Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I've never been able to say that a single person makes me feel bad about myself in just about every aspect.

I can say that now.
At this moment, there is a single person who I have realized that makes me feel like I'm never good enough. There is no reason for me to feel this way at all. I don't wish to be like this person. I don't wish to have the things that they have. I'm perfectly content with my life.

But I will say that I am glad to have this person in my life. Because of them, I push myself harder- not to be better than them, but because in some strange, bizarre way they have motivated me to push myself.

I've been judged. Unfortunately, not only by God, but by others- friends, acquaintances, passing strangers... Judged both fairly perhaps and also unfairly. I can't change judgments. Because, honestly? Once people set their minds to something, they are reluctant to have that mind changed. People are stubborn.

I'm not having a great night, if you haven't already guessed. I've been out running for at least an hour these past three days so I'm mighty sore, I don't feel well, and I'm tired and don't feel like doing homework at the moment. I'm being really down on myself at the moment, but at least I realize it and am working to change it.

I thought that I wanted a friendship back.
But if the feeling isn't mutual then I'm not going to put anymore effort into it for now.
If it is one thing I have a hard time understanding, it is hypocrisy and lying.
I'm guilty of both from time to time.
But that doesn't mean I understand why people can handle doing it.

You can hate me all you want.
I don't hate you at all.
I just don't understand you very well.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Confession time.

I miss knowing that certain people are there for me sometimes. What is worse is that I hate not knowing what I did wrong to suddenly change that.

Today was tiresome simply because I did nothing. I tried making the video for Jessica, only to discover that my movie maker program hates me. And I can't stop sneezing today, which leads me to believe that I'm starting to get sick. I ultimately have no energy to do anything right now, haha; but I'm sick of sitting in our dorm room. I'd take a walk, but I think I'd be running the risk of actually becoming sick- and I can't afford to be sick. Ever. Especially with Halloween approaching.

I want to draw, but nothing has inspired me enough to do so. I want to sleep, but it's only 11:17 and I know that I won't be able to actually fall asleep until at least 2. I settled for watching "27 Dresses" instead.

I'm ready for things to start falling into place in my life- despite my fear of so many of those "things".

Tonight, while I was walking back from getting dinner, the clouds seemed to have parted just for me. A couple stars made their appearance in the brilliantly dark blue sky, shining brighter than ever. I don't wish on stars. Not even the shooting ones. I don't ever hold a desire to own a star for myself either. It may sound crazy, because stars aren't people, but I feel like I can relate to them. That's why I like to look at them, I think.
Well, that's one of the reasons anyway.

Goodnight, blogging world.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Okay, okay, okay. So:

This weekend, I have our entire dorm room to myself! I have already used my Friday as a day to lay around and watch TV pretty much.... Yes, I know, I wasted the day completely. However, now I'm starting to clean, shower, and make a video for my dear friend Jessica. Tomorrow, I'm going to go house hunting with my future roommates: Courtney and friends. I'm pretty excited. I've been trying to ask around and see who has been looking for a place next year and if they need a roommate, but people seem to be rather unresponsive when I ask that question. And, well, it needs to be figured out like SOON....

The wedding was wonderful, of course! I went date-less, but that didn't matter at all- it typically doesn't. Pictures took a little bit too long and we wound up being like 2 hours late for the reception, haha. I had only had a bagel to eat all day, so I was starving and well... there were beverages in the limo that should not be consumed on an empty stomach.
I've ultimately have decided that I don't know how to dance. Slow or fast. My brother, Matt, tried to swing dance with me- granted, he was completely intoxicated at that point- but it was just an epic fail- all the twirling wasn't working out for us, haha. Alex (my aisle buddy :P) did a bunch of twirls too for the first dance as well. It was quite impressive and hard for me to keep up, honestly. Haha, I'm just not meant to be a dancer. I step on people's feet.
After the wedding and the reception, Jake and I wound up staying up until 7:30AM talking and waiting for breakfast to possibly start. I've never talked so much at once, I think. It was pretty awesome! Needless to say, the whole weekend was quite a success.

I wish I could say that the past couple weeks have been as successful, but that would be lying. No one has time to hang out anymore, I was told that a good friend of mine is involved in a relationship that I don't promote, I've been having second thoughts about a "relationship" in general, I've wasted more time that I'm comfortable with, and I'm potentially being avoided by an individual for some unknown reason.

I'm going to be Misty for Halloween. Apparently- or so I've been told- that it is a really good idea. My brother is going to be Flava Flav, which I can't wait to see, personally. Maybe I'll post a picture of the both of us at some point.

Anyway, I've got to get going if I plan on starting this video for Jessica... It won't turn out as awesome or funny as I want it to, but still- I know it'll at least make her smile. :]

Later gators.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Two things:

1. I will post about Mere and Mike's wedding in my next post. It is almost 11:30 and I still have homework to finish and distractions to dismiss.

