Wednesday, December 30, 2009

It has been a long day, ladies and gentlemen. But nevertheless, a good day. :) I'm just tired now, when really I should not be, since I didn't wake up until about noon.

I went shopping at like 3ish today, and didn't get home from the mall until about 7:30. I ran into Jessica who I was DELIGHTED to see. And then she was meeting up with Clay, who I know, but had never actually met before.
I bought some new jeans- I didn't have a light colored pair. And I bought tights for my New Years Eve outfit. I wish I could show it to you! It's so cute!!! But sometimes, it makes me feel like I look fat in it. I know that that is a mental thing though, so it's all good.

Well, I'm going to install DQ Tycoon on my computer and try it out. Plus, like I said before, I'm super tired.

So Happy [early] New Year!!! <3

Monday, December 28, 2009

Christmas and New Years

Well, it's been a couple days or weeks or so since I've last written.
Christmas day was three days ago now and it passed by as quickly as it came. I had a jolly good Christmas, of course. I don't care much for gifts. Sure, it's nice to have gifts and such from the people I love, but I truly just wanted everyone else to be happy and focus on more important things.

However, I did get two Disney soundtracks and the Anastasia soundtrack, the movie "Up!", a docking system/radio for my ipod, a portable stereo, gift cards, and a personalized blanket. One of my favorite gifts, I think would have to be a picture of the wedding that I've recently been in- not framed or anything, just the picture itself was enough to make me happy. :)

My father and mother took me and my sister out shopping the day after Christmas and purchased a bunch of clothes for me. It was like Christmas gifts, I guess. I'm very grateful and I love all my new outfits.

I've watched "The Holiday" three times already this holiday season and I'll probably watch it at least once more. I love that movie for some reason. And last night while watching it, I was overwhelmed with the parallels that I always draw to my own life. Especially the part where Iris tells off Jasper. She says just about everything that I want to say to someone- but I would never have the guts to do so. <<--that's the link to the scene.

I finished my book. It was a sad book, but a good one nevertheless. Now I need to find another one to pick up. I also went to go see "Sherlock Holmes" with my family. I loved it. I would actually probably go see it again too if I had the funds to do so or someone to see it with.

I had New Years plans, but I'm watching them crumble as the snow falls. I'm going to start making back-up plans. I'm determined to find something to do so that I'm not focusing on spending New Years alone yet again (and by "alone" I mean without a boy). I don't want to think about that so much this year, as inevitable as it may be.

As far as boys/relationships go, I honestly just don't care to think about it right now. It was confusing, then it was clear, then it went back to being confusing, then clear, and finally now it's confusing again. I shouldn't have to worry about it. I should just prepare for the worst and hope for the best- that way at least I'm guarded. I don't understand why people can do certain things in relationships sometimes. Anyway, I pray for guidance constantly, so now all I have to do is wait it out.

I really dressed up on Christmas Eve and actually felt really pretty for once. Low self-esteem is a constantly growing feature in my life, so to feel pretty was a big deal to me, haha. <<-- and that's it. Not a big deal. I've had that dress for a year and hadn't worn it until just now.

Sometimes I feel like I belong in a movie. I'm all cinematic. I don't want to be, I just feel that that would make sense. haha it's weird, honestly.

Anyway, I'm going to go spend time with visiting relatives now. Goodbye.

Oh, and I bought my older brother a PS3. I can't buy food for like a semester now. Yay for other people's happiness :)

Friday, December 18, 2009


I feel like I’m looking for something and I can’t find it.

Do you ever get that way?

See, the only thing is that I am not actually looking for anything. I’m just looking. Whether or not I’m hoping to stumble across some sort of enlightening object or answer, I am unsure.

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions. I feel as though I am fighting with my self. Everything that encompasses me I am bringing into question. An interrogation of my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, decisions, etc.

Secrets. I used to think that I am like the master keeper of them. People trust me. And there is no reason for them not to, because I have not betrayed them in the slightest. I don’t feel the pressure of holding someone’s secret. I’m not burdened by their troubles. They confided in me and I intend on honoring that confidence. I’m not one who has trouble keeping in what is not mine to tell.

