Merry Christmas!

Well, it is about that time again.
Time for Christmas.

I'm not even close to being finished with shopping and tomorrow is Christmas Eve.
I've actually been spending all my time working or going out of state or reading or online.
I don't update this blog much more because I have another site that I enjoy more-so.
Plus, I'm under the impression that just about no one reads this anymore.

But as an update:
I'm still single. Not really enjoying being single during holiday "lovey dovey" season crap, but that's natural and it's the same every year, so it actually is tolerable.
I temporarily cut off communication with my best friend. Nor do I intend on starting up that friendship again ever if he never apologizes like he promised. I will miss him most definitely, but I need time, space, and lots and lots of hugs and I NEED an apology. I deserve one or at least an attempt. I'm really not that hard to please.
I really have been itching to write lately but nothing seems to come to mind that is interesting enough to go on and on about.
Song on repeat right now is "Wait it Out" by Imogen Heap. Gorgeous song. Totally relate-able to part of my life right now.
Reading "The Hunger Games" trilogy. On book two at the moment. Finished book one in two days. Guess you can say I'm loving it.
Slowly beginning to realize that my imagination is one of the happiest places in the world (or rather in my world, haha) and I get the privilege of having it with me at all times.
Also beginning to realize that I find beauty in a lot of simple and complex stuff that people don't normally.
I asked for a vocal/music recorder program for my computer this Christmas. Also asked for a ukulele and clothes. Also would love a polaroid camera but forgot to ask for it. Also asked for my grandfathers violin. Also requested the third book of this trilogy.
Wanted to send multiple gifts to people who would least expect it. Might still do that. Just not until after Christmas now.

Other than that, you aren't missing much.
My best friend in the whole world came to visit me today. Every moment spent with him is spent happily. He's the best person in the world with the greatest heart I've seen ever.
^That is a different best friend than the one mentioned earlier who I am not speaking to. Two different kinds of friends. Both are dear to my heart regardless.

Alright now I'm going to listen to this song one more time and then read.
Hope all is well!
Merry Christmas and happy new year!
<3

Moving Out:

Today is my day. I plan on getting so much done today.

Which is why I’m sitting at my computer typing this post up… Haha

Well, if you haven’t heard already, I want to move out of my apartment and am looking for a sublease. Chances are, I won’t find someone to take my spot so late in the game, but I have to try. I recent, related news, apparently my roommates dubbed it okay to talk about me whilst I was sitting just downstairs in my room with the door wide open. I’m not eighty years old+, my hearing is still quite good, and so why they would think this was a smart idea, I do not know. This is twice now that I’ve heard myself talked about. Both times I wound up slamming my door, and only once did I actually receive an apology that I now second guess as being genuine.

I want to move because I am not happy here. I’m stressed all the time, I have a lot of classes that I’m going to be taking next semester and don’t particularly want to have to worry about being stressed from this petty roommate drama, and most importantly, I am not comfortable in my own home up here. For once, I’m attempting to think of my happiness and what is important for me to function. And naturally, the one time that I attempt at searching for a better solution for myself, I am deemed selfish. Selfish for wanting to make, not only my life more happy, but clear up roommate drama by moving out. We’ve tried to talk about our problems and they are only getting worse from my perspective. So I think that the best solution is for me to peace out. But from what I hear, I should be able to just lock myself in my room for an entire semester in order to get by. Because that should be enough for me to function, right?

Sometimes I wonder if people actually think about what they are saying before they say it. Like that statement, for example. Do they realize how ridiculous it sounds for an individual to have to lock themselves in their bedroom just to get by? Nevertheless, as soon as break hits, my television will be moved into my bedroom, because I don’t trust my roommates anymore and if they want me to hibernate in my room, then next semester I will. With my expensive furniture (aka my tv).

On a happy note, the semester is almost over. And I get to visit my sister for a week again for one last time before she gets married and moves. I plan on getting whatever Christmas shopping I need to do done during this time. And, if my sister allows it, I will commandeer her vehicle in order to visit my best friend in WI J. This is also provided that the weather is decent. I miss him so much that I REALLY, REALLY hope she lets me go. It’s impossible to not have fun with that kid! Haha

When I’m not stressing about my roommates or finals (which are in process), I find myself aching for new piano music. John Denver and the Muppet’s “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is a beautiful piece that I would love to own. And also a lot of the scores from “(500) Days Of Summer” I would enjoy having as well. I miss a tuned piano dearly. I feel like I would be less stressed up here if I had access to one in my room. But alas, I do not.

Lately, all of my thoughts seem to float back to you, boy. I don’t know why I’m finding myself second guessing things lately, but it makes me uneasy. I don’t understand why you would hide something from me, but something is definitely off enough to make me feel like you have. We’re approaching the point in time where we drift apart because you choose to. You don’t see it coming of course, and when I tell you about it you tell me I’m being ridiculous and that it will never happen. But it has already started. *Sigh*

You, sir, are another person who is constantly on my mind. I feel respected as an individual around you, and sadly, I’m not used to that and it is fascinating. And I realize that you have walls. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have any too. I think that because we both have such a secure wall drawn about each other, we’re being very cautious about the other. Vulnerability is not always fun when given to the wrong individual. But I hope to find that window in your wall soon.

Today I’m going to takea bath and watch a movie, start my laundry, return my cans, clean my room, possibly go tanning, order a pizza, watch another movie, perhaps sketch a little bit, pack a little bit, study a little bit, maybe go to get coffee with Leah if she is available, maybe read a book too, and then sleep. Oh, and maybe some guitar practice thrown in there somewhere. J I’m going to be very productive today, which is why I need to stop typing on my computer and start getting things done.

Merry Christmas,

Lydia

Late night:

Here I am.
2:10AM.

I'm supposed to be working on my painting project that is due this Thursday. Unfortunately, all I've done all night is find things or people to distract myself with.
Oh, and I might as well mention that I also have a two page paper due and a supposed power point presentation due tomorrow.

I want to scream.
For several different reasons that are mostly stress related and somewhat happiness related.

My parents have been driving me nuts. And I know that they are parents and that they only do and say what they do and say because they love me. And they don't think I'm going to understand them until I have kids someday, which may be true but maybe I understand them better already than they think I do.
Point is: if I want to dye my hair a temporary brunette color like I have, it should not have that much a dramatic negative response. Or so one would think...
And if I want to accept responsibility for my own stupid actions, then I should be able to do so, preferably without a lecture that I should've known this all along. If I was stupid, chances are that I'm aware of it.
And if I want to change my facebook last name, I would love to not be assumed to hate my former surname. Perhaps I was just making the change as a joke or to prove a point. Maybe...

On a happy note, I haven't had a crush on someone in what seems like eons now. And by golly, I've acquired one. And it comes with the whole butterflies and stumbling words and flirting and goofy smiles. And this feeling is wonderful and I love it and it makes me smile to just think about smiling about someone again. BUT it is just a crush. On someone who (thankfully) doesn't even go to this school (unfortunately). If it doesn't go anywhere, at least I've had fun in the moment. :)

Other than that, well, people have been saying a lot of mean things about me. Whether drunk or not. And well, I don't really care. Keep talking. Because I'm really happy right now and that isn't changing.

K love bye,
Lydia

Mean:

I don' t know what to think anymore, honestly.

It seems that my mood fluctuates between missing you and being frustrated with you. I generally care about you even though maybe I shouldn't. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore!!! Just let everything go and quit being nice completely or what? Keep being myself and try to help out when I think I can and end up feeling more frustrated?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO ANYMORE. haha

All I know is that the only reason I ended up feeling frustrated was because that is how my night ended. With you marching out, pissed off, and my roommate saying that that was way too much for her to handle anymore so she was going home, which left me to a heart-to-heart conversation that I'm tired of even having.

