Chau for now.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Eventful, yet a good day, I believe.

I woke up at about eleven to my younger brother asking if I would like to accompany him and Matt to the mall to go shopping. Naturally, being of the female persuasion, I jumped on this opportunity. They were shopping for mother's day gifts; something that I had already taken care of a day or two before. So when I saw Forever 21, I went inside and did a little shopping for myself with the money that I've been trying so hard to not spend. I walked out with three shirts and a necklace.

I returned home to find the house still full with Aunts and Uncles and dinner being prepared. I was starving and waiting until that ham and cheesy potatoes were ready was extremely difficult. It was worth the wait though. I just grabbed the 6th Harry Potter book and began re-reading it so that I refresh my memory before the movie hits the theaters.

Last night, Matt, Joe, and I watched Clue. It brought back good memories and we laughed quite a bit. Tonight, my mother and I watched the movie that I gave her for mother's day- Marley and Me. I had never seen it before but expected the sad ending; yet, I cried anyway.

Ooooo, and I learned a song on guitar. Well, part of it anyway. And I'm still learning stuff. Granted, I pieced together the notes by myself and then double checked to see if I was right. I was very proud of what I had gotten accomplished.

I kept my mind fairly free of certain things today. I tried to push it all from my mind. I was unsuccessful on the car ride to the mall, but it worked fairly well for the rest of the day. Well, obviously until now because I'm typing about how I was trying not to think about it- so typically, at the moment, it has crossed my mind yet again.

Tomorrow, Dad's side of the family raids our house. It'll be yet another good time and plenty of good food to go around. I was supposed to make the jello tonight... I forgot.

I'm going to go play with my dog. And- if Joe allows it- she'll be sleeping in my room tonight. I've missed my puppy =P

This was decently short...
Chou for now.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Ahhh, day three of summer.

Today was spent frantically running around doing things in preparation for my aunt and uncle's arrival this evening. On top of that, I also needed to pick up Joe and get ready to go to dinner with Anna at about 4:30PM. I must say that it is nice to be home; but I did not expect this to be how I was welcomed back. Cleaning my room and being kicked out of it on the third day I'm home? Not exactly relaxing, honestly. Granted, it's for company and I don't mind. I just want summer to start is all.

I've been thinking more and more about writing something of value (like a book or, dare I say, a song) lately. I'm not sure why exactly. I just feel particularly inspired, I suppose. We'll see; maybe it is just a passing idea.

I've noticed more and more lately that I cannot relax much. I try to, but something comes up and suddenly I'm running around doing errands and meeting with people and such. It's all good fun, of course; but I need a day to myself, I think. Time to unwind- like I said, I'm waiting for summer to actually start.

I went and saw my high school's production of Annie tonight. Honestly, I was a little disappointed. I mean, I went into it with a positive attitude and hopes of it not being a total disaster, but it just was not... what's the word I'm looking for? up to par? And the par was not high up there in the first place. I'm not trying to bash anyone in the performance. I just think that when you are expected to learn lines and songs, then you need to have them memorized by the time of the performance- no excuses. And none of this type-casting business. Everyone gets a fair audition in my book anyway. But I'm not in charge and I really have no place criticizing the direction of others. *Sigh* I suppose that what it comes down to is that I miss theatre life.

Well, that's all for now, I guess. My prayers go out to Katie's family in particular right now ='[. Rough stuff.

Chou for now

(Is it chau or chou? Spell check keeps wanting to correct me- it says it is Chou... I think it's wrong. And I'm not familiar with the spelling, I guess. I don't typically say the word ever...)
Today marked the first day of summer for me.

I went to lunch with Steph K today. It was nice to be catching up on things from back home, of course. She has started seeing this guy that works at Lipuma's- they're really cute together and she is super excited about him. We had a nice long chit-chat as we walked to the park and towards the library today. During which she told me how much he understands and whatnot about her. In turn, I said something about my no-longer-existing relationship that made my stomach take an uncomfortable turn. I hadn't realized how much it was going to suck to have to think about him all summer. I'm not one to forget something that meant more to me than just about everything. *Sigh* what's a girl to do? Trudge on.

