Saturday, July 18, 2009

I suppose it's been a while. But then again, who measures the time in the term "a while". Haha, sorry, I must be tired or just confused.

I can't decide if I'm unhappy or indifferent about not being invited to something. It would have been better if I hadn't found out about it and it would have been better if it wasn't constantly dangled in front of me as doing something with "favorites". Suddenly, I'm not a favorite and honestly, I'm not sure how to take that. Part of me says, "who cares? You're happy either way and it's not a big deal" and part of me argues with, "well, what did you do? Is there a reason for not being invited? Is it a misunderstanding? You must have answers!" Sometimes I tease myself with the thought of, "Are we really as good of friends as I think we are?" I mean, not that being invited places and stuff defines a friendship; but lately, there are a lot of other things that have come to my attention. Eh, I'll just leave it be. I'm just being over-dramatic. I've got a headache.

I just got back from a family reunion this morning. I've always loved the idea of getting together with family that I may not even know and just hanging out. I laughed a lot! And ate pizza that tasted surprisingly like black licorice. But it wasn't long enough and some things just made me feel sad. I took a lot of pictures, of course. And I rode in my uncle's rented Camero. It is my current "dream" car. I got offered a trip to the trailer too. And I am going to take it.... As soon as I have a spare weekend and a friend that is available.

I wish I were taller sometimes. And I wish I had money to buy things that I don't need. Like fancy, fashionable clothes. I think I'm going to go shopping tomorrow. Which will in turn, make me sad, hahaha, since I am money impaired. *Sigh*
I wish I were prettier too. Not that I don't think I am. Sometimes, I hate that I think that I'm pretty. It's twisted, haha. Maybe I wish that I were prettier on the inside. Not so much the outside.

I'm very tired of being judged and hearing other people judge other people. I'm tired of secretly passing my own judgments when I know it's wrong. But more than anything, I am tired of people being fake. And I'm tired of hearing that "everything is going to be alright" when the people saying it aren't even sure if it is true.

I'm tired of myself.
But I was told that I shouldn't change.
So now what?

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