Friday, December 18, 2009


I feel like I’m looking for something and I can’t find it.

Do you ever get that way?

See, the only thing is that I am not actually looking for anything. I’m just looking. Whether or not I’m hoping to stumble across some sort of enlightening object or answer, I am unsure.

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions. I feel as though I am fighting with my self. Everything that encompasses me I am bringing into question. An interrogation of my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, decisions, etc.

Secrets. I used to think that I am like the master keeper of them. People trust me. And there is no reason for them not to, because I have not betrayed them in the slightest. I don’t feel the pressure of holding someone’s secret. I’m not burdened by their troubles. They confided in me and I intend on honoring that confidence. I’m not one who has trouble keeping in what is not mine to tell.

But what about what is mine to tell? What about my secrets? There are those who find relief in disclosing personal information to me because I do my best to not judge. I simply listen and keep an open mind and heart. But who do I talk to? Who do I trust enough to do the same for me?

The obvious answer would be God. Of course I pray and ask and tell him everything . Of course I can always confide even my darkest secrets in Him. And I’m honestly not sure where I’d be without that. If I had absolutely no one to talk to at all… I really am grateful.

But the thing is, God doesn’t exactly talk back. I mean, I know he’s listening and I know that he always answers. But sometimes… Sometimes I want to hear my own voice. Sometimes I want to make sure that my words even connect with my thoughts and my heart. God doesn’t exactly wrap arms around me and tell me that everything is alright. I mean… I know that everything will be and I just need to be patient and He always has a plan. But sometimes? Sometimes I just want a hug and a little reassurance from someone in the physical world.

I wish I could receive a hug for no reason. Without having to ask for it and without reason. Not a hug because I look like I need one or because someone heard some bad news in relation to me. An unexpected hug, I guess.

I wish I could explain everything right here. I wish I could make people feel what I feel sometimes. That way, maybe you would be able to relate.

And then, maybe, just maybe I would have someone to talk to.

Something is missing.

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