Friday, July 31, 2009

I really miss being in theater.

Randomly, I go into these moods. At these points in time, I find myself trapped in thoughts of being on stage. The rush of knowing my part. The nerves that send adrenaline throughout my body. The voice that I fear may shake in the presence of an audience.

I love singing. And I love acting. However, neither have been a strong point and I've just kind of let them fade into my 'younger' years, haha. But when I'm alone in my room at certain points in time, I can see it all in my head. The bright lights and laughter and missed cues and... well, you get the idea. I just wish I had made it a bigger part of my life.

I just spent fifty dollars on itunes within the past two days. A majority of it went towards purchasing soundtracks that I may own but cannot locate. One of which is Phantom of the Opera (the broadway version, I know I own. So I bought the movie version instead until I find it, haha) and another which is, of course, Moulin Rouge. I have thusly decided that I really want to see Phantom of the Opera again. And I'll be watching Moulin Rouge as soon as I have "free time".

Anyway, I'm exhausted. It's been a long day. I woke up and visited Steph at work again (the other job this time) and then I ran home to change and then I ran to the office to go from there to the viewing of my soon-to-be-uncle's mom. Funeral homes are bizarre to me. And I've decided that when I die, I don't think I'd want an open casket. I don't want anyone to look at me and know that I'm not actually sleeping. That I won't actually wake up. There is something disturbing about that to me. But that is in the far future, I hope. Although I almost drove into traffic on accident today... hahaha oops.

Then I went to "girl's night" for dinner and shopping in Parisian. It was okay. More money out of my pocket. More things I can't afford to be paying for.

Speaking of unaffordable things in life, school is going to be difficult in that area. Prayers are appreciated just for my financial state at this point. I just lost 2,000 dollars. And I have to pay for Disney by myself. When I'm done with that, my mom thinks I should take a year off of school and just work. We'll see. Personally, I think I should just take out a loan or something. Why was I born into a family who doesn't believe in loans? hahaha Beats me.

My mom told me that she still has her record player in our house somewhere... I want to get it fixed and bring it with me. I'm fascinated with both music and sometimes old, rare-ish items. Not that I'd even have room for it. But conversation piece much? I think so. ^.^

I got my hair cut. It looked AWESOME yesterday. And so I took it as an opportunity to wear my new vest and go to Best Buy and spend more of that money I don't have. I felt really good and I wish that someone were there to spend it with me.

Oh, Steph has seen me for about a week straight now. It's insane. Fun. But insane. Last night she like.... snuck into my house hahaha. And she feared awkwardness, I think. But it was cool... I cannot explain that, sorry.

ANYWAY, like I said, I'm tired. And I've got really awesome music to listen to and work in the AM.

Goodnight, world.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I'm in tears.

You know, I thought this week was alright. I thought I was going to trudge through it. I could keep my head high just this once. There is no problem too big.

I never used to be the emotional kind of person.

I just talked to my mom on the phone. I had made dinner for my family and grandparents tonight because my parents are busy with work and my grandma shouldn't make dinner anymore, really. I was short with my mom on the phone and I'm not even sure why. I could hear my father yelling at me on the other line for my attitude. I could hear him telling me that he was sick of it and I wouldn't go to Florida. Granted, I know that this has happened before and I will still be going, but I don't like it being threatened to be taken away either. I called my mom back after I ate with my grandparents in order to ask if I should cover up the food for them. She then apologized for my father and said that he was on edge today. It turns out, they found out my aunt Sandy's baby stopped moving. It's dead.

And so I'm crying.
Maybe I shouldn't be. I mean, I knew that it was going to happen anyway. It wasn't supposed to happen today. And I wish that it hadn't. I wish it hadn't happened at all. I was hoping for a miracle.
I've never been so upset to not be able to know someone.
That was my baby cousin.
Gone.

And I can't imagine what Aunt Sandy and Uncle Dave are going through.

Prayers would be appreciated. Please.
I am a natural observer of people. I love to people watch. It fascinates me.

I went to Cedar Point last Thursday with Steph and Adam H and Sajel. It was a lot of fun, of course! I hadn't ridden like half the stuff there so we took that opportunity to ride everything humanly possible to ride. It rained a little bit but that kept the lines down. We were walking around at one point and, well, there was this lady... And she was very large. And in a one piece bathing suit. Normally, I don't take time to point out such sights but this particular lady had a leg vagina. Her rolls in her leg had former another vagina. I know that sounds disgusting but when you see it, you not only are digusted but you can't help but laugh. A lot. And maybe that seems mean; however, this is not a normal sight and we weren't picking apart the lady or anything. We just had to laugh.

Like I said, people watching is fun.

