Thursday, May 14, 2009

Okay, so maybe I write on this too much. But when I have something important or exciting or troubling on my mind then I feel the need to jott it down. This just happens to currently be easier than writing in my journal, because my journal is somewhere in the basement in a box full of my college stuff.

I am in the best of all moods right now. Yet, at the same time, it's not a great mood. Haha, it doesn't make much sense. Perhaps it's more of an apathetic outlook with a twist of optimism. It has progressively grown as the night advanced. And finally, I cannot hold it in any longer and must type as much as i can about it.

I said something to someone today that stuck with them. I helped them through a difficult situation. A situation that I know absolutely nothing about, but understood in the subtlety of the messages received. I was a friend and I was glad to be just that. I stared blankly at my screen as I just read their reply and how just one little sentence impacted them. To me, that is amazing for some reason. I can't believed I actually... Nothing I say ever seems to be of any importance. Tonight, that changed.

I had lost touch with myself for the past month. I've been dwelling on everything negative; and once I started looking towards the positive again, I saw other people in pain and I returned to my pit of pessimism. I guess that sometimes I just need a kick in the butt; yet, I have to do the kicking myself. I'm starting to see the simple beauty of things again. i can't tell you how long I've been searching for where I had put that part of me.
Life is beautiful and I should appreciate it more than I do.

Granted, the down side of things is not pushed out of my mind. I still wander back at unsuspecting moments. And I most certainly will never forget any of what has happened. But it's not fair of me to both myself and others, to dwell on the pain of things. I don't want to ever drag anyone down like that. It's not like me.
So things didn't work out. So I was wrong. So I don't even understand it. I'm not going to let it ruin my summer or my year. I'm still blessed. I have wonderful friends- both new and old- and a fantastic family.
And tomorrow my mood might do a 180 yet again. But honestly? I don't think so. I'm tired of that. I'm facing it.

So this blog post was a lot of self-motivation filled crap, I guess? Haha. I'm just excited for no reason. I've set my hopes up high yet again, fully aware of the thin edge they are on.

My parents decided to tell me that I needed a second job today. It was my first day off of work and I am not allowed a day to myself. I must be active at all points; always working. I was yelling (but not like legit argue-yelling) at my mother on the car ride back from the grocery store today. I specifically said, "I don't want to be 40. I'm only 18! I'm still a kid and I don't want to have to work to death before I graduate and then really have to work to death! IT WAS JUST ONE DAY!" Her response was, "Well, how many days do you need." *Sigh*

I'm tired of being older than I am. I'm not saying that I want to be less mature. I just want to have fun. Just a little bit of fun. Maybe a surprise and a little bit of happy tears every once in a while. I don't know. Just... f.u.n.

I'm planning a weekend trip to somewhere close to my heart. I'm going to invite some friends. But I'm really taking this quite seriously. Funny thing is that I haven't even gotten my dad's permission yet... or the other peoples' yet. Like I said, I am putting my hopes up high. I will not let anyone stand in my way of this. I've dreamt of this weekend for at least two years now. I am going to make it happen.

I also want to have a murder mystery party. That's being organized as well. Where I find the time for all this, I do not know. But I'm determined to make this all happen.

This will be a summer worth remembering.

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