And the conclusion I came to from that conversation with Jacob?:

"I don't know anymore, Jake. I'm starting to think it is me. It's like I've developed this pattern with people this year. And all of it just seems to be my fault for being who I am."

SO. Now what? hahaha ugh. I'm so tired of thinking.

I just don't like being publicly announced as a hated individual.

Two sides to every story. And I don't even tell my side anymore. It's not worth it. Sides are just a division of what was once whole.

On another note, I've had a crappy week. I was fined 500 dollars, didn't eat for 48 hours because I didn't have money anymore, still don't have money, was betrayed by a friend, cried twice over the phone, was scolded on several different occasions (one of which was for dying my hair brown), pulled an all-nighter that I didn't need to pull, returned to a bad habit, was almost put in a very uncomfortable situation, had to give away my cat, and pissed off a few people, dropped a class, and my brother moved away.

Oh, and Starbucks got my drink order wrong. Damn barista.... If I wanted it a mocha, I would've asked for it.

That about tops off my week. Tomorrow starts a new one and I'm going in to it with my head held high and a positive attitude.

Hope all is well with y'all :)

Well today,

The weekend of January 23rd is stuck with me today.
Funny thing is that I'm not one percent sure that was the correct weekend. But I'm almost positive.
Granted, I don't care and I'd prefer to not remember at all.

Today, I feel haunted. And I feel empty.
If you haven't already guessed, today sucked. Everything that could've gone wrong did and then some. Now I would just love to be evicted from my apartment to end the day on a bang.

The year of 2010 is not going down in my diary as a good year. Just about everything from this year ended badly. I mean, life is life and things happen usually not the way you intend them to. But come on... Is it 2011 yet? Not that the advancing of a couple months changes anything. You don't get to start over. Time all runs together until it runs out.

And that's just it: It runs out.

So I could sit here and choose to dwell on every little thing this year, but I don't want to. I could learn something from it all, but right now I'd rather just not think about it at all. I'd rather just move on. Live tomorrow like things could be worse. Because the truth is? They could be. My life is blessed and I'm cursed with the annoying habit of forgetting just that.

Tomorrow probably won't be better. But I owe it to myself to keep fighting this.

All I wanted was a damn hug today. I still want one. Preferably from one of my best friends. But they had plans and I'm not about to rain on their parade.

Still.

A hug would be nice.
A shoulder would be golden.
And reassurance would be diamond.

Unless the heart isn't in it. Then it would all be like my smile:
fleeting.

I don't care how this makes me look:

October 3, 2010. Aka: today.

219 days since the day we met.

220 if you include the day we met.

48 days after day one, I walked to your place.

46 days of you waiting for me to ask you since day 49.

That is 94 days before I asked you to be mine.

54 days of happily ever after.

71. 71 days. That’s 2 months and 8 days since we broke up.

18 days later we stopped talking.

And then after another 17 days I found out you found a new girl.

That’s somewhere within 35 days.

36 days of speaking to each other again.

53 days since we stopped talking brings us here.

I don’t know where we go from here.

Say So:

I'm not an individual without some form of intellect. Do I boast to be the most intelligent person out of my group of family or friends? Most certainly not. But I'm not stupid when it comes to logic and maturity and, you know- stuff.

But I will never understand how an individual can cheat on someone. I mean, obviously if the act occurs, the relationship was obviously not meant to last anyway. That person didn't care enough to not cheat, so you should not feel obligated or guilt-ed into staying in that relationship. You shouldn't stay, hoping for change and that they wouldn't do it again, because, in all honesty? The trust in that relationship is gone. I don't think you would ever be able to fully trust that individual ever again. You'd constantly be facing paranoia/suspicion that if you're not with them, they could be with someone else.
To be perfectly honest, I've dealt with it. Several times. I can truthfully say that I constantly go into relationships or dates with the idea that it won't go anywhere, because they aren't much different from the last guy. Which I guess could be a reason why I'm often giving off incorrect impressions of myself. It's a character flaw; these trust issues of mine. But, in my defense, they aren't all my fault. Can I be blamed for putting up walls in order to prevent history from repeating itself? Because, in fact, history does repeat itself. Over and over and over again.
Point is: I don't get how someone can choose to do that to someone. And the second you tell me that it wasn't a choice, I might drop the subject and walk away from you post-haste.

I've been sick lately. And it isn't fun.

Some people think I live and act more dramatically than others. You know what I think? The world is a big, small world. Chances are, there is someone, somewhere that has an equal or greater amount of dramatic experiences. that being said- life isn't bad, it's just not easy.

I miss the trailer park.
Does saying that make me some minuscule form of white trash? Because I miss a trailer park? If I had said differently would it change your point of view?

I miss my best friend, Matt. He called me today and he has just always been there for me.

Ever told a joke that you thought would be hilarious, and not realize that instead it was highly inappropriate or not a joke at all? Yeah, can't say I have. But I've heard some.

Okay, it is late and now I'm starting to just randomly wander off any particular subject and jot down what is popping up in my mind instead of developing meaningful points. That means I probably should just sleep.

I feel a huge change coming on. I am a little tired of some of my newly acquired habits and instead of just saying that I'm going to change, here's a thought: I'm ACTUALLY going to act on it.

Goodnight, moon.
Hello, sunshine.

Bigger than Love- My Favorite Highway

Over Dramatic:

There is always something going on in life.
Always.
Life is never boring for anyone.

My life is the farthest thing from boring. That is for sure.

I'm not going to say I hate drama. I don't. Do I like it? No. Would I prefer to avoid it? Yes. However, it is a part of life and as soon as people start to actually realize that, the better. YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH DRAMA. Whether it is yours or someone else's. It's part of growing up and learning. So stop spending your time whispering in corners to your friends about how you hate drama and blah blah blah.
That being said, I live a very dramatic life.

Lately, I've been stressing out about everything big and small. School, Dean, home, money, lack-of-job, food, etc. But who doesn't have stress? For real, I need to just pull myself aside and be like, "CHILL OUT. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE LIVING."

I love life. Currently, I've been acting all mopey and angsty towards my untimely luck, but overall, I'm alive and living and I know really awesome people.

Sometimes I wonder how I can listen to the same song over and over and over again. But I think it just depends on what mood I'm in or what is going on around me. I really like music I can really, really sing to. It's fun and it makes me feel good. I also like when I'm walking around campus and I find a good song to walk confidently to. Music effects my walk, haha. I walk confidently then and it leads to the feeling of sexiness. And who doesn't want to feel sexy?

Another thing today that I was wondering about was why don't they put clocks in a doctor's office? Like in the little room that the nurse puts you in to wait for your doctor. They just don't want you to know how long you wait? Because I think it makes you feel like you've waited longer than you actually have.
Personally, I don't like the doctor. Any doctor. Doctor's offices freak me out. And hospitals? Thank goodness I have not had to stay overnight at one yet. Everything about them scares me. Visiting my grandmother is hard enough sometimes, but I do it because I love her and it is important. (My grandma is currently doing fine. I'm just sayin')

I think I need to stop trying to figure people out. Well, no. That's not exactly what I mean. I need to stop being overdramatic. But then again, that just seems to be who I am maybe.

My birthday is coming up. I don't really expect anyone to do anything for it really. It'll come and go like it usually does. And that's okay. Just 20. I'm a junior in college and I'm still 19. Apparently, that is young.

That is all for now, I guess.
Unless you actually want to be updated on the drama? I don't know. Get back to me and maybe I'll fill you in.

Broken:

Well, I'm single again.

And to be honest, I've had a pretty rough week.
I don't think I've ever felt this low or upset.

