Friday, March 19, 2010

Bad feelings:

Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself and just have a hard time believing it was or is really you?

There was this day this past week. It was maybe 3:30AM and I was in Wightman, trying to finish my painting.
I mean, obviously it is supposed to be me, looking in a mirror at myself. What I could potentially be. It's very much more in depth than the current picture on this blog (which, by the way, the painting is supposed to be displayed upside down). Anyway, so it was really, really early in the morning and I had decided that there was definitely no way I'd be getting any sleep that night, despite the feeling of pure exhaustion. I walked to the bathroom in the building, which was eerily quiet. Like that uncomfortable quiet that you don't really like walking around in. Anyway, so I get to the bathroom and I stand there and I just stare at myself in the mirror.
It was odd.
Most likely just because I was so exhausted and I'd been staring at my painting for hours upon hours. However, it was like it wasn't me. I actually felt like I could reach out and touch a different person.

Who does that? Who looks at themself and doesn't see the same person? Am I crazy or what?
Or maybe I was just that overly exhausted.

To be quite honest, I feel so pulled in different directions lately that it is almost unbearable. People just tearing at me and wanting me to help them. And I want to help them, I really do. But I cannot live life for them. I can't.

I have to be everything I can be for people.

I love life. I honestly do. But something doesn't feel right. Something is up.
And I've got a really bad feeling. In my gut. Just something isn't right.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Two places:

I could use two places right now:

1. My favorite place. Accompanied by a good conversation, a cold drink, a toasty bonfire with smores, and unbelievable amounts of fireflies.

2. Some place far away from Michigan. Preferably with a beach and maybe an open field or something of the sort. A light breeze playing with the sand. Maybe a sunset or two dancing on the horizon.

Yeah. If only.

Oh, and both places are accompanied by music of variety.
Music makes everything even better.

I'm tired of this place. I feel confined. I need to get out, meet new people, and see the world.
I'd start walking now if it were possible.

I want to live out of my car at some point in my life.
Does that make me weird?
I think it makes me adventurous and free-spirited and open to all of life's possibilities.
And that sounds like a pretty good way of living life to it's fullest to me.

I think I'll plan one for myself. Not tell anyone where I'm going or when I'm going.
Because to do so alone, I'm free to leave when I want, go anywhere I want, and not have to worry about canceled plans.
Although, I very much would like company.

I feel like my heart is wide open and it couldn't be shut if I tried to close it.
I feel completely vulnerable. To life.
So watch me leap heart-first into a world full of darkness.
Danger is always a possibility. More than a possibility, actually. More like a probability.
See you on the other side! :D

Friday, March 12, 2010

Delay of painting;

Nothing like finally being on a roll with this painting and then realizing that I have to stop and get ready for work in an hour.

And I offered to pick up a shift tomorrow if needed. Am I that idiotic? This painting is due when I get back. It has to be 95% done by Monday. It is maybe 20% done. Way to plan this out, Lydia.

I'm being pulled to pieces between work and people wanting me to do them favors or family events. This is the least relaxing way to be spending my break. It doesn't even feel like I've been on one. It feels like I've been home for a weekend. Just a weekend. That's how jam packed I feel my schedule is. It's suffocating. But I suppose it is my own fault for taking on so much at once.

Well, I met someone who led me on and now suddenly believes that the type of person they are is not what I'm looking for. Again. Being friends is what is best "for the time being". Time. I'm tired of time. I laugh at myself for letting this happen yet again. I literally saw it coming. And although he hints at time being a factor that could change things, the truth of the matter is that time doesn't change things like this. It's not a matter of timing.

Regardless, this was for the better. I'm at a point in my life where I am not ready for any relationship. I am comfortable with being free. Independent. I want to travel. I don't want to be tied down to anyone at the moment.

There are times when I truly believe I won't find anyone. I feel as if people cannot see life the way I do. And I'm stuck in the state of mind where I want them to see it like me. But not one person sees things the same as another and I realize that. But my mind chooses to not want to believe that I can show them somehow.

I can't explain to you the beauty that I see. The 'love' that I feel. (I put love in quotes because you already know I don't believe in being able to feel love to the full extent).

Anyway, I'm going to wind up talking myself in circles right now.
And I have ten minutes before leaving for work and I have yet to change. Oops.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Spring Break:

Well I was hoping for some profound topic to blog about to just pop into my mind spontaneously.
I fail in that hope.
No profound or thought provoking blog thoughts tonight, unfortunately. Perhaps your mind was tired of trying to wrap around my twisted thought train anyway. I truly do not know.
It’s spring break. I’d like to say that I’m vacationing in a sunny, beach-like location. Or perhaps just somewhere with beautiful landscapes. However, my vacation consists of staring at a very complicated painting and the inside of a Dairy Queen.
I want to soak my feet in something that will make them stop throbbing.
Work is the same as it always is. Enjoyable and productive. I feel the need to gain new job experience though. Guess it is a good thing that I will be doing just that soon anyway.
I worry about certain friends of mine and the choices and decisions they are quick to make lately.
*sigh* that is all I have to say for the moment. Perhaps I will think of something more in-depth later tonight. For now? I’m going to watch UP!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Winnie the Pooh exercises

I'm totally doing this every day now.

Think, Thank, Thunk?

So fun fact:

when I was younger, I truly believed I was fearless. I wanted to be a stunt double, because the idea of putting myself at risk for fun was cool and intriguing. Me. Lydia Lorraine. A stunt double.

I believed I was completely fearless. But I realize now I was just naive to the idea of the world being a scary place.

And now I'm older. And now I'm scared when I just want to be back in my comfortable, naive bubble.

What's funny is that I can admit to you over the internet that I'm scared about things. I won't be specific, because afterall it is the internet. But I figure my fears are just as common as any other typical college student's fears. But in person? Getting me to actually talk about how I feel about things outside of the social networking systems that can mask emotions through lack of facial expression? Yeah. Good luck with that one.

Do you think you can over-analyze yourself? A lot of times I feel like I'm playing psychiatrist with myself. I'm not crazy. But I like to analyze people and situations and personalities and the like. I like psychiatry, I think. I like to think about the way an individual's mind works. And whose mind to better start with than my own, ya know?
But what are the dangers of examining your own mind? Are there limits? Could you go too far?
I'm sure a lot of people just figure that I'm discovering who I really am. But it's more than that. I'm literally analyzing. Analyzing how I got to be who I am, maybe.

Just think, think, think. It is consuming and distracting and if I could stop it, I would at this point. I'm too busy to be bothering with analytical thoughts. I have specific things to focus on. I have a life.

Life is life.
Time to focus on this paper... I don't think I'll sleep tonight. :(
Anyway, sorry I just needed to empty space in my mind, so I could hopefully focus. Let's see if it worked, shall we? :P