But what about what is mine to tell? What about my secrets? There are those who find relief in disclosing personal information to me because I do my best to not judge. I simply listen and keep an open mind and heart. But who do I talk to? Who do I trust enough to do the same for me?

The obvious answer would be God. Of course I pray and ask and tell him everything . Of course I can always confide even my darkest secrets in Him. And I’m honestly not sure where I’d be without that. If I had absolutely no one to talk to at all… I really am grateful.

But the thing is, God doesn’t exactly talk back. I mean, I know he’s listening and I know that he always answers. But sometimes… Sometimes I want to hear my own voice. Sometimes I want to make sure that my words even connect with my thoughts and my heart. God doesn’t exactly wrap arms around me and tell me that everything is alright. I mean… I know that everything will be and I just need to be patient and He always has a plan. But sometimes? Sometimes I just want a hug and a little reassurance from someone in the physical world.

I wish I could receive a hug for no reason. Without having to ask for it and without reason. Not a hug because I look like I need one or because someone heard some bad news in relation to me. An unexpected hug, I guess.

I wish I could explain everything right here. I wish I could make people feel what I feel sometimes. That way, maybe you would be able to relate.

And then, maybe, just maybe I would have someone to talk to.

Something is missing.

Venting machine.

I am a venting machine today. Not a vending machine, a venTing machine. Today is a day for venting, so get ready:

I woke up at 6AM. I am not a morning person, as most of you know, and therefore this has made me into a crabby individual. Well, that and several other things that have annoyed me within the past 24 hours.

One of which was my "ex". If he's going to ignore my simple "hello, how've you been?"s then I'd prefer to have a good reason. And none of this "I'm sorry, I'm super swamped and busy and I've got my own problems" stuff. Dude, I'm not here to tell you about my problems- you've lost that privilege a LONG time ago. If you actually noticed, I'm trying to be a friend and check up on you. You know... that promise that we made that was all this "I'll always be here for you no matter what. We'll always be friends". Well, no offense, dude, but you aren't really keeping that promise. And one thing I can't stand is broken promises and my tendancies to actually forgive and forget.

Forgive and forget. People don't do that anymore. Ever notice that? They might say they forgive you. But the chances of them forgetting are slim. If you've done them wrong then they don't see the point in letting it go. They hold grudges. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who actually tries to really forgive and forget. And then people ask me how I do it- in some cases. Because I was raised to believe that that is what is right. What would Jesus do? Seriously, people. Maybe if you just tried to do what He'd do then you'd see the bigger picture.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not saying it always works. I'm not bragging or trying to make myself out to be better than someone else. I really am not. I'm a sinner just like the rest. I make plenty, plenty, plenty of mistakes. I'm lucky that I'm forgiven for them. I shouldn't be. So don't assume I'm trying to play the part of the "saint" here. Because there is no way that I'm anything close to that.
Like I said: I need to vent today.

Another reason for my crabbiness is my fund level. Someone asked me on my what was going on with my funds. I hate that I can't just answer them honestly. It's a personal question. One of which that I never thought I'd be uncomfortable answering. I worry about a lot of things. Lately, money is right on the top of that invisible list. I need a job. I need more than a job. Really, I just need a miracle. And quite frankly, reaching that point scares me.

And another reason: a friend or an ex-friend or an aquaintence or a whatever-the-heck-point-we've-reached-in-our-relationship. But really that's just an uncomfortable teeter-totter of emotion in regards to one individual. It's becoming almost methodical.

Another frustration: lack of trust in a boy. I don't like being led on. I have already offered to back off. You told me that I was fine and not to worry about it. But her status (yes, I constantly FB stalk. Call me a creeper) is constantly something like, "blah, blah, blah, blah my boo! Love him!" If you're single then I don't think she understands that. Just sayin' that.

Okay, I'm done now. I need to stop before I freak out and blow a gasket. Time to breathe! Later, people!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


I'm in Chicago area visiting my sister.