Dean accused me of cheating on him right in front of his face. Granted, it was completely false. I would never cheat on anyone. Ever. EVER. No matter the circumstance, I wouldn't even think to do something like that. But when alcohol is involved, people tend to not think as clearly as perhaps they should.
He said some awful things to me and I went home in tears. I broke it off with him. It's hard though. Really hard.
I think that the worst part so far today is when we went to church- not because we were in church, because honestly I was glad to get back to church- but my grandmother turned to me and asked, "where is Dean?" and when I told her that he had gone home, she followed it up with, "well, is he coming back?" My mother then hushed my grandma and said that we would talk about it later.

I just have a lot on my mind.
And I don't want to be around anyone at all for a while.

This is going to suck for a while.

Sweet Home:

Well, it has been a month or two now, hasn’t it?

Gaylord sucks the time out of everything. I never knew what day it was or what time it was, because every day was what seemed like the same. Work was brutal and stress-filled. I would go back to my lovely accommodations at the end of the day and literally just crash at about 9:30, usually while watching some kind of movie that I rented.

If you haven’t already heard, I quit. Two days ago actually. There was a lot of things said that were inappropriate and rather unprofessional- in my opinion- and I would dive into the details for you, but chances are that that would be against my better interests, since it has all happened so suddenly and there is still a lot of bad air floating around. Needless to say, there were a lot of tears shed on my part and now I’m home. I will only miss certain people that I worked with or for.

I actually talked for about an hour to the Australians that lived upstairs from me (they stayed in the town homes for like 3 weeks!) before I left yesterday morning. We exchanged e-mail addresses and they said that if I ever needed a place to stay in Australia- if I ever get over there- then they would be more than happy to house me for a little bit! They were super nice and I sat and listened about their travels around the states and sipped on a cup of coffee that they made me- which, of course, I don’t like coffee but I thought the company that it would bring would be nice before leaving.

Back when I was still working there, I had come home for almost an entire week due to back problems that I needed to see my chiropractor about. After that week, as I was driving back up to work, I had a hard time believing that I was even going back to work. It was like this oddly surreal feeling that I wasn’t actually driving to a destination, but rather that I was just driving. Odd, huh?

Now I’m home and couldn’t feel more fidgety. I need to do something with myself for the next month or I’ll go nuts. I had been working for 2 months pretty much straight and now I can’t seem to sit still. I’m hoping to ask DQ for my job back and everyone seems to think that that will work out for me. But if they don’t take me back, I seriously will go insane, haha.

Dean is now working for my parents, so I get to see him after he gets off work every day now. He is staying in our house, which most people would find it weird, but it really isn’t odd for my family and we’re not hard to adjust to. He and I still argue from time to time and I often find myself reevaluating things, but meh- arguing is apparently normal for two people to do. But it sure is nice to be home where I’m loved, that is for sure.

I’m job hunting in Mt. P on Friday. It should be interesting and I hope to find something for the fall. But I’m not getting my hopes too high, because I hear the job search up there isn’t going so well for most.

Anyway, there is probably much more that I can tell you but today I seem to be kind of out of it. Plus, Dean just got home so he’ll want to hang out.

I hope to update again soon.

Work is High school:

Well, it has been a while, hasn’t it?

I love where I work. Typically the people that come in are wonderful- and I am not uncomfortable talking to them, even if they make inappropriate comments- I think it is funny, honestly; and I know it comes with the job. My job pays well and it is generally a fun environment.

However, there are more days that are like being in high school again. Drama-filled and gossip-prone. It’s like a jelly donut. The drama is on the surface, and once you bite into it, you get to the gossip, haha (I really just wanted to use that analogy). And most of the time, my supervisor is an ass to specifically me and the cook. Let me explain why:

My boss is in love with this girl that I work with, who is eight years younger than he is- so he is never mean to her. His best friend up here is the other guy I work with, and he thinks the bev cart girl is hilarious. That leaves me, the “stupid” intern who is nothing but overly nice and dumped on as far as workload goes.
The drama issue we have is that- and I’ll use code names just because I feel like it- Johnny likes Suzy but Suzy like Jeff. And Jeff? Well, Jeff likes Mary. And Suzy and Mary are all buddy buddy, but Suzy doesn’t know that Jeff likes Mary. Mary just kind of goes with the flow, I think.

I met this girl that goes to CMU here at work too. Her name is Allie, and she is AWESOME. Haha, we were definitely immediate friends. She’s already planning on taking me out for my twenty-first, which is still a year away, haha. But I’m SO glad she works there. If she didn’t, I might go completely insane.

In other news, I have a boyfriend now. As of this past Tuesday. His name is Dean and he is super nice and treats me well. We went to Mackinac Island on Tuesday and I asked him to be my boyfriend. He was completely caught off guard, but super happy about it, since he’d been asking me the same question for about a month, and I kept saying I needed more time.

Honestly, I could still need more time. But I have to give this a shot. I enjoy spending time with him, but I just… I’ve been through a bit of a rough patch, and I think I’d rather just take time alone and travel. But I can’t just put something so great out of the way, so I need to try to get through this in this manner. I don’t know- it’s rather difficult to explain. His birthday is on Tuesday this week and I’m driving down to see him for it.

Gaylord is still boring, I still have yet to play golf, and the phone service here still sucks. I still miss my family and friends, but I’m getting by and spending too much tip money. I’ve found a new love for family video and their free children’s movie section (since, I love Disney so much, this works out perfectly) and their very cheap prices. It’s lonely up here, but I hope that people visit soon. Afterall, I only get one day off a week and therefore traveling for me is difficult. Especially when I work 12 hrs a day and am exhausted by the time I get back to my room.

I hope you all are well. 

Ghost Town:

Well, I moved up to Gaylord two days ago, yesterday was my first day of work, and today was my second- I got off early.

Yesterday, I cleaned windows. Which may sound simple, I know. But the Loon has like over a hundred windows, I'm guessing. I went through three bottles of Windex! And it took me probably close to 4 or 5 hours before I was out of Windex completely. And today, what does it do outside? It rains! Haha, my supervisor actually laughed when he mentioned it and I "glared" at him.
I did a couple other things too, but the windows were a big chunk of my day. I really enjoy the people I work with. All a bunch of sarcastic, good people. It'll be a fun summer.

Today I learned how to use the computer. It rained though so I went home super early. And honestly? Gaylord has to be the quietest town EVER. The interns downstairs (3 boys my age) don't do much either- they golf. I've never golfed before in my life and I'm not about to learn on a day like today. So I've been sitting here for two hours. And it is driving me insane already. But for me to go around and wander around downtown without anyone with me isn't the same as Mt. Pleasant/on campus at CMU. I literally don't feel safe alone in this town. I went to Walmart last night and it creeped me out. Fastest shopping I'd ever done, haha.

Tomorrow I learn how to make an egg sandwich. Haha, shouldn't be too hard. But who knows. I'm working just about everywhere here this summer, I think. Besides outdoor operations. I'm food and beverage on an internship. Tomorrow I'll be in the kitchen for a bit. Today I was bartending. Yesterday, I was more or less just doing little tasks that needed to be done. I'll probably be doing the beverage cart a couple times once I get to know that better. And who knows.

I'm not paid overtime. I'm on salary because of the internship. However, I do get free room and board. It's basically like college, only without the alcohol access and work substitutes for classes.

It should be interesting. I come home tired a lot (and it is only my second day). But in my defense, my first day was a 12 hr shift roughly. And the days will only get busier and longer. I just hope that the weather picks up soon.

I'll keep you posted.

Suffocation in Time:

Well, it would appear that time is suffocating me. Not in the sense that I have too much of it to know what to do, but in the sense that I do not have enough. I still am having a hard time grasping that I'm going to be living by myself for the summer. In like.................. two more days now. Wow.

