Thursday, February 25, 2010

One Fine Line:

Oh world, why have you warped how people view themselves? Has it always been this way or did someone just start the trend?

People all over have problems with self-image or self-esteem. We accept compliments, yes, but do we truly believe what those people say to us?

“You’re amazing.”

So is that a lie or is it a reality? How would you take that? Would you think to yourself, “Yeah, you know. I am a pretty amazing person”, or would you opt for more of a, “Yeah, sure. Thanks for being nice and flattering me for once.”

We all like to receive compliments. It’s natural to feel a sense of gratitude when someone says something nice about you to you personally. A sense of happiness that you, yes you, are considered amazing or beautiful or smart or funny or all of the above- and then some- to someone. Because really, you don’t want to allow yourself to feel those things about yourself.

Hold on, hold on. Stay with me here.

It’s true. Some people are perfectly comfortable with themselves and have no problem admitting it. But then, if you openly admit that you are something good, what does society do? How do they take your open comfort with who you are?

If I looked at you right now- maybe I barely know you, or maybe I know you fairly well- and said “Hey. I am one awesome person. I’m beautiful and smart and talented.”
How would you react?

The truth is: accepting the fact that you are something good implies a subtle hint of conceit. You like yourself, and, for some reason, that has to be unacceptable to the rest of the world. Accepting it is a dangerous line, because if you openly do choose to accept it, then you are giving people the chance to mistake you as arrogant.

Granted, I’m not saying go out there and advertise how awesome of a person you are, because, yes, sometimes the line into arrogance is crossed if not careful. Humility is respected, and touting is unattractive to say the least.

Anyway, I’m here to tell you that I don’t want to be a part of that world (No, don’t take that as a suicidal statement). I want you to like and accept the good parts of you.

You are beautiful, smart, funny, talented, amazing, etc.

The world can’t take that away from you.

Don’t let them.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Remember everything:

You know, I never thought it would even matter to me if people remember the little things or not. I mean, I have an excellent memory so I'm not going to forget moments and days and specific details. And that should be good enough, right? At least someone is remembering. Right? Am I right?

People affect me.

Yeah, it is a broad statement. Like, duh. People affect other people all the time. But I mean people really affect me. I could hardly know you and you could've changed my entire day or my perspective on something. You could've made me smile for a moment. You could've brought me happiness that I will remember for the rest of my life. And I could have hardly known you. It's a fact.

That is the kind of memory I have.

It's kind of like a photographic memory to an extent. I can literally close my eyes and see the exact moment in time and I can actually feel the same way I knew I felt then. It's like I'm there all over again.
And I wonder if people have a memory like mine sometimes.

Do boys have a harder time remembering things than girls? I mean, I'm sure I could just google it and find some bizarre statistic that tells me that they do. Meh.

I remember all the way back to kindergarten. I think that is my earliest memory. I chased Terri around the playground at recess while giving him the finger. He'd told me that the middle finger was a bad thing when held up by itself. And I ran around after him, telling him "it is just a finger".

Anyway, this whole talk about memories is probably due to the fact that the boy I had last "dated" or had a thing with or whatever did not remember watching a movie with me. I know, I know- big deal, Lydia. It's a movie and it isn't important.
But you see. I remember what movie we were watching, I remember we watched the Red Wings before-hand, I remember talking about the Tigers and learning which one is "his Tiger", I remember what I was wearing, I remember exactly what he said after he first kissed me.
And I remember it was the very first time I had actually sat down and hung out with him.

So yeah, it wasn't a big deal that he doesn't remember what movie it was. And it really isn't a big deal that he remember any of it anymore. Which is why I didn't make it into a big, unnecessary deal. I'm not sure why I even chose to mention it exactly. I think maybe I was hoping that it were all important enough to be remembered. So it just felt weird.

It's weird to think about what people won't remember about me sometimes.

Haha, yeah, so weird end to a strange post. But here is a recap:
I have a good memory.
People affect me.
I have an a skewered twisted view on what I want people to remember...? (there was a subtle hint of this point, I believe).

That's about it.
*sigh* my mind just started going now, haha.
Better get started on this painting project.


Here I was, dreading my 8AM because I had been procrastinating assignment until 1AM. But God has blessed me with an e-mail from my professor to inform me that class tomorrow is canceled.
I have a headache and a heavy heart tonight.
You know, it really is the nights that get me the worst. I’m okay around people during the day and I can even pretend to cover hurt with a smile and a casual conversation. But at night? At night I’m by myself in my room and I can just let it out and talk to God without interruption. I have SO many questions, you know.
Oh to ponder the impossibilities and possibilities of life.
Feelings are an interesting thing to ponder. Why bother with them. Why can’t I just seem to discard them. Would that make me less human? And why do I feel things and others don’t?
What makes one person right and one person wrong?
So many questions. Not enough time to ask them.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Lost Spine Found:

Today I found my spine.
My backbone.
I'd lost it.
And I couldn't feel more whole right now.
I just need to have a few adjustments and I'll be as good as new.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

I want to know

how to be there for someone in full knowledge that they are not nor ever will be there for me.

God grant me strength.

And God grant those people love and strength even when I fail to properly give it.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

True or False?

You tell me:

It's sometimes fun to kick people when they're down- even if you don't realize you are kicking.

One moment can ruin everything.

People aren't allowed to have bad days without something being wrong with them.

Forgiveness doesn't exist in the world.

You deserve me at my almost best even when you can't handle the worst.

I am always here for you.

