Okay, so basically what you hear from me on this page lately is about either the boy I’m crushing on or it’s about what I think of people and their habitual tendencies that I am a part of, yet disagree with more often than not.
Well, today isn’t going to be much different.
I think that part of me hopes to reveal part of myself when I write these posts. I think that I try to convey to someone out there that my thoughts have meaning. That there is a reason why I think the way I do. Heck, maybe this is all just some bizarre way of further discovering part of me that I don’t even know.
Point is you’re probably going to get a bunch of posts full of philosophical mumbo jumbo that may or may not make much sense. I just want to be clear that my words come not only from my logic, but also from my heart. I mean what I say here. I may not always portray the meanings so well, but these words are not some kind of façade of a girl who wants attention. They mean something to me. And I’d hope that they might, at least, mean something to you as well.
So anyway, now that all the whole “explanation” part is over, we can get to the mediocre stuff- my daily thoughts!
Today, I came to realize that I could possibly be in denial. It’s possible- NOT for certain! I told myself two months ago now that I would not let myself become attached to someone that is not stable to attach to. I don’t mean mental stability or even physical for that matter. I mean, I think, that I don’t want to feel anything for anyone that isn’t going to feel anything for me- both friendship and relationship-wise.
From the relationship aspect, this is going to potentially propose some difficulties given the current situation I have seemed to have placed myself in. I am finding it increasingly difficult to not feel for someone that I passionately kiss, talk to, and flirt with on a daily basis. I find it hard to tell myself not to be jealous when I notice he’s texting another girl- possibly even his ex that he supposedly wants nothing to do with anymore. I find it hard to just want a kiss and a hug on occasion when it is possible that I want something more like just a night to hang out and talk and watch a movie or something. This will sound shallow and almost perhaps trashy of me, but I used to think that the best part of having a relationship with a guy was the kissing and the hand holding and the hugging and whatnot. I know, I know. That most definitely isn’t what relationships are about. I understand. I mean, you’re reading about a person who used to think that men are incapable of feeling the same feeling as the woman in the relationship. Somewhere along the way, I had grown to believe men to be heartless and uncaring.
Anyway, I digress.
What I really wanted to explain thought-wise today was that I believe in love, but I don’t believe humans can feel it. I don’t believe it exists between two people. I believe that God is the only being that knows and truly feels what love is. I believe love to be bigger than anything we could even possibly imagine or feel for ourselves. I believe that we can experience emotion. I believe that we can hurt because of emotional pain. Heck, I believe in broken hearts. I’ve had one, so there is no denying the existence of that intense amount of pain. But I don’t believe that love is fathomable. It’s just simply bigger than our understanding.
Now you can go ahead and call me out and say that because I’ve been hurt or that I’ve never experienced it myself then or some other unknown reason, it has warped my terminology of the concept. But everyone says that people all experience love differently; that we all have different definitions of it. I think that is bull, honestly. If we were meant to understand it and feel it, why wouldn’t we all feel it the same way? There are some things that only God understands. And I personally think that one of those things is love. We just want to understand it.
I stand by this. If you can sway my view, then by all means go ahead and try. I think it’d be great to get some other perspective on it regardless. I actually do like talking to people. I just think that my way of thinking comes across as intimidating sometimes. Challenge me. Just remember before you do, that I will try my best to defend my standpoint.
Or hey, if you want to know my views or opinions or whatnot on anything else, let me know!
Well well, Lydia has some homework to do by 8AM tomorrow that she has yet to start. And it is, oh look, 1:20AM. Better get crackin’.