I still have to clean my room. And simultaneously pack my clothes and other items. I'm supposed to pack light, which makes me feel like I'm only going to be there for a short vacation. But this isn't a vacation, it is work; and it is for the entire summer, not a couple weeks. I'm a girl. I like clothes and shoes and other useless accessories. What ever will I do?!

I should be sleeping. I have church at 9:30AM and I need to wake up earlier to shower. Then I have to go shopping with my mother after church to buy khaki pants and shorts for work. After shopping, I need to submit my English paper (I CANNOT forget to do that). And then I need to head over to Grandma's for Mother's Day; which I unfortunately realized I was unable to afford a present for my own mother =(

I told my boss at DQ today that I wasn't coming back. He took it surprisingly really well and made me realize that I had been worrying about it for nothing. Perhaps I wasn't that great of a worker anyway. Nah... that can't be it. =) I will miss working there a lot though. The people are fantastic. And I know how difficult it can be to work with awesome people.

Everybody seems to want to hang out with me on Monday, which is totally fine with me. I want to see people before I go. I just have so much to do! It's almost overwhelming. But I know I can pull it off.

I try to be friends with people and I tolerate ridiculously immature bullshit on a constant basis. Well, tonight I decided to tell myself that I deserve better than that and take another step. I deleted a guy that I had previously dated off of my facebook. Normally, I'm not for cutting people out of my life completely. But he had stopped responding to texts, he stopped responding to friendly conversation altogether actually. And when I bumped into him at the 7-11 up at school, I noticed how uncomfortable that random meeting had made him. So I watched as he was fake to my face and acting like I was still upset about everything that had ever happened. Like, dude, whatever! Relax! Haha, so me, giving him the benefit of the doubt in thinking that things were finally normal, texted him a couple days later to see how life was treating him. No response. Deleted number. Haha. The other day I tried an internet approach to conversation. No response. At that point, I decided that his immaturity about the whole thing was just not worth the effort anymore. I'm in a better place anyway. So- deleted off of facebook now. And couldn't feel less regret about it. Hope he has a wonderful life, truly. And overcomes his strong sense of immaturity when dealing with the aftermath of breaking up with a girl.

I really wanted to play Pokemon today. OR Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

Well, I need to clear off my bed and get some sleep.
Goodnight!

Summer Fever:

Well, I'm officially done with schooling for the year. Which hopefully means more posts for you all to read. Hopefully- no promises.

Being home right now is actually bittersweet in a sense. I mean, I love being home. But I was totally stoked (still am) for this new job experience up in Gaylord. And it is just starting to sink in how much I'm going to miss being around here and all the people that I know and have grown so comfortable with. It's home. And I'll be away from it (apart from weekend visits) for basically an entire year now. It's weird. And sad. And exciting. Bittersweet. *Humph*

I'm trying to be reasonable and smart with this guy that I met about a month ago. He wanted to date over the summer and I said we should hold off and see if we can pick things back up in the fall. Truth of the matter is that I am not ready for that, I don't think. He's really great though. Practically perfect for me. I'm just not feelin' it right now, I guess? Who knows. A couple nights ago I was celebrating Cinco de Mayo with him and a couple of his buddies. I had a wonderful time. But there was one point where I said "I love you", haha, realized what words came out of my mouth, apologized, and couldn't believe I'd even said it at all. I didn't want him to take it the wrong way, which I felt he easily could've. I meant it. Just not in that way. Ya know? haha

I saw Iron Man 2 tonight with my older brother. Honestly, it was a good movie. I would recommend going to see it or at least renting it when it comes out. Unfortunately, I was disappointed in the villain. I mean, come on. You've got those BA electrocuting whips, so you should be able to kick some major bootay, no? But what really happened? He hardly lasts in the final battle. It was a huge letdown as far as epic fight scenes go. And Scarlet Johansson? I've decided I am not a fan of her. I don't think she is attractive (yeah, she's got a rack and a big bum. so what?) and her acting is not up to my standards. She did alright in this particular movie. Probably the best I've seen her out of all her movies, actually. But overall, I'd give the movie a watch. Robert Downey Jr. is phenomenal like always at least.

I have a ton of crap in my room to clean before leaving on Tuesday. I literally can barely walk in there. All my college stuff is strewn across the floor like it's no big deal. I wanted to have people over tomorrow as kind of a "going away" party type thing. But, of course, those plans will probably get looked over.

Shoot. I just remembered that I still need to call and talk to my boss at the DQ... Haven't exactly broken the news to him yet. Oops. :|

Well, it is 2:30AM so I should catch some z's.
Later, readers.

Stressed out:

Well, I have been slacking in the blogging department lately, I guess. Truth be told, I am unbelievably stressed. It got to the point today that I even broke down in my 8AM class. I had a presentation that was due and I just walked right up to my professor and tried to see if I could get it pushed back another week. To which she later told me that I probably wouldn’t be able to fit it in next week. I needed those points. Then we had a nice long chat about what is going on and what is more important to me. She literally told me that I would come in every day looking exhausted and that today she was even legitimately scared and worried about me. Stress is catching up to me and it isn’t doing well for me mentally.

In other news, my grandmother went into the hospital maybe a week and a half ago and lots of people were convinced, including her, that she wasn’t coming back out this time. Things were looking grim which added more stress to my plate. Needless to say, Grandma is doing much better and is home for the time being.

My aunt Lisa got married this past weekend and I played photographer. Well, one of the photographers anyway. It was a beautiful wedding and I had no problem being nearly the only person on the dancefloor at one point. It was actually a pretty enjoyable weekend home. And I found out that after my last final, I go home for the weekend, and then I move up to Gaylord to start work for the summer. I’m ready to be on my own to a point.

I’ve been casually dating this one guy. And he’s really great. And he wants to be official with me, even though summer is in less than two weeks and I’ll be so far away. He’s sweet and seems like the kind of guy that I would really be great with. But truth be told, I do not trust him. I have reason to not trust him. He was trying to show me some pictures of his cat on his phone and naturally I was looking over his shoulder as he was searching for one. Chances are he doesn’t even remember anyway since he’d had so much to drink. But there were pictures on his phone. Certain pictures.
I was worried about him last night so I didn’t sleep more than an hour and a half. This morning I noticed a notebook labeled “memories” on his floor and out of my curiosity and boredom, I picked it up. Bad idea. Not only does this make me look like I was snooping, but I immediately set it back down after reading something that made my stomach turn. What do you do when you find out that someone lied to you but they don’t know that you know? What am I supposed to do? He needs me right now to support him and be his friend, but this is going to drag me under the bus; and I’m supposed to be looking out for myself more so. Ugh, I don’t know what to do or how to handle this all right now.

Stress has prevented me from sleeping and also eating. I suppose this is alright because then I might lose some weight. It’s not really the way I’d prefer about going about it, of course. I feel really unhealthy today and like I cannot move. Thing is that I’ve got a photography project due tomorrow morning and a painting that I haven’t started. So I suppose I should get going.

Well, that’s my life recapped at the moment. Hope yours is going well. :)

Freaking Out:

Well, I'm freaking out hard-core.

I'm also doing laundry because I know I can't sleep and I have to do something (something that isn't actually homework, of course).

But holy flying pig shit, I'm freaking out.

I can't bring myself to type anymore at this point.

10 Questions:

1. Where was your first kiss?
Hahaha. In a dorm room, believe it or not.

2. What are you feeling right now this very moment?
Pensive, I think is the correct term to describe it. With the burning desire to sing.

3. If you could fly, but had to leave everything behind, would you?
Yes, I would.

4. What color are your socks?
Invisible.

5. Do you have a morning routine? What is it?
Kind of? I wake up, turn off the first alarm, sleep, wake up another two times after turning off the second and third alarm, climb out of bed, pee, put in contacts, shower, brush teeth, grab books, head to class.


