The realization of this being the last official week of classes just hit me.
I have SO MUCH to do. And I'm starting to freak out about everything. Everything. Like... not just one class or one grade mark- all of it. My carefree attitude that has been taking the reigns for the past couple days needs to be kicked off the horse. I need to buckle down. I need to actually study. I need to do all my homework and I need to do it well. I need to breathe.
You'd think that such stress would motivate me, right? No, instead it is tearing down my stamina and ripping my focus to shreds. I have absolutely no motivation. Not even fear is motivating me anymore. It's just... emptiness. Emptiness and unorganized worry.
All I want to do right now is write. Free writing. Not this stupid argumentative essay that is already a day late. And if I can't write what I want, then I want to sleep. I'm typically not this tired this early (it's midnight, I know), but maybe that is just the stress hitting me and zapping me of my energy.
As I was walking to get some raspberry tea last night, my mind wandered into an interesting train of thought. I had meant to return and write it down, but I opted for a nap and a little television instead. Television. Ew. What a horrible use of my time on a Monday night. I cringe just thinking about it. Needless to say, my train of thought from yesterday has left town without saying goodbye.
I suppose it is narcissistic to say that I wish to be ugly. Afterall, that implies that I'm pretty. Which, in my opinion, is completely true. In my defense though, I believe that everyone is beautiful. In very different ways sometimes. I try to look for beauty in everyone. I really do. But sometimes I wish I were ugly in my appearance. And other days I wish I were prettier. I have very interesting views on my self image and, quite frankly, it plays with my self esteem.
Anyway, I've procrastinated this homework long enough. Time to get started, unfortunately.