I love visiting her. It's always fun, despite the constant battle with the internet connection and lack of cable. Instead, I've been Christmas shopping (unsuccessful so far, but going back out tomorrow) and I've sat in on her middle schoolers. I've read some of my book too. It's truly an enjoyable time. Her middle schoolers believe that I remarkably resemble that of Taylor Swift and have proceeded to ask for my autograph (I humored them) and then began to ask if I would sing for them. Some of them actually call me Taylor instead of by my name. I don't mind. It's really cute. Kids are adorable.

I'm having second thoughts about New Years and the boy I've been "dating". I'll keep you posted if I feel the need.

Alright, it's only 10:45 here and I'm actually tired already. Short post today.
Goodnight <3

Friday, December 11, 2009

Home for the Holidays

Well, I survived another semester's finals week.
May the professors have mercy on my grades.

I'm home for tonight. It's a bittersweet feeling, at the moment. I miss all my friends already and I miss the potential friends that I was making and that could potentially be ruined with lack of contact for over a month. And that's just it: a month. A month of what? I ask that question with the rhetorical implication that it's going to be filled with lack of activity. Yet, in the back of my mind, I can think of a million things that I want to do, have to do, and have already been expected to do. I'm hoping the month flies by, but I'm hoping it takes it time. I am, obviously, thinking in contradictory thought.
The holidays are just always so busy, it seems. Especially the Christmas holiday. Here I am, already eleven days into the month and I have yet to purchase a single present for friends and family. And somehow, I am going to have to find the funds to do so.

It's good to be home. I'm taking Joe to school tomorrow- my parents don't like him driving in the snow just yet. Personally, I'm not a fan of driving in it either, simply because my street is always difficult to get in and out of when it is icy. But I really want to drive. I love driving. I love to blast my music and sing at the top of my lungs. Sometimes, I even crack my windows even if it's cold out, just because I want people to hear my music. Oh, and I want Starbucks tomorrow. I just decided that like five minutes ago, haha. We aren't leaving for Chicago until tomorrow afternoon, because my grandparents need to go have lunch where my cousin works. My grandpa can't drive anymore- as of like... maybe a month or two ago. So my mom drives them to everything when they need it, because they don't believe in calling the OPC transportation service. Anyway, point is, I won't be leaving until tomorrow afternoon.

I think I want to drive back to Mt. Pleasant for New Years Eve/Day. The chances of me swaying my parents in favor of that, however, are probably not very high. A big factor is the weather... and traveling alone. But I wouldn't be up there alone at least. If I can get them to agree to it, then I will see if I can spend next week in Chicago with my sister. Really, all I'm doing is running around for a month. It's kind of ridic and sounds rather stressful. All in good fun though, eh?

Owl City is my music of choice at the moment.
And Glee was AMAZING (I just watched it online tonight because I missed it on Wednesday due to a snowball fight)!!!!
Well, NW starts at 7:55AM and we need to leave the house by like 7:20. I should probably shut my eyes a bit.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Good Day.

Today was a good day.

I got to sleep in a little later than normal, because I didn't have a final until noon. The final was basic. English composition- in class essay. It wasn't something I could study for and I'm sure I did fine. After that, I actually made an effort to be on time to the painting studio today to turn in my final project. We were told to come back in about 2 hours to pick up our grades and our paintings. Allen decided that he just wanted to sit in the hall for the two hours and play pokemon. I offered to stay with him despite my lack of hand-held gaming system. In my opinion, it was worth it. He's fricken adorable. He let me listen to his ipod too and I discovered that I think he has great taste in music. I was called into the painting studio at one point and my instructor told me that she loved my final painting and is going to put it in the student art exhibit at the beginning of next semester! This is pretty awesome, in my opinon. She only gets to pick five paintings out of her entire class- and we've had a total of like three big projects. That's a lot of paintings- and mine was one of the ones she chose. It's kind of a big deal.

After collecting my other paintings (I left my supplies there... I was distracted, you'd understand), Allen and I walked together- when we hit the hallway where we normally part ways, he asked if I was going that way or the same way he was going. I didn't know how to answer so I didn't. So, he then grabbed my hand and told me he'd drive me back to my dorm. We held hands just about the whole way to his car. It was adorable. I've never had my hand held in public like that before. It probably held more value to me than it did him, but I don't care. Five minutes after getting out of his car, I got a text that said, "Hey, you're cute". Seriously, guys? It's the little things that make me smile. Things like holding hands and silly texts that tell me I'm cute. THE LITTLE THINGS MATTER.