6. If the world was going to end tomorrow, how would you spend today?
I spend every day like it were my last, because the world could end tomorrow.

7. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
My honesty.

8. What is your favorite quality in others?
Selflessness or understanding.

9. What is the scariest thing you've encountered?
I remember last year my mother sent me a picture message of my younger brother's mouth. He'd look like he'd gotten into a huge fight and lost. I called her and she didn't pick up. I hyperventilated. I'm very close with my family. Turns out he had to have stitches, had a minor concussion, and therefore had to be woken up every 3 hours that night. That was pretty scary for me.

Personal encounters though- you'll have to maybe ask me. I'm still not comfortable talking about a particular frightening moment.

10. When do you feel alive?
I think I understand what this question is trying to mean, despite it's poor wording- so... when I'm playing the piano.

This Time:

People don’t like the present.
So they live in the past and look to the future.
Completely disregarding the necessity of the current time.
It’s only important to them once it has passed.

Well, eff that.
There is no time like the present time.

I want to take each moment as it hits me.

New, Signs:

It would seem that I only create a new post when I have important homework that is due the next morning.

Today wasn’t bad. It was difficult, but I shouldn’t take a day for granted.

Challenging but not something that hinders me from learning or growing or living.

We had our third painting assignment due today. I was really quite excited about it, because I was decently pleased with how my painting had turned out. I think it proceeded to make me glum about my day though. I’d explain, but I feel the need to exempt the explanation from my blog.

So all day, all I wanted was a hug.

Nay, I wanted more than that. I wanted to be held.

Do you believe in signs? Because I don’t think I do. I believe everything happens for a reason, yeah. But signs? Seems a bit farfetched to me. It seems that signs are just an excuse to tell yourself that something will happen or something is meant to be. It’s almost like believing in luck? Maybe? Sort of?

I don’t know. But if signs are for realsies then I’ve been ignoring them for the past 4 months now. If they were even to be considered as signs. What are your thoughts on the concept of signs? I’m curious to know.

Two weeks. Well, technically three if you count finals week. And then I’m free to work myself to death at a new job this summer. Yet, I am excited to be living with people I don’t know. Not just “people” but guys. I’m living with a bunch of guys and I’m excited about it. Why? No offense, ladies, but I don’t really get along with you very well anyway and guys are way less drama. You have no idea how excited I am to just put this semester behind me and meet completely new people.

New people. New place.

P.S. My sister is officially engaged.

Finding Nemo:

"No, of course I like you. It's because I like you, I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated... emotion."

-Marlin from Finding Nemo

The Moment:

So here I am, 7:02PM on a Thursday. I’m sitting in my room, door closed, and bored; which, of course, leaves me alone to think about everything and anything in my life.

There was a moment. A moment that I’ve only ever had with one person. And ironically enough, that one person is someone who I can’t have moments with. It’s a really weird feeling that I can’t allow myself to pursue nor would it actually go anywhere if I pursued it. But I love that moment. And I hope that I can find someone else who I can have that moment with.

Or can you only have certain moments with one person? Because everyone is different, you know? Right? I kind of hope I’m wrong.

So I tend to be overly nice to people I consider my friends. They might not really even consider me as much of a friend. But the moment person? I know that their birthday is coming up. And part of me keeps debating on whether or not to buy Tiger tickets. I love the Tigers. But I know that I’d probably wind up sheepishly giving them to the person for their birthday. But I shouldn’t… right? I shouldn’t, but I really want to.

I mean, if my heart says so, shouldn’t I just listen to my heart? Or is it my head that needs to start speaking up more?

I don’t know.

Maybe I really am crazy.

One Wish:

I think if I could be granted any wish right now, I wouldn’t wish for world peace or an endless supply of money or even the greatest love of my life.

No, I think I’d wish for something stranger. Well a stranger thing than most people would find themselves wishing anyway.

I think I’d wish to give my voice box to someone who would put it to better use than I do.

It’s like I’m wasting this great gift. And if I’m not going to use it to its full potential, then why not give it to someone who would, ya know?

I don’t know. It’s been an odd week so far already. Yesterday, I gave a lot of thought to the idea of transferring. Today, I realized that there would be no point in going through that hassle when I’m already half way done with schooling.
A lot of people would just tell me I need a break, and that summer is coming so I’ll get just that. But really, I don’t think so. I think I need to travel. I think I need to just take off. And if I weren’t so anchored here in Michigan, I think I would. But that’s the great thing about reality, isn’t it? It’s that when we desire to do something completely spontaneous and crazy that could potentially ruin everything, we can’t because the reality of things is that it isn’t the right timing, or it isn’t possible financially (etc.).

I think I’d like to write something that matters to people. And I think I want people to want to read it. And connect with it. But there are just so many things to write about in life that I wouldn’t know remotely where to start. And then I’d have to actually make it interesting after I find that starting point, haha. Fat chance.

I wish I could write in pictures.

Then again, isn’t that what movies are supposed to be for? That’s not what I mean though. You’re smart- I bet you understand what I’m saying.

I wonder if my thoughts are what keep me from sleeping soundly. Man, I’ve been having a lot of strange nightmares lately. And I often dream about people that I don’t know personally. Like, I’ve met them maybe once and then they show up in my dreams like I’ve known them my whole life. It’s odd. I wonder if it’s odd that I find nightmares fascinating now. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to let myself fear. We can’t be led by fear, dear.

Well, in the completely normal side of my life, I have yet another paper to construct before tomorrow morning. I can’t stop wishing I were sitting outside right now though. It’s not even nice out. It rained all day here.

But maybe I don’t like the idea of walls anymore.

Happy Easter!:

First of all, a very happy Easter to you all!

Well, I suppose it’s been a while since I’ve written. Truth is, I’ve been so self-involved lately that it becomes difficult to even put my thoughts into words. But alas, I am back for the moment; and you will get a post, whether it is interesting or not.

So I’ve really wanted it to rain lately. I was hoping to get a nice rainfall to play as an accompaniment to the warm weather. When this happens, I will be found running around campus and jumping in puddles like a crazy person. It’s quite fun though, so I do not mind how I look to the observing eye. I highly recommend trying it sometime, if you haven’t already.

I went home this weekend at the request of my parents (mostly my father). I was really animate about not wanting to come home at all, but after realizing how important it was to them, I caved and pouted the whole way home. I would’ve been less upset, if my best friend from out of state weren’t in town for the one night that they had me picked up. I suppose, however, I should be thankful that I got to see him at all. I just wish I had had more time is all. And! He gave me at least two hundred and fifty new songs. I can always count on him to expand my itunes library.

Sometimes I wonder if the tone of this blog is rather depressing or disheartening. Reading through some of it, I always sound pissed off or upset or lost. If there is any confusion due to this, I assure you that I am happy and I am living a wonderful life. I’d just come to realize that sometimes I can just sound like a really angst-y teenager, who thinks she has all this bad stuff that happens to her. I could be much worse off and I realize that. I just like to talk about things. And people like to hear about problems. For some reason, it makes stories more interesting.

I don’t know. Something like that, right? Haha.

Well, now that I’ve cleared that up. Back to the dark and brooding matters of my life, right? Hahaha.

Well, honestly, I don’t have much to tell you that is dark or remotely problematic. My sister is over in London at the moment (so jealous) with her boyfriend who is planning to propose.
Naturally, this is very exciting news and upon being the first to know, I wanted to hug somebody! Haha, well no one was around at the moment and I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about it (I’m still not, but I trust that there is no way my sister can access this information while on her trip) so I was going crazy. Anyway, mums the word still, so don’t go spilling the beans somehow! Haha got it? :P

I went and saw “The Last Song” with one of my very close friends. I decided that it really wasn’t that great of a movie. Miley Cyrus cannot act and her hair was atrocious throughout a majority of the movie. And I found the ending to be awkward and totally predictable. All it made me want to do was visit Georgia (it looked beautiful), and play piano all afternoon.