When I talk about certain things sometimes, I tend to sound slightly poetic with a hint of romantisicm, I think. Leah and Alana both mentioned at points that I should write a book. I generally laughed at the idea at first, because I can't imagine being able to write something with my heart and soul amidst the pages. Lately, however, I've been giving it some thought. We'll see... Maybe if I get bored enough this summer on a day that I'm not working.

I've been feeling kind of nausiated lately. I wonder if I'm getting sick or if it's something else. Today, I actually got to the point where I didn't feel like I wanted to smile or socialize? It was so bizarre. Especially since I spent all day with Stephanie and then met up with Jennifer and a couple others.

I'm trying really hard to take a positive outlook on this summer. I definitely want to enjoy it. But I will admit that yesterday was really hard on me as I was returning home- not only did I not get to say goodbye to someone, but my father informed me of some stuff during our stop for dinner that I've been struggling with/don't talk to anyone about really. But I'm keeping my hopes up.

Chau for now.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Well, today was a beautiful nightmare.

I did not sleep at all last night. I stayed up working on my design projects that I'm hoping drastically impact my grade for the better. I'm hoping for an A, of course. After finishing up the one project, I collected my BCA 288 notes and book and headed to Kaya to study- it was 6:30 AM. I studied for an hour and a half straight- struggling to keep myself sane the entire time.
I took the final, returned to my room with yet another cup of coffee (which I detest the taste of, by the way), and proceeded to speed through another project that was due at 2 PM. I'm proud of how everything turned out and I'm rather pleased with the amount of work and studying I got done in a short amount of time. That class lasted until four- I was dying to get out of that room, of course. And when I got back to my dorm, I took off for a walk outside because it was beautiful out today- and I secretly hoped to add some color to my pale skin.
I called my mother and was informed of several things that I already knew. One being that Mrs. R from LHNW is pregnant. That school goes through English teachers like Hogwarts went through DADA professors. But like I said, I knew this information already. I also knew that my cousin broke off his engagement due to matters that I have no business knowing and, therefore, will not ask. All that leaves me with is a nasty taste in my mouth and a bitter outlook on the concept of promises. Don't make a promise if you're going to break it.
I'm going home Wednesday and starting work at the DQ next week already. Oh, and I'm looking for a second job. This summer is going to be fabulous, let me tell you (every inch of sarcasm intended). Well, at least I'm making money though, right? I have mixed feelings about going home. But honestly, I'm coming around to the idea of leaving here for a couple months. I'm just worried about being forgotten by some people I consider very important.
Anyway, I'm probably going to wind up at Kaya at some point again. No more coffee for me though- it made me feel pretty sick to my stomach this morning. I have math homework to finish before my exam tomorrow and a chemistry exam to study for as well. And look at the time! Wow, 11:22 already. Hmm... Guess I better get going.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

I have resorted to creating a blog in hopes of further procrastinating studying for finals. But I like to write, so perhaps this will be of more use to me than I expect it to be.
One thing you should probably know is that I don't typically write about anything of importance, so it you were looking to find some sort of useful information then I suggest you look elsewhere. You should also probably know that I tend to be self-absorbed at times and I can be very blunt and maybe even a little harsh at times. Then again, maybe you didn't actually need to know any of that. I just thought I would state it before being called out on it.
That being said, I'm just an average eighteen year old girl, who goes to college and hopes of someday making something of myself. I've been known to be extremely quiet and I've heard that I'm a good friend- that's not my decision to make, so I have no way of truly knowing; other than from what I hear anyway. I'm short and sometimes have a short-temper as well. Granted, I do not go around yelling at people for just anything. I, instead, have developed a reputation of being too nice to everyone. Since when is there a limit on how nice you can be?
I like sitting outside. It's actually where I am at this very moment. I find it very relaxing, honestly; and it helps me to sort through my crazy, unorganized thoughts.
At the beginning of this new and exciting college life, I will admit that I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew who I was too. But as I take a step back from things, I'm coming to realize that I am less sure than when I started. I don't know where my life is headed and I can't help but feel that I am running out of time- even though I am only eighteen and have my whole life ahead of me.
Oops, as much as I would love to ramble on and on about myself, something has come up and has made it so that I am unable to continue for the time being. I should be studying anyway. Later.