Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Here is what I think:

Everyone is focused on "me".
Me, me, me.
Myself included.

I'm making my problems out to be bigger than they are. Or am I? Is it immature to feel like no one gives a *excuse me* shit about what is going on with me? But maybe that's selfish of me.

But if it is so selfish of me, then why do other people get away with it and I am not allowed? Are their problems bigger than mine? And whose right is it to judge who has bigger/worse problems? I'm not looking to bring the focus on myself, although it may seem like it sometimes. All I want is simple:
Try caring for someone other than yourself.

They say that at these moments in life, you discover who your true friends are.
Well, what happens when the smoke clears and you realize that you've been abandoned?

Disclaimer: this blog was, in all honesty, not directed towards any one particular individual.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Yeah, yeah, yeah

So I haven't exactly been keeping up to date on my updates :P
What are you going to do about it? haha well, uh... stop reading and checking up on me... dang it, I don't want that to happen- DON'T DO THAT.

So anyway, life is life. It's been both good and bad within the past week or two. School started back up. Classes are great(except my English class. Seriously! I usually love English! :[). I'm going to make an effort to work out every Tuesday and Thursday- we'll see if that holds up for long.

So I thought that the boy I like[d] stopped returning feelings for a while. All because I hadn't really hung out with him in like the past week. Talk about over-reaction, Lydia, sheesh. People get busy. I need to realize that. I think it's just because I know that some people say they are busy when I know that they could potentially make time. But then again, I'm easy going and I don't mind being ignored every now and then. It's not like I've fallen off the face of their world. I've just been gripping on to the edge for a really long time... hahaha, alright, I hope you can sense the bitter tone I'm trying to convey here. I'll admit it upsets me to a point. But that's why I have a life and I enjoy it regardless of feeling unimportant sometimes.

Anyway, this boy. He and I are both not ready for a full out relationship so we're just kind of winging it and dating, so to speak, and I couldn't be more okay with that. I want to be friends with him. Like really good friends with him before being in a relationship. I think that is a better way to go about it at the moment. Plus, there is more to it than that.

Regardless, I really like this boy and I've noticed my jealousy occasionally come out of nowhere like a bad rash. But I don't know where this will go and I'm doing my best to side-step all the girly-attachment feelings at the moment. It's ultimately failing, but I'd like to think it's working, ya know? haha

I found this, and I like it:

I just hope no one extinguishes the fire :)

Friday, January 8, 2010

It's been a long day. Good. But long.

So today I had a really good day.

I woke up late, because I didn't have to be anywhere. My brother brought me lunch and then I proceeded to beat him in Super Smash 64 (it was a very close, good game though). Then I went to the gym, yet again, with Jenny. The lady at the desk told me that I didn't have to pay the ten dollar guest fee because I was so polite. Then I listened to the new Ke$ha album while running for a half hour on the elliptical machine, then I walked the track with Jenny, and then I ran more than half a mile around on the track (with a walking-lap between each 3 [it takes 12 laps for one mile]). So the combined running and walking on the track was well-over a mile. Then we decided we wanted Bdubbs since Jenny hadn't eaten all day. So we showered and headed out in the snow storm. It was a Boneless Thursday and we hadn't realized it. Then we headed over to Courtney's for DQ movie/game night. Everyone except for Jenny and I had bailed on coming, unfortunately. But we ate pizza and laughed and watched Paranormal Activity. I don't normally do scary movies because I jump really easily and "demon" movies freak me out more than normal. But I enjoyed it nevertheless.

Then I came home and anxiety crept up on me once again, unexpectedly. And I realized who my really true friends are. Well... I wouldn't necessarily say that, I guess. I just discovered people who I know that I can actually trust and turn to about anything. I don't worry about being judged by them and I don't worry about them only being half-there for me in our friendship. I know I can trust them. And I must say that that is something that I haven't not been used to for quite some time. It's hard to explain to some extent though...