Maybe I’ve become a bit of a cynic towards movie romance. I just know that that isn’t how it happens. I want to be done with the fallacy of movie and television relationships/romance being a reality. Let’s be realistic here: if guys did half the stuff they do so quickly in movies, chances are that the girl is going to think he’s ridiculous, a major creeper, or just plain not be interested. Guys aren’t like that. Where does Hollywood get off trying to make me believe that there is someone out there who can be expected to live up to that?

Well, I could go on for a while, but I think I’ll stop here for the day. I’d like to thank whoever wrote in my formspring and reminded me to update. I am flattered that anyone at all reads this. I truly enjoy writing, and knowing that it is actually read is amazing. So thank you.

Homework calls- and I should pick up the call.
Later!

Currently playing: Atlantis- Deas Vail

Bad feelings:

Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself and just have a hard time believing it was or is really you?

There was this day this past week. It was maybe 3:30AM and I was in Wightman, trying to finish my painting.
I mean, obviously it is supposed to be me, looking in a mirror at myself. What I could potentially be. It's very much more in depth than the current picture on this blog (which, by the way, the painting is supposed to be displayed upside down). Anyway, so it was really, really early in the morning and I had decided that there was definitely no way I'd be getting any sleep that night, despite the feeling of pure exhaustion. I walked to the bathroom in the building, which was eerily quiet. Like that uncomfortable quiet that you don't really like walking around in. Anyway, so I get to the bathroom and I stand there and I just stare at myself in the mirror.
It was odd.
Most likely just because I was so exhausted and I'd been staring at my painting for hours upon hours. However, it was like it wasn't me. I actually felt like I could reach out and touch a different person.

Who does that? Who looks at themself and doesn't see the same person? Am I crazy or what?
Or maybe I was just that overly exhausted.

To be quite honest, I feel so pulled in different directions lately that it is almost unbearable. People just tearing at me and wanting me to help them. And I want to help them, I really do. But I cannot live life for them. I can't.

I have to be everything I can be for people.

I love life. I honestly do. But something doesn't feel right. Something is up.
And I've got a really bad feeling. In my gut. Just something isn't right.

Two places:

I could use two places right now:

1. My favorite place. Accompanied by a good conversation, a cold drink, a toasty bonfire with smores, and unbelievable amounts of fireflies.

2. Some place far away from Michigan. Preferably with a beach and maybe an open field or something of the sort. A light breeze playing with the sand. Maybe a sunset or two dancing on the horizon.

Yeah. If only.

Oh, and both places are accompanied by music of variety.
Music makes everything even better.

I'm tired of this place. I feel confined. I need to get out, meet new people, and see the world.
I'd start walking now if it were possible.

I want to live out of my car at some point in my life.
Does that make me weird?
I think it makes me adventurous and free-spirited and open to all of life's possibilities.
And that sounds like a pretty good way of living life to it's fullest to me.

ROAD TRIP!
I think I'll plan one for myself. Not tell anyone where I'm going or when I'm going.
Because to do so alone, I'm free to leave when I want, go anywhere I want, and not have to worry about canceled plans.
Although, I very much would like company.

I feel like my heart is wide open and it couldn't be shut if I tried to close it.
I feel completely vulnerable. To life.
So watch me leap heart-first into a world full of darkness.
Danger is always a possibility. More than a possibility, actually. More like a probability.
See you on the other side! :D

Delay of painting;

Nothing like finally being on a roll with this painting and then realizing that I have to stop and get ready for work in an hour.

And I offered to pick up a shift tomorrow if needed. Am I that idiotic? This painting is due when I get back. It has to be 95% done by Monday. It is maybe 20% done. Way to plan this out, Lydia.

I'm being pulled to pieces between work and people wanting me to do them favors or family events. This is the least relaxing way to be spending my break. It doesn't even feel like I've been on one. It feels like I've been home for a weekend. Just a weekend. That's how jam packed I feel my schedule is. It's suffocating. But I suppose it is my own fault for taking on so much at once.

Well, I met someone who led me on and now suddenly believes that the type of person they are is not what I'm looking for. Again. Being friends is what is best "for the time being". Time. I'm tired of time. I laugh at myself for letting this happen yet again. I literally saw it coming. And although he hints at time being a factor that could change things, the truth of the matter is that time doesn't change things like this. It's not a matter of timing.

Regardless, this was for the better. I'm at a point in my life where I am not ready for any relationship. I am comfortable with being free. Independent. I want to travel. I don't want to be tied down to anyone at the moment.

There are times when I truly believe I won't find anyone. I feel as if people cannot see life the way I do. And I'm stuck in the state of mind where I want them to see it like me. But not one person sees things the same as another and I realize that. But my mind chooses to not want to believe that I can show them somehow.

I can't explain to you the beauty that I see. The 'love' that I feel. (I put love in quotes because you already know I don't believe in being able to feel love to the full extent).

Anyway, I'm going to wind up talking myself in circles right now.
And I have ten minutes before leaving for work and I have yet to change. Oops.
Toodles.

Spring Break:

Well I was hoping for some profound topic to blog about to just pop into my mind spontaneously.
I fail in that hope.
No profound or thought provoking blog thoughts tonight, unfortunately. Perhaps your mind was tired of trying to wrap around my twisted thought train anyway. I truly do not know.
It’s spring break. I’d like to say that I’m vacationing in a sunny, beach-like location. Or perhaps just somewhere with beautiful landscapes. However, my vacation consists of staring at a very complicated painting and the inside of a Dairy Queen.
I want to soak my feet in something that will make them stop throbbing.
Work is the same as it always is. Enjoyable and productive. I feel the need to gain new job experience though. Guess it is a good thing that I will be doing just that soon anyway.
I worry about certain friends of mine and the choices and decisions they are quick to make lately.
*sigh* that is all I have to say for the moment. Perhaps I will think of something more in-depth later tonight. For now? I’m going to watch UP!

Winnie the Pooh exercises

I'm totally doing this every day now.

Think, Thank, Thunk?

So fun fact:

when I was younger, I truly believed I was fearless. I wanted to be a stunt double, because the idea of putting myself at risk for fun was cool and intriguing. Me. Lydia Lorraine. A stunt double.

I believed I was completely fearless. But I realize now I was just naive to the idea of the world being a scary place.

And now I'm older. And now I'm scared when I just want to be back in my comfortable, naive bubble.

What's funny is that I can admit to you over the internet that I'm scared about things. I won't be specific, because afterall it is the internet. But I figure my fears are just as common as any other typical college student's fears. But in person? Getting me to actually talk about how I feel about things outside of the social networking systems that can mask emotions through lack of facial expression? Yeah. Good luck with that one.

Do you think you can over-analyze yourself? A lot of times I feel like I'm playing psychiatrist with myself. I'm not crazy. But I like to analyze people and situations and personalities and the like. I like psychiatry, I think. I like to think about the way an individual's mind works. And whose mind to better start with than my own, ya know?
But what are the dangers of examining your own mind? Are there limits? Could you go too far?
I'm sure a lot of people just figure that I'm discovering who I really am. But it's more than that. I'm literally analyzing. Analyzing how I got to be who I am, maybe.

Just think, think, think. It is consuming and distracting and if I could stop it, I would at this point. I'm too busy to be bothering with analytical thoughts. I have specific things to focus on. I have a life.

