Friday, December 18, 2009

Venting machine.

I am a venting machine today. Not a vending machine, a venTing machine. Today is a day for venting, so get ready:

I woke up at 6AM. I am not a morning person, as most of you know, and therefore this has made me into a crabby individual. Well, that and several other things that have annoyed me within the past 24 hours.

One of which was my "ex". If he's going to ignore my simple "hello, how've you been?"s then I'd prefer to have a good reason. And none of this "I'm sorry, I'm super swamped and busy and I've got my own problems" stuff. Dude, I'm not here to tell you about my problems- you've lost that privilege a LONG time ago. If you actually noticed, I'm trying to be a friend and check up on you. You know... that promise that we made that was all this "I'll always be here for you no matter what. We'll always be friends". Well, no offense, dude, but you aren't really keeping that promise. And one thing I can't stand is broken promises and my tendancies to actually forgive and forget.

Forgive and forget. People don't do that anymore. Ever notice that? They might say they forgive you. But the chances of them forgetting are slim. If you've done them wrong then they don't see the point in letting it go. They hold grudges. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who actually tries to really forgive and forget. And then people ask me how I do it- in some cases. Because I was raised to believe that that is what is right. What would Jesus do? Seriously, people. Maybe if you just tried to do what He'd do then you'd see the bigger picture.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not saying it always works. I'm not bragging or trying to make myself out to be better than someone else. I really am not. I'm a sinner just like the rest. I make plenty, plenty, plenty of mistakes. I'm lucky that I'm forgiven for them. I shouldn't be. So don't assume I'm trying to play the part of the "saint" here. Because there is no way that I'm anything close to that.
Like I said: I need to vent today.

Another reason for my crabbiness is my fund level. Someone asked me on my what was going on with my funds. I hate that I can't just answer them honestly. It's a personal question. One of which that I never thought I'd be uncomfortable answering. I worry about a lot of things. Lately, money is right on the top of that invisible list. I need a job. I need more than a job. Really, I just need a miracle. And quite frankly, reaching that point scares me.

And another reason: a friend or an ex-friend or an aquaintence or a whatever-the-heck-point-we've-reached-in-our-relationship. But really that's just an uncomfortable teeter-totter of emotion in regards to one individual. It's becoming almost methodical.

Another frustration: lack of trust in a boy. I don't like being led on. I have already offered to back off. You told me that I was fine and not to worry about it. But her status (yes, I constantly FB stalk. Call me a creeper) is constantly something like, "blah, blah, blah, blah my boo! Love him!" If you're single then I don't think she understands that. Just sayin' that.

Okay, I'm done now. I need to stop before I freak out and blow a gasket. Time to breathe! Later, people!

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