You are always here for me.

I have to be the one to make the effort.

This is my fault and I deserve it.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Love is...

Okay, so basically what you hear from me on this page lately is about either the boy I’m crushing on or it’s about what I think of people and their habitual tendencies that I am a part of, yet disagree with more often than not.

Well, today isn’t going to be much different.

I think that part of me hopes to reveal part of myself when I write these posts. I think that I try to convey to someone out there that my thoughts have meaning. That there is a reason why I think the way I do. Heck, maybe this is all just some bizarre way of further discovering part of me that I don’t even know.

Point is you’re probably going to get a bunch of posts full of philosophical mumbo jumbo that may or may not make much sense. I just want to be clear that my words come not only from my logic, but also from my heart. I mean what I say here. I may not always portray the meanings so well, but these words are not some kind of fa├žade of a girl who wants attention. They mean something to me. And I’d hope that they might, at least, mean something to you as well.

So anyway, now that all the whole “explanation” part is over, we can get to the mediocre stuff- my daily thoughts!

Today, I came to realize that I could possibly be in denial. It’s possible- NOT for certain! I told myself two months ago now that I would not let myself become attached to someone that is not stable to attach to. I don’t mean mental stability or even physical for that matter. I mean, I think, that I don’t want to feel anything for anyone that isn’t going to feel anything for me- both friendship and relationship-wise.

From the relationship aspect, this is going to potentially propose some difficulties given the current situation I have seemed to have placed myself in. I am finding it increasingly difficult to not feel for someone that I passionately kiss, talk to, and flirt with on a daily basis. I find it hard to tell myself not to be jealous when I notice he’s texting another girl- possibly even his ex that he supposedly wants nothing to do with anymore. I find it hard to just want a kiss and a hug on occasion when it is possible that I want something more like just a night to hang out and talk and watch a movie or something. This will sound shallow and almost perhaps trashy of me, but I used to think that the best part of having a relationship with a guy was the kissing and the hand holding and the hugging and whatnot. I know, I know. That most definitely isn’t what relationships are about. I understand. I mean, you’re reading about a person who used to think that men are incapable of feeling the same feeling as the woman in the relationship. Somewhere along the way, I had grown to believe men to be heartless and uncaring.

Anyway, I digress.

What I really wanted to explain thought-wise today was that I believe in love, but I don’t believe humans can feel it. I don’t believe it exists between two people. I believe that God is the only being that knows and truly feels what love is. I believe love to be bigger than anything we could even possibly imagine or feel for ourselves. I believe that we can experience emotion. I believe that we can hurt because of emotional pain. Heck, I believe in broken hearts. I’ve had one, so there is no denying the existence of that intense amount of pain. But I don’t believe that love is fathomable. It’s just simply bigger than our understanding.

Now you can go ahead and call me out and say that because I’ve been hurt or that I’ve never experienced it myself then or some other unknown reason, it has warped my terminology of the concept. But everyone says that people all experience love differently; that we all have different definitions of it. I think that is bull, honestly. If we were meant to understand it and feel it, why wouldn’t we all feel it the same way? There are some things that only God understands. And I personally think that one of those things is love. We just want to understand it.

I stand by this. If you can sway my view, then by all means go ahead and try. I think it’d be great to get some other perspective on it regardless. I actually do like talking to people. I just think that my way of thinking comes across as intimidating sometimes. Challenge me. Just remember before you do, that I will try my best to defend my standpoint.

Or hey, if you want to know my views or opinions or whatnot on anything else, let me know!

Well well, Lydia has some homework to do by 8AM tomorrow that she has yet to start. And it is, oh look, 1:20AM. Better get crackin’.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Push Over.

If it is one thing I am appreciative of, it is the cold, hard truth.

People say the truth hurts. Well, honestly, yes it might- but it can also make me a better person if I choose to learn from it.

I guess I should explain where this is coming from.

Last night, my best friend (my buddy) Matt called me. I love this kid. I feel like we've been friends since I was little and I've only known him for about a year. There is never a doubt in my mind that he will always be there for me. He is one of the few true friends that I have and I miss him terribly since he transferred to that school in Wisconsin. ANYWAY, I digress. He had asked me what was going on in my life, and he was teasing me about not doing anything interesting lately (I said I was bored), and so I told him about a situation. He then told me that I tend to over-do apologies, I tend to try to people please too much, and that I am basically a push-over. People walk all over me sometimes.

I mean, I knew this. I've thought about it a lot recently, but I just can't seem to put my happiness before others'. I feel like if I do, I'm being selfish. But I think I need to have more of a spine. I need to do some things that are right for me. I need to stop apologizing for things that aren't my fault. I just need to... I don't know. Change. Or something.

Well, that's all I have for now. I think.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Dilemma

So here is the dilemma:

There are a million things that I want to say. A million phrases and conversations that I would strike up just to be more interesting and to prove that I am not this silent, shy girl that you know from painting class.

And then you look at me. And *poof* it's all lost.

And then you talk to me. And you tell me that I need to talk more.

But you see, at that moment, if I were to open my mouth, the only thing you would hear would be something along the lines of, "erryeahhuhhhmmha blattenah nahhh",
or something similar to the grape lady video on youtube.

And that would be followed by a serious of perplexed looks on your part.

It just wouldn't be pretty.
So please be patient. I promise that I will eventually catch some of my breath back in order to form a sentence. Would you mind not taking all of it? I kind of need to breathe to live, ya know. Oxygen. Kinda necessary.