Life is life.
Time to focus on this paper... I don't think I'll sleep tonight. :(
Anyway, sorry I just needed to empty space in my mind, so I could hopefully focus. Let's see if it worked, shall we? :P

One Fine Line:

Oh world, why have you warped how people view themselves? Has it always been this way or did someone just start the trend?

People all over have problems with self-image or self-esteem. We accept compliments, yes, but do we truly believe what those people say to us?

“You’re amazing.”

So is that a lie or is it a reality? How would you take that? Would you think to yourself, “Yeah, you know. I am a pretty amazing person”, or would you opt for more of a, “Yeah, sure. Thanks for being nice and flattering me for once.”

We all like to receive compliments. It’s natural to feel a sense of gratitude when someone says something nice about you to you personally. A sense of happiness that you, yes you, are considered amazing or beautiful or smart or funny or all of the above- and then some- to someone. Because really, you don’t want to allow yourself to feel those things about yourself.

Hold on, hold on. Stay with me here.

It’s true. Some people are perfectly comfortable with themselves and have no problem admitting it. But then, if you openly admit that you are something good, what does society do? How do they take your open comfort with who you are?

If I looked at you right now- maybe I barely know you, or maybe I know you fairly well- and said “Hey. I am one awesome person. I’m beautiful and smart and talented.”
How would you react?

The truth is: accepting the fact that you are something good implies a subtle hint of conceit. You like yourself, and, for some reason, that has to be unacceptable to the rest of the world. Accepting it is a dangerous line, because if you openly do choose to accept it, then you are giving people the chance to mistake you as arrogant.

Granted, I’m not saying go out there and advertise how awesome of a person you are, because, yes, sometimes the line into arrogance is crossed if not careful. Humility is respected, and touting is unattractive to say the least.

Anyway, I’m here to tell you that I don’t want to be a part of that world (No, don’t take that as a suicidal statement). I want you to like and accept the good parts of you.

You are beautiful, smart, funny, talented, amazing, etc.

The world can’t take that away from you.

Don’t let them.

Remember everything:

You know, I never thought it would even matter to me if people remember the little things or not. I mean, I have an excellent memory so I'm not going to forget moments and days and specific details. And that should be good enough, right? At least someone is remembering. Right? Am I right?

People affect me.

Yeah, it is a broad statement. Like, duh. People affect other people all the time. But I mean people really affect me. I could hardly know you and you could've changed my entire day or my perspective on something. You could've made me smile for a moment. You could've brought me happiness that I will remember for the rest of my life. And I could have hardly known you. It's a fact.

That is the kind of memory I have.

It's kind of like a photographic memory to an extent. I can literally close my eyes and see the exact moment in time and I can actually feel the same way I knew I felt then. It's like I'm there all over again.
And I wonder if people have a memory like mine sometimes.

Do boys have a harder time remembering things than girls? I mean, I'm sure I could just google it and find some bizarre statistic that tells me that they do. Meh.

I remember all the way back to kindergarten. I think that is my earliest memory. I chased Terri around the playground at recess while giving him the finger. He'd told me that the middle finger was a bad thing when held up by itself. And I ran around after him, telling him "it is just a finger".

Anyway, this whole talk about memories is probably due to the fact that the boy I had last "dated" or had a thing with or whatever did not remember watching a movie with me. I know, I know- big deal, Lydia. It's a movie and it isn't important.
But you see. I remember what movie we were watching, I remember we watched the Red Wings before-hand, I remember talking about the Tigers and learning which one is "his Tiger", I remember what I was wearing, I remember exactly what he said after he first kissed me.
And I remember it was the very first time I had actually sat down and hung out with him.

So yeah, it wasn't a big deal that he doesn't remember what movie it was. And it really isn't a big deal that he remember any of it anymore. Which is why I didn't make it into a big, unnecessary deal. I'm not sure why I even chose to mention it exactly. I think maybe I was hoping that it were all important enough to be remembered. So it just felt weird.

It's weird to think about what people won't remember about me sometimes.

Haha, yeah, so weird end to a strange post. But here is a recap:
I have a good memory.
People affect me.
I have an a skewered twisted view on what I want people to remember...? (there was a subtle hint of this point, I believe).

That's about it.
*sigh* my mind just started going now, haha.
Better get started on this painting project.

Questions:

Here I was, dreading my 8AM because I had been procrastinating assignment until 1AM. But God has blessed me with an e-mail from my professor to inform me that class tomorrow is canceled.
I have a headache and a heavy heart tonight.
You know, it really is the nights that get me the worst. I’m okay around people during the day and I can even pretend to cover hurt with a smile and a casual conversation. But at night? At night I’m by myself in my room and I can just let it out and talk to God without interruption. I have SO many questions, you know.
Oh to ponder the impossibilities and possibilities of life.
Feelings are an interesting thing to ponder. Why bother with them. Why can’t I just seem to discard them. Would that make me less human? And why do I feel things and others don’t?
What makes one person right and one person wrong?
So many questions. Not enough time to ask them.
Goodnight.

Lost Spine Found:

Today I found my spine.
My backbone.
I'd lost it.
And I couldn't feel more whole right now.
I just need to have a few adjustments and I'll be as good as new.

I want to know

how to be there for someone in full knowledge that they are not nor ever will be there for me.

God grant me strength.

And God grant those people love and strength even when I fail to properly give it.

True or False?

You tell me:

It's sometimes fun to kick people when they're down- even if you don't realize you are kicking.

One moment can ruin everything.

People aren't allowed to have bad days without something being wrong with them.

Forgiveness doesn't exist in the world.

You deserve me at my almost best even when you can't handle the worst.

I am always here for you.

You are always here for me.

I have to be the one to make the effort.

This is my fault and I deserve it.

Love is...

Okay, so basically what you hear from me on this page lately is about either the boy I’m crushing on or it’s about what I think of people and their habitual tendencies that I am a part of, yet disagree with more often than not.

Well, today isn’t going to be much different.

I think that part of me hopes to reveal part of myself when I write these posts. I think that I try to convey to someone out there that my thoughts have meaning. That there is a reason why I think the way I do. Heck, maybe this is all just some bizarre way of further discovering part of me that I don’t even know.

Point is you’re probably going to get a bunch of posts full of philosophical mumbo jumbo that may or may not make much sense. I just want to be clear that my words come not only from my logic, but also from my heart. I mean what I say here. I may not always portray the meanings so well, but these words are not some kind of façade of a girl who wants attention. They mean something to me. And I’d hope that they might, at least, mean something to you as well.

So anyway, now that all the whole “explanation” part is over, we can get to the mediocre stuff- my daily thoughts!

Today, I came to realize that I could possibly be in denial. It’s possible- NOT for certain! I told myself two months ago now that I would not let myself become attached to someone that is not stable to attach to. I don’t mean mental stability or even physical for that matter. I mean, I think, that I don’t want to feel anything for anyone that isn’t going to feel anything for me- both friendship and relationship-wise.

From the relationship aspect, this is going to potentially propose some difficulties given the current situation I have seemed to have placed myself in. I am finding it increasingly difficult to not feel for someone that I passionately kiss, talk to, and flirt with on a daily basis. I find it hard to tell myself not to be jealous when I notice he’s texting another girl- possibly even his ex that he supposedly wants nothing to do with anymore. I find it hard to just want a kiss and a hug on occasion when it is possible that I want something more like just a night to hang out and talk and watch a movie or something. This will sound shallow and almost perhaps trashy of me, but I used to think that the best part of having a relationship with a guy was the kissing and the hand holding and the hugging and whatnot. I know, I know. That most definitely isn’t what relationships are about. I understand. I mean, you’re reading about a person who used to think that men are incapable of feeling the same feeling as the woman in the relationship. Somewhere along the way, I had grown to believe men to be heartless and uncaring.