I went to a Jonas Brothers concert again last night. Yes, another one. Yes, I am tired of their concerts for the most part. I need a break from the Jonas Brothers, haha. But I did have a lot of fun. I like being in a place that has so much high energy. It is very amusing for me to just watch the crowd go freaking nuts. It was pretty much like the South Park episode described, haha. I did really like the concert though. And I'm not making fun of the Jonas Brothers, because I do enjoy their music- despite the ridicule that ensues from liking the band. We went to McDonalds afterwards. It was a good time and I'm glad that I was invited.

I really, really, really want to go to Warped tour. I like a LOT of bands that are goign to be there. However, I don't believe I will be allowed to go alone. My parents would kill me, haha. But I really want to go. I just need to find someone.

It's funny how things end up.
And it makes me sad sometimes...
*shrugs* I should've known better and seen it coming. I suppose I did but didn't want to believe it.

Well, I'm going to the mall before Joe needs the car. It's my day off today. Finally, a day to myself.
<3

Oh, and I snuck out of the house the other night. But that is a story for another day.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

You know what is fun? Severing friendships. Just chop here and there and BAM!!! Severed. If you need tips then you can ask me about it, because I'm a pro.

Okay, so not really- I'm being very over-dramatic.

I just had a rough night. And realized a lot about how I am doing things lately. And how it isn't healthy and stuff and how I've hurt a couple people and how I should've felt worse sooner than now. But the truth is that I didn't. Sometimes, I didn't even blink to let it escape my cluttered thoughts. I want to change it, but I don't know how.

Thank goodness for being screwed over by a never existing relationship, right? Well, it's got to happen sometime, I suppose.

And BAM! Here I am,

Confused.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I am upset.
By a number of things.

I'm not bringing out any specifics today. But I am tired of crying when there isn't a good enough reason to be doing so.

I could be optimistic about the rest of this year.
I could be.

But honestly? The reality of things is that this year is going to suck majorly.
I just have to make the best of the moments that are the good moments. The ones that make me smile. I'm not going to be negative unless there is a reason to be- I'm going to try anyway.
I am prepared.

Owl City is my favorite right now. I couldn't sleep last night. I slept in until 11 without waking up once- that's the first time that has happened to me... Well, at least this summer anyway.

I've made a lot of mistakes. But I'm not a horrible person.
I need space.
Wide open space =]

This is really vague. Not completely intentionally vague... Just vague. Lots on my mind and I've been running around all day trying to clean and work and figure things out. All in a desperate attempt to get permission to go to CedarPoint on Thursday with Steph to see Adam Hoff. =] I miss that kid. He was really cool.

Okay. I'm going to do 100 crunches and then go to sleep. Work tomorrow.

Goodnight, moon.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I suppose it's been a while. But then again, who measures the time in the term "a while". Haha, sorry, I must be tired or just confused.

I can't decide if I'm unhappy or indifferent about not being invited to something. It would have been better if I hadn't found out about it and it would have been better if it wasn't constantly dangled in front of me as doing something with "favorites". Suddenly, I'm not a favorite and honestly, I'm not sure how to take that. Part of me says, "who cares? You're happy either way and it's not a big deal" and part of me argues with, "well, what did you do? Is there a reason for not being invited? Is it a misunderstanding? You must have answers!" Sometimes I tease myself with the thought of, "Are we really as good of friends as I think we are?" I mean, not that being invited places and stuff defines a friendship; but lately, there are a lot of other things that have come to my attention. Eh, I'll just leave it be. I'm just being over-dramatic. I've got a headache.

I just got back from a family reunion this morning. I've always loved the idea of getting together with family that I may not even know and just hanging out. I laughed a lot! And ate pizza that tasted surprisingly like black licorice. But it wasn't long enough and some things just made me feel sad. I took a lot of pictures, of course. And I rode in my uncle's rented Camero. It is my current "dream" car. I got offered a trip to the trailer too. And I am going to take it.... As soon as I have a spare weekend and a friend that is available.

I wish I were taller sometimes. And I wish I had money to buy things that I don't need. Like fancy, fashionable clothes. I think I'm going to go shopping tomorrow. Which will in turn, make me sad, hahaha, since I am money impaired. *Sigh*
I wish I were prettier too. Not that I don't think I am. Sometimes, I hate that I think that I'm pretty. It's twisted, haha. Maybe I wish that I were prettier on the inside. Not so much the outside.

I'm very tired of being judged and hearing other people judge other people. I'm tired of secretly passing my own judgments when I know it's wrong. But more than anything, I am tired of people being fake. And I'm tired of hearing that "everything is going to be alright" when the people saying it aren't even sure if it is true.

I'm tired of myself.
But I was told that I shouldn't change.
So now what?


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Italian language is pretty similar to Spanish. Just a slight different pronunciation of words. Then again, I suppose you could say that about a lot of different languages. Well, regardless, I think Italian is a beautiful language. And therefore, have decided to learn it.

That way I can say things that no one understands... haha, for some reason that makes me a slight bit cooler. It's a language that I think is often overlooked. And I find it fascinating. It makes me feel like I'm motivated to do something worthwhile. Or something of that nature anyway.