I still don't trust him completely though. And I'm starting to worry about the upcoming break. This should not be a concern of mine. It's not like we're "together". I don't really know.

The rest of my day was pretty basic (I think basic is like my word of the day or something). I watched part 2 of Alice on SyFy- I thought it was pretty awesome, personally. And then I chilled until midnight, when I witnessed yet another midnight scream across campus. People do this every semester right before finals in order to relieve stress- it's both effective and comical. Someone yelled "Expecto Patronum" at one point and another guy streaked.

My computer is making this strange static noise. I'm not a fan. Maybe I should give it a rest.
Goodnight. Hope your day was as good as mine!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Her Eyes

Her Eyes- Pat Monahan

Listen to it and love it.
I'm convinced it is a pretty accurate description of me.

Anyway, it's 2:30AM and I am once again a victim of insomnia. I suppose that the accidental nap and the caffeinated beverage at 12AM didn't help much, but truth is that I probably wouldn't be asleep if I hadn't had those things anyway. It's a gift and a curse. A gift, because it means that I have time to do all that homework that I had procrastinated. A curse, because, well, when I want to sleep, I can't; and it also is a lot of time in which I can think about happiness and stressful situations.

Tonight was just what I needed. I've been super stressed since yesterday and that stress put me into a horrible, horrible mood. However, I have the best roommates in the world (+ Jessica). They had a Christmas movie marathon tonight and I joined them for one of the two movies that they watched. I love them. Seriously. All of them. They make me laugh, they have the ability to change my mood completely, they are just all around good friends- and good people. And I've discovered my love for the movie The Holiday. Not my favorite movie of all time, of course, but still. What a wonderful movie. I thought it was going to make me feel uber sad once I started drawing comparisons to my own life- surprisingly, it didn't at all. And yeah. But the main reason I had such a great night was because of my friends. I have them to thank.

Oh, so I was thinking tonight about what I want to do with my life. Crazy, right? I thought so. So I've always wanted to be an animator for Disney. That's still my goal. But lately, I've been thinking that I can't exactly make it in that field- I'm just not talented enough for it. So I think I'm going to consider photography as a backup. And even if I don't want to major in photography. I'm pretty sure that I'll want to minor in it. Pictures are just so fascinating.
It's either that or I attempt to write professionally. Ha. Yeah, I laughed too, don't worry.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Drops of Jupiter

Today I feel black and white.

That may not make much sense to you, but perhaps you should take it from an artistic perspective. Then it may be more clear... or maybe not. But I'd rather you interpret it than just have me explain it to you. Where's the fun in easy explanations?

Well, today started off alright, I guess. I had two exams today- one for German and one for English (the grammar portion). I aced them both, and it's just nice to have them out of the way. Then, I went to the painting studio for my painting date with Allen. I spent 3.5+ hours there- most of which were actually enjoyable. My painting is finished. i only say this because I couldn't find anything else to do to it. I needed a second opinion, and Allen had left before giving me a thorough one.

After that I ventured back to my room, where I fell asleep on the couch till about 8:30. This is bad news bears, let me tell you. Because of that nap, I will not be able to get to sleep at a decent hour tonight.

And now I want to cuddle. Yet, there is no one present to cuddle with. And being alone right now just put me in a funky, depressing mood. So I went for a walk in the snow to get some tea, in hopes of clearing my mind a little. This is the thought process that I have drawn in that time:

1. I did not want to get attached. I don't want to get attached. I am NOT attached. I MUST keep telling myself these things.
2. If I have to keep telling myself these things, then am I in denial?
3. Break is coming up and soon it will not matter.
4. Let's try texting he-who-must-not-be-named
5. He replied?! That's a first.
6. Goodness! I need gloves. My hands are freezing! Not even my tea is keeping them warm.
7. This is like, legit movie snow. Like... the snow you'd see in a movie.
8. I feel like I'm in a movie... and I feel really pretty. WEIRD.
9. I want to watch the Muppets Christmas Carol really badly.
10. My holey jeans were not a good choice for snowy weather.