Anyway, I digress.

What I really wanted to explain thought-wise today was that I believe in love, but I don’t believe humans can feel it. I don’t believe it exists between two people. I believe that God is the only being that knows and truly feels what love is. I believe love to be bigger than anything we could even possibly imagine or feel for ourselves. I believe that we can experience emotion. I believe that we can hurt because of emotional pain. Heck, I believe in broken hearts. I’ve had one, so there is no denying the existence of that intense amount of pain. But I don’t believe that love is fathomable. It’s just simply bigger than our understanding.

Now you can go ahead and call me out and say that because I’ve been hurt or that I’ve never experienced it myself then or some other unknown reason, it has warped my terminology of the concept. But everyone says that people all experience love differently; that we all have different definitions of it. I think that is bull, honestly. If we were meant to understand it and feel it, why wouldn’t we all feel it the same way? There are some things that only God understands. And I personally think that one of those things is love. We just want to understand it.

I stand by this. If you can sway my view, then by all means go ahead and try. I think it’d be great to get some other perspective on it regardless. I actually do like talking to people. I just think that my way of thinking comes across as intimidating sometimes. Challenge me. Just remember before you do, that I will try my best to defend my standpoint.

Or hey, if you want to know my views or opinions or whatnot on anything else, let me know!

Well well, Lydia has some homework to do by 8AM tomorrow that she has yet to start. And it is, oh look, 1:20AM. Better get crackin’.

Push Over.

If it is one thing I am appreciative of, it is the cold, hard truth.

People say the truth hurts. Well, honestly, yes it might- but it can also make me a better person if I choose to learn from it.

I guess I should explain where this is coming from.

Last night, my best friend (my buddy) Matt called me. I love this kid. I feel like we've been friends since I was little and I've only known him for about a year. There is never a doubt in my mind that he will always be there for me. He is one of the few true friends that I have and I miss him terribly since he transferred to that school in Wisconsin. ANYWAY, I digress. He had asked me what was going on in my life, and he was teasing me about not doing anything interesting lately (I said I was bored), and so I told him about a situation. He then told me that I tend to over-do apologies, I tend to try to people please too much, and that I am basically a push-over. People walk all over me sometimes.

I mean, I knew this. I've thought about it a lot recently, but I just can't seem to put my happiness before others'. I feel like if I do, I'm being selfish. But I think I need to have more of a spine. I need to do some things that are right for me. I need to stop apologizing for things that aren't my fault. I just need to... I don't know. Change. Or something.

Well, that's all I have for now. I think.

The Dilemma

So here is the dilemma:

There are a million things that I want to say. A million phrases and conversations that I would strike up just to be more interesting and to prove that I am not this silent, shy girl that you know from painting class.

And then you look at me. And *poof* it's all lost.

And then you talk to me. And you tell me that I need to talk more.

But you see, at that moment, if I were to open my mouth, the only thing you would hear would be something along the lines of, "erryeahhuhhhmmha blattenah nahhh",
or something similar to the grape lady video on youtube.

And that would be followed by a serious of perplexed looks on your part.

It just wouldn't be pretty.
So please be patient. I promise that I will eventually catch some of my breath back in order to form a sentence. Would you mind not taking all of it? I kind of need to breathe to live, ya know. Oxygen. Kinda necessary.

Here is what I think:

Everyone is focused on "me".
Me, me, me.
Myself included.

I'm making my problems out to be bigger than they are. Or am I? Is it immature to feel like no one gives a *excuse me* shit about what is going on with me? But maybe that's selfish of me.

But if it is so selfish of me, then why do other people get away with it and I am not allowed? Are their problems bigger than mine? And whose right is it to judge who has bigger/worse problems? I'm not looking to bring the focus on myself, although it may seem like it sometimes. All I want is simple:
Try caring for someone other than yourself.

They say that at these moments in life, you discover who your true friends are.
Well, what happens when the smoke clears and you realize that you've been abandoned?

Disclaimer: this blog was, in all honesty, not directed towards any one particular individual.

Yeah, yeah, yeah

So I haven't exactly been keeping up to date on my updates :P
What are you going to do about it? haha well, uh... stop reading and checking up on me... dang it, I don't want that to happen- DON'T DO THAT.

So anyway, life is life. It's been both good and bad within the past week or two. School started back up. Classes are great(except my English class. Seriously! I usually love English! :[). I'm going to make an effort to work out every Tuesday and Thursday- we'll see if that holds up for long.

So I thought that the boy I like[d] stopped returning feelings for a while. All because I hadn't really hung out with him in like the past week. Talk about over-reaction, Lydia, sheesh. People get busy. I need to realize that. I think it's just because I know that some people say they are busy when I know that they could potentially make time. But then again, I'm easy going and I don't mind being ignored every now and then. It's not like I've fallen off the face of their world. I've just been gripping on to the edge for a really long time... hahaha, alright, I hope you can sense the bitter tone I'm trying to convey here. I'll admit it upsets me to a point. But that's why I have a life and I enjoy it regardless of feeling unimportant sometimes.

Anyway, this boy. He and I are both not ready for a full out relationship so we're just kind of winging it and dating, so to speak, and I couldn't be more okay with that. I want to be friends with him. Like really good friends with him before being in a relationship. I think that is a better way to go about it at the moment. Plus, there is more to it than that.

Regardless, I really like this boy and I've noticed my jealousy occasionally come out of nowhere like a bad rash. But I don't know where this will go and I'm doing my best to side-step all the girly-attachment feelings at the moment. It's ultimately failing, but I'd like to think it's working, ya know? haha

I found this, and I like it:





I just hope no one extinguishes the fire :)

It's been a long day. Good. But long.

So today I had a really good day.

I woke up late, because I didn't have to be anywhere. My brother brought me lunch and then I proceeded to beat him in Super Smash 64 (it was a very close, good game though). Then I went to the gym, yet again, with Jenny. The lady at the desk told me that I didn't have to pay the ten dollar guest fee because I was so polite. Then I listened to the new Ke$ha album while running for a half hour on the elliptical machine, then I walked the track with Jenny, and then I ran more than half a mile around on the track (with a walking-lap between each 3 [it takes 12 laps for one mile]). So the combined running and walking on the track was well-over a mile. Then we decided we wanted Bdubbs since Jenny hadn't eaten all day. So we showered and headed out in the snow storm. It was a Boneless Thursday and we hadn't realized it. Then we headed over to Courtney's for DQ movie/game night. Everyone except for Jenny and I had bailed on coming, unfortunately. But we ate pizza and laughed and watched Paranormal Activity. I don't normally do scary movies because I jump really easily and "demon" movies freak me out more than normal. But I enjoyed it nevertheless.

Then I came home and anxiety crept up on me once again, unexpectedly. And I realized who my really true friends are. Well... I wouldn't necessarily say that, I guess. I just discovered people who I know that I can actually trust and turn to about anything. I don't worry about being judged by them and I don't worry about them only being half-there for me in our friendship. I know I can trust them. And I must say that that is something that I haven't not been used to for quite some time. It's hard to explain to some extent though...

Anyway, not only did I get hit by my nerves when I returned home, but I also heard, you guessed it, bad news. My cousin and his wife announced on Christmas that they were expecting. This evening, however, I was informed that something is wrong. There is no heartbeat in ONE of the babies. I didn't even know she was having twins until tonight. And there is a big black mass that the doctors cannot figure out at the moment. She goes in for an operation tomorrow. But the chances are that she has, in fact, had a miscarriage. And not only that, but that black unknown mass could be cancer.
Please, please, PLEASE keep them in your prayers. Please.
I don't want this kind of hurt to keep happening to my family- immediate or not. Pray for a miracle. Because miracles can and do happen. <3