Thursday, August 6, 2009

It has been an exceptionally long day.

I did not fall asleep until at least 4:30 this morning, due to a very important conversation that I think needed to occur. The only problem with this is that I had to be up at 8:30 to shower and get ready for Kirsten's funeral.

"I don't like funerals."

That is what Joe said as we got back into the car. It is the first funeral that he's going to actually remember attending, I think. He was only eight when my Grandpa died and even I, sadly enough, do not remember much from that day either.
Kirsten Gabriella is my stillborn cousin. My Aunt was eight months pregnant with her and their family was constantly in my prayers. When I had heard the news of Kirsten's passing, I took it really hard- a lot harder than I ever expected to take it. And standing at the cemetery, I did not cry but I felt awful. To watch my younger cousin, Erica, and Aunt Sandy just sitting there with their eyes raw from tears was completely devastating. My heart goes out to them both and my uncle Dave. Looking at a coffin that small is... it's unreal. I wanted to believe that it was empty. That nothing had really happened to my cousin. That I was still going to be able to get to watch her grow up. And then... I was felt a twinge of anger every time that the priest mispronounced her name. It's Kirsten. NOT Kristen. I know that it shouldn't matter that he mispronounced it. But I was really bothered by it.
She was buried a couple graves behind my grandpa's.
I will be visiting them both at least once more before I leave for school. Alone.

We went to brunch after the funeral and it seemed wrong- to me at least- to be happily chit chatting about daily life. I know that Kirsten is in a better place. I know she's with God. But it seemed to me like nothing had happened. Like I said- it was unreal.
After brunch, I went home and took an hour nap. And then Brad called me and asked me to come into work at 3 instead of 3;30. Which is fine. I just wasn't feeling up to working.
Granted, it was only a two hour shift.

Anyway, I'm still tired and don't feel well. So I'm going to take another nap, I think.

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