That is about it. I just have a very unsettling feeling. And I... I WANT IT FIXED. Haha, I don't understand why I feel in this way at the moment. Maybe I should just try to ignore it.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Ode to Sociology

Oh Sociology, I hate you.

And that, my friends, is the end of the ode.

Haha, I'm in Sociology right now. I don't ever pay attention in this class. Why? Because he puts all of the power points online and everything he talks about is not on the exam. The exam is what is in the book and showed in videos and online articles. The strange thing is that he doesn't even take attendance, but I refuse to just skip. I don't like missing class. It doesn't sit well with me.

I was going to type up my German oral exam and email my partner during this class, originally. However, the only reason I was going to do that was because I was supposed to have a painting date at five. Well, I was just canceled on. I hate it when I get excited about crushes prematurely. I was trying to avoid liking the kid completely, honestly. But no, I had to go and admit it. And then when he gets me all excited about working on my project (O_o excited about homework- I know, it's weird to me too...), he goes and cancels on me. Granted, for good reason, I think. And we're going to reschedule. But still. It's just overall not a fun feeling, ya know?

I am not good with relationships, if you didn't already know that. I'm not even in one and I'm already freaking out. There is just something about walking around, having someone cross your mind, and then catching yourself smiling like an idiot... uncontrollably. It's a nice feeling, yet it's strange at the same time. Point it- I'm not good at relationships. I really am not. But I would like to have the chance to get better at it.

I like to write. Today's post is a little bland. No thick blankets of metaphors or imagery. No playful word choices either. Just me. Writing because I hate sociology class. *sigh*

Ever hear a song that has lyrics that are so incredibly clever and cute at the same time? One just came on my ipod, that's why I asked. Relient K- Must've Done Something Right. The opening line is "We should get jerseys /cause we make a good team/but yours would look better than mine/ cause you're out of my league..."
I think that is adorable. And hey- fun fact: Relient K is my favorite band.

Well, I don't want to make this post TERRIBLY long (too late, I know), because I have this overpowering feeling that people don't care to read lengthy material. Their attention spans are too short and quite frankly, they don't give a hoot about half the stuff they're reading. But I have been cursed (I view it as a blessing sometimes) with the inablility to write short blurbs about anything. It's almost painful for me to do so, haha. Seriously. Anyway, if your attention has not yet been drawn elsewhere, this is me letting you know that I'm going to stop right here.


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Death by Finals < Death by Chocolate

The realization of this being the last official week of classes just hit me.

I have SO MUCH to do. And I'm starting to freak out about everything. Everything. Like... not just one class or one grade mark- all of it. My carefree attitude that has been taking the reigns for the past couple days needs to be kicked off the horse. I need to buckle down. I need to actually study. I need to do all my homework and I need to do it well. I need to breathe.

You'd think that such stress would motivate me, right? No, instead it is tearing down my stamina and ripping my focus to shreds. I have absolutely no motivation. Not even fear is motivating me anymore. It's just... emptiness. Emptiness and unorganized worry.

All I want to do right now is write. Free writing. Not this stupid argumentative essay that is already a day late. And if I can't write what I want, then I want to sleep. I'm typically not this tired this early (it's midnight, I know), but maybe that is just the stress hitting me and zapping me of my energy.

As I was walking to get some raspberry tea last night, my mind wandered into an interesting train of thought. I had meant to return and write it down, but I opted for a nap and a little television instead. Television. Ew. What a horrible use of my time on a Monday night. I cringe just thinking about it. Needless to say, my train of thought from yesterday has left town without saying goodbye.

I suppose it is narcissistic to say that I wish to be ugly. Afterall, that implies that I'm pretty. Which, in my opinion, is completely true. In my defense though, I believe that everyone is beautiful. In very different ways sometimes. I try to look for beauty in everyone. I really do. But sometimes I wish I were ugly in my appearance. And other days I wish I were prettier. I have very interesting views on my self image and, quite frankly, it plays with my self esteem.

Anyway, I've procrastinated this homework long enough. Time to get started, unfortunately.