Anyway, not only did I get hit by my nerves when I returned home, but I also heard, you guessed it, bad news. My cousin and his wife announced on Christmas that they were expecting. This evening, however, I was informed that something is wrong. There is no heartbeat in ONE of the babies. I didn't even know she was having twins until tonight. And there is a big black mass that the doctors cannot figure out at the moment. She goes in for an operation tomorrow. But the chances are that she has, in fact, had a miscarriage. And not only that, but that black unknown mass could be cancer.
Please, please, PLEASE keep them in your prayers. Please.
I don't want this kind of hurt to keep happening to my family- immediate or not. Pray for a miracle. Because miracles can and do happen. <3

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Dear Pocahontas,

Do I choose the smoothest course, or do you still wait for me Dreamgiver?

Alright, Pocahontas, I'm not faced with the choice of arranged marriage to a man named Kocoum, but I could sure use some advice on that question right now.

I'm faced with the option of getting out of a situation immediately, or sticking with it and seeing if it will eventually, possibly, MAYBE develop into an actual relationship. But that's just a POSSIBILITY.

Then again, you made that decision when you didn't even know who John Smith was. You just kept having a dream and you followed your heart. What if your heart had been wrong? Did you ever think of that? What if you had never found John Smith, or what if he never really cared much for you? Then what?

I guess I realize that decision is all on my shoulders. I don't really want anyone to influence it, because then that would be like hindering my own judgment on the matter. And ultimately, the decision on how to handle this is something that I have to make on my own.

I just wish I knew what was going to happen, ya know?

And I know that people worry. And I know that people would prefer that I choose the smoothest course. But I think that maybe the other course is a chance that I feel that I should take. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what would've happened if I didn't take it. Even if it means getting hurt.

People make wrong choices all the time. Sometimes it's intentionally done because they don't care. This isn't the case for me. I'm not doing this to have a moment, disregarding the consequences. No. I'm scared stiff that this is going to bite me in the bum.

So here goes. I'm crossing my fingers. Praying. Let's go down that crooked course in this river.
Wish me luck. I will probably need it <3

Monday, January 4, 2010

Happy New Year!!

Well, New Years Eve came and went. I had fun, wish I had taken pictures, and did not get a kiss at midnight.

About a million of negative emotions are running through my body at the moment. I don't like feeling negative. Much to probably prior belief, I'm actually more of an optimist than I am a pessimist.

And this past weekend made me smile. The boy I like, Allen, picked me up on Friday night to hang out and watch a movie at his apartment. I love how I feel when I'm around him. And it's refreshing to not be able to figure someone out completely. I hadn't expected to see him at all, because I knew he would most likely be out with his friends for both NYE and New Years day (evening, haha). I told him that I could wait a week to see him- since that's when school starts back up- but if he wanted to see me before then, that it would have to be Friday night, since I would be returning home in the morning. I'd expected a quick, "well, I'll see you in a week, because I am going out tonight", as opposed to the actual result. No one has ever done anything like that for me. I was flattered. And when he dropped me back off, he said he'd see me soon and I melted. Hahaha, I think I like him more than I'm willing to admit to myself. I'm still trying to be super cautious. I don't want to be played again. Wow. I just wrote a bigger paragraph than I had expected.

Anyway, that is my little piece of happiness that I'm holding on to for the week. It's like my own shining star. A moment that shined so bright in my eyes that I don't dare let it out of my grasp just yet.

Back to the depressing? Hahahaha, well, not really depressing- more like frustrating, I think. My mother came into my room the other night and told me that lately I've been a disappointment. No one likes hearing that they disappoint someone. Then, she proceeded to bring up a "concern" that she and my father have for me. It's none of their business (although, I realize that they are just showing that they care), and quite frankly, I am perfectly fine when it comes to that "concern". It does not bother me and I manage quite well with what I have.

On top of that, my dad seemed to be completely angry with me tonight and I have no idea why. And I was ten minutes late for my evening "curfew", although I rushed home like a fiend so that I could register for classes. Turns out, I can't register until the 6th now. Which basically ruins my chances for changing anything, I'm guessing. But anyway, fingers crossed?!

Other than that, life is life and I need to learn to enjoy it more than I already do. This year will hopefully be a good one. It was already off to a great start and I have high hopes.

Goodnight, readers.