I just designed a pair of converse but didn't order them because I'm trying to cut back on using my card on the internet. BUT I do need a pair of shoes to just chill around in. I need to monitor the little money that I have. I've got big dreams to fulfill. None of which are going to be very cheap.

I bought an ipod. Did I mention that already? It's 120GB. Plus, my zune magically started working again- so basically I have 150GB at least of music/videos/tv shows/games to fill. I'm pretty excited. Music is like my life outside of the physical aspect of art.

I'm going to the zoo with Alana on Wednesday and I couldn't be any more excited! I cannot wait to see her! Plus, I get to cross something off my list of things to do this summer!!! It's going to be an awesome day, basically.

Speaking of Wednesday, it is my ONLY day off this week. Well, besides Saturday; but that's because I took Saturday off for my grandma's 80th birthday cause we're doing this huge family thing. Apparently, it's a big deal. ANYWAY, only one real day off this week- which is both good and bad. The bad part of it being that I have no free time and Dad found out about my hair and flipped his lid, I guess. My parents' are afraid that I'm going to come home with more piercings and a tattoo without telling them.
Granted, that's not entirely untrue. It's my body and my life. It's time that I took some control. Even if I do have to hide it from the world. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to let them cool down for a bit first because Dad went on "lockdown" basically. He's afraid of me going out and doing something he doesn't like and therefore is revoking car priviledges. Yet, Matt is allowed to do basically whatever, whenever- then again, he's 21 and rebels to no end.
Either way- my life. And I'm tired of people deciding certain things for me. Time for a little rebellion.

Tonight was a lot of fun. BBQ with the DQ crew. We played Taboo (the girls won, of course) and then Apples to Apples. I showed a lot of people my rather dirty mindset with a couple of unexpected comments. It was all in good fun though and a great laugh. I'm glad that I get along with the people I work with- well, most of them. Gilda hated me today... But, I mean, she's like 80 and we needed A LOT done today. Plus, I'm not going to lie, I want a raise. I SHOULD have a raise. It's my third year and what I get paid is just ridiculous- you can ask just about anyone there. Three years means a raise, not a pay-cut, Tom. Come on.

I need prayers. Not as much as a lot of people, but I'd appreciate them anyway. The reason is perhaps a silly one, but I'm too embarrassed to share or admit it. So I'm just asking without giving good reasons. Everyone could use a prayer now and then.

I'm going to pop in the Italian for a little bit before bed. And maybe read a little too. I feel more studious now than I do when I'm in school. Goodnight, internet world.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Do you ever wonder if someone has stopped caring?

I do sometimes. I mean, it's not like it matters much. It doesn't matter to me if you stop caring about me as an individual. Well... maybe that isn't entirely true. Otherwise I wouldn't be bringing it up, I suppose.
I don't stop caring about anyone. Like. Ever. Haha, some people find that hard to believe. But I figure, with all the chaos and pain in the world, why not care for everyone even when they don't expect it from you? Eh, something like that.

Lately, I feel artistically blocked, yet motivated to do something that means something. I feel like having a day of silence. Where I envelope myself in my self and search for whatever it is that I'm searching for. I need to release everything. Just let go of the bad. I mean, it's life and stuff happens that you don't want to happen sometimes. There really isn't much you can do about it. It's sin. And it sucks.

I think it's incredibly ironic that there is a song for every mood or feeling. Sometimes, I don't want to speak. I just want to play a song and then expect someone to understand that the song is what I'm trying to say. I've been listening a lot lately. To music. To people. To silence. Sound is one of the most beautiful parts of life, I think. That and life in general is a beautiful thing. I mean... like all parts of life. I find beauty in the strangest places sometimes.

Anyway, part of my hair is pink. I think it's awesome. Mom doesn't like it much. She also doesn't know that I'm going to get it redone... and more so. And Dad. Well, he didn't even notice. Which is fine because it saves me another pointless argument about what I do with my life.

I met a guy who asked me out on a date. I guess I said yes. But I feel bad because I'm so busy all the time. I mean, neither of us are looking for anything serious- it's just a date. He's nice enough. Twenty-one, almost twenty-two. Works at the Coney Island down the street from where I work and at the fire department. Bad taste in tattoos though, in my opinion. Doesn't really seem like my type. If i even have a type. Anyway, we'll see how it goes.

I found out who sent me flowers anonymously, I found out the reason that this all generated in the first place, and now I get talked about behind my back. Apparently, I am not allowed to be friendly and talkative without being misinterprutted as being flirtatious and interested. Not quite sure how I'm going to fix that mess but it will be fixed.

Steph is coming over on Saturday. My neighbors will most likely have fireworks so we'll head over there. Jason is supposed to have a bonfire and said he wanted me to show up. If that's the case, I'm making Steph come with me. Something just doesn't feel right to me.

Anyway, I'm learning Italian. Why? Because I can, of course.

That's all for now.