2. The day that the act of cheating on someone that has ever meant anything to you is dismissed as being a justified act of love, I will rip my own heart out and give it to the individual that winds up broken. No one deserves that.
And you should know better.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Okay so it's been one heck of a rollercoaster of emotions this week.

The first thing that I should point out to you all (if there is anyone who reads this, haha) is that I did not get into the Disney college program. I haven't told too many people about it yet. It wasn't exactly something I was happy about at all. I belong in Disney and I know it. It's what I want to do. But I didn't get in. And rather than dwelling on the negative aspect of it, I should try to move on and wait to apply again in the future. My parents reminded me that there is a reason for everything. God has a plan. I just don't know what it is yet.

The plus side of this, I suppose, is that I have the opportunity to have a different job this summer. I'm sure I've mentioned that I'm tired of my hometown in earlier posts. And that is the truth. I don't hate my hometown- it's lovely really and I really like it when people visit and I can show them around. But I've been there for 19 years now. I want to be somewhere I'm not familiar with. We'll see how that all works out.

I had a very interesting and good conversation on my "lunch date". It kind of made me think a whole lot more afterwards, but I've been reassured that it was a good step that we'd taken. Personally, I just hope it works out. Or if I gain a good friendship, to say the least.

The wedding is on Friday, I go home today for the rehearsal dinner, and I am very excited about all of it! Anna told me that we're actually going to be taking a limo to the hall which is cool. I'm getting my hair trimmed today and I am so relieved about it- my bangs were becoming way too long and were starting to bug me. I get to see Jake too, which is always fun and filled with hugs. I did talk to him for an hour on the phone yesterday. And that is a good thing because typically, I'm afraid of talking on the phone.... something about fear of not being able to hold a conversation. Needless to say, I enjoyed our conversation a lot and am more comfortable talking on the phone now.

Anyway, I've got a 5-7 page paper to edit and turn in before I leave... which is at 3... and I also need to shower and pack a little bit. So I better get going then.


Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I am in love.

With days like today.

Tonight I found myself so ecstatically happy that I wanted to cry. No joke. Legit tears formed in my eyes as I was out strolling about campus.

The Disney presentation is tomorrow. I'm going to the 6pm one. I'm both nervous and excited about finally applying for it. I'm going to audition for a character too. I just want to be down there. My heart and soul is amidst the Disney magic, I'm convinced.

I also have a lunch date tomorrow. Finally. After being canceled on the first time, I must admit that I was beginning to feel paranoid and doubtful. Tonight, those feelings were liberated. Suddenly, they are replaced with feelings of happiness and excitement. This kid seems really cool and cute and funny. I feel like a little girl. It is amazing and exciting and fun and yeah... It's just an awesome feeling.

I also got the new Relient K album today off of Amazon for like four bucks. I LOVE IT. So much. I'll be buying the hard copy as soon as I can as well. It's just so good!
Speaking of music, I added a music player to this blog of mine. If you scroll down all the way to the bottom, you'll find it. OR it might just play automatically. The songs are a temporary interest of mine. Some that have more meaning to me than others. But hey, I love all music in general.

So tonight, I thought of beautiful, poetic images when I was gazing into the night sky. They could be turned into lyrics or just a poem in general. Or I could just let them float aimlessly throughout my mind. I love night time walks.

And this week is Mere's wedding week! SO EXCITING!!! I'm super pumped. You have no idea.

Thank you, Lord, for all the wonderful blessings. <3

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Ahh, putting on clothes straight from the dryer is one of the many things that make me extremely happy. You know that smiley face that Charlie Brown characters have sometimes? The squiggly one that looks adorable? That's how I feel in my newly cleaned, warm clothing.

Speaking of warm clothes, I have none at school. And it is pretty much 50 degrees like everyday. This is problematic. I don't like that it is so cold already! Haha, I suppose I should've seen it coming. Afterall, it is October now.

I need to be folding clothes and doing my German homework right now... but instead, I'm trying to think of something really cute to wear tomorrow. I've got my priorities straight, right? Hahaha.

I'm totally stoked for the Disney presentation next week. I've decided that I want to audition for a character too. It would be so amazing. I'm just so excited.

I really enjoy Ben Folds right now. I enjoyed his music before, but man, can that guy play piano. I wish I were that talented. I'd even settle for being as good as Adam P. from high school. He and I have taken piano for the same amount of years, yet I am way behind compared to him. I should be a lot better than I am. Well, at least I love it regardless.

Everyone is going home this weekend. It's homecoming at my high school. I'd like to go home, but then there is the issue of not having a car and well, I am going home the following weekend for the wedding. So I figure that I can just hold out one more week. I just hope that I find some way to entertain myself while everyone is gone. N64, perhaps?

Speaking of which, I realized that I don't seem to have Mario Kart up here... I don't think. Which is RIDICULOUS. Just sayin'.

Anyway, it's almost one and I should do my German. Plus, I gotta get up and look good tomorrow... lunch date thing... Plus, thinking I look good makes me feel more confident. It's awesome.