Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Death by Finals < Death by Chocolate

The realization of this being the last official week of classes just hit me.

I have SO MUCH to do. And I'm starting to freak out about everything. Everything. Like... not just one class or one grade mark- all of it. My carefree attitude that has been taking the reigns for the past couple days needs to be kicked off the horse. I need to buckle down. I need to actually study. I need to do all my homework and I need to do it well. I need to breathe.

You'd think that such stress would motivate me, right? No, instead it is tearing down my stamina and ripping my focus to shreds. I have absolutely no motivation. Not even fear is motivating me anymore. It's just... emptiness. Emptiness and unorganized worry.

All I want to do right now is write. Free writing. Not this stupid argumentative essay that is already a day late. And if I can't write what I want, then I want to sleep. I'm typically not this tired this early (it's midnight, I know), but maybe that is just the stress hitting me and zapping me of my energy.

As I was walking to get some raspberry tea last night, my mind wandered into an interesting train of thought. I had meant to return and write it down, but I opted for a nap and a little television instead. Television. Ew. What a horrible use of my time on a Monday night. I cringe just thinking about it. Needless to say, my train of thought from yesterday has left town without saying goodbye.

I suppose it is narcissistic to say that I wish to be ugly. Afterall, that implies that I'm pretty. Which, in my opinion, is completely true. In my defense though, I believe that everyone is beautiful. In very different ways sometimes. I try to look for beauty in everyone. I really do. But sometimes I wish I were ugly in my appearance. And other days I wish I were prettier. I have very interesting views on my self image and, quite frankly, it plays with my self esteem.

Anyway, I've procrastinated this homework long enough. Time to get started, unfortunately.


  1. I'm just going to say that you write very beautifully :) good luck with your assignments!!

  2. thank you! :) I love to write.
    and good luck with all your exams and assignments as well!