Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Stressed out:

Well, I have been slacking in the blogging department lately, I guess. Truth be told, I am unbelievably stressed. It got to the point today that I even broke down in my 8AM class. I had a presentation that was due and I just walked right up to my professor and tried to see if I could get it pushed back another week. To which she later told me that I probably wouldn’t be able to fit it in next week. I needed those points. Then we had a nice long chat about what is going on and what is more important to me. She literally told me that I would come in every day looking exhausted and that today she was even legitimately scared and worried about me. Stress is catching up to me and it isn’t doing well for me mentally.

In other news, my grandmother went into the hospital maybe a week and a half ago and lots of people were convinced, including her, that she wasn’t coming back out this time. Things were looking grim which added more stress to my plate. Needless to say, Grandma is doing much better and is home for the time being.

My aunt Lisa got married this past weekend and I played photographer. Well, one of the photographers anyway. It was a beautiful wedding and I had no problem being nearly the only person on the dancefloor at one point. It was actually a pretty enjoyable weekend home. And I found out that after my last final, I go home for the weekend, and then I move up to Gaylord to start work for the summer. I’m ready to be on my own to a point.

I’ve been casually dating this one guy. And he’s really great. And he wants to be official with me, even though summer is in less than two weeks and I’ll be so far away. He’s sweet and seems like the kind of guy that I would really be great with. But truth be told, I do not trust him. I have reason to not trust him. He was trying to show me some pictures of his cat on his phone and naturally I was looking over his shoulder as he was searching for one. Chances are he doesn’t even remember anyway since he’d had so much to drink. But there were pictures on his phone. Certain pictures.
I was worried about him last night so I didn’t sleep more than an hour and a half. This morning I noticed a notebook labeled “memories” on his floor and out of my curiosity and boredom, I picked it up. Bad idea. Not only does this make me look like I was snooping, but I immediately set it back down after reading something that made my stomach turn. What do you do when you find out that someone lied to you but they don’t know that you know? What am I supposed to do? He needs me right now to support him and be his friend, but this is going to drag me under the bus; and I’m supposed to be looking out for myself more so. Ugh, I don’t know what to do or how to handle this all right now.

Stress has prevented me from sleeping and also eating. I suppose this is alright because then I might lose some weight. It’s not really the way I’d prefer about going about it, of course. I feel really unhealthy today and like I cannot move. Thing is that I’ve got a photography project due tomorrow morning and a painting that I haven’t started. So I suppose I should get going.

Well, that’s my life recapped at the moment. Hope yours is going well. :)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Freaking Out:

Well, I'm freaking out hard-core.

I'm also doing laundry because I know I can't sleep and I have to do something (something that isn't actually homework, of course).

But holy flying pig shit, I'm freaking out.

I can't bring myself to type anymore at this point.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

10 Questions:

1. Where was your first kiss?
Hahaha. In a dorm room, believe it or not.

2. What are you feeling right now this very moment?
Pensive, I think is the correct term to describe it. With the burning desire to sing.

3. If you could fly, but had to leave everything behind, would you?
Yes, I would.

4. What color are your socks?

5. Do you have a morning routine? What is it?
Kind of? I wake up, turn off the first alarm, sleep, wake up another two times after turning off the second and third alarm, climb out of bed, pee, put in contacts, shower, brush teeth, grab books, head to class.

6. If the world was going to end tomorrow, how would you spend today?
I spend every day like it were my last, because the world could end tomorrow.

7. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
My honesty.

8. What is your favorite quality in others?
Selflessness or understanding.

9. What is the scariest thing you've encountered?
I remember last year my mother sent me a picture message of my younger brother's mouth. He'd look like he'd gotten into a huge fight and lost. I called her and she didn't pick up. I hyperventilated. I'm very close with my family. Turns out he had to have stitches, had a minor concussion, and therefore had to be woken up every 3 hours that night. That was pretty scary for me.

Personal encounters though- you'll have to maybe ask me. I'm still not comfortable talking about a particular frightening moment.

10. When do you feel alive?
I think I understand what this question is trying to mean, despite it's poor wording- so... when I'm playing the piano.

This Time:

People don’t like the present.
So they live in the past and look to the future.
Completely disregarding the necessity of the current time.
It’s only important to them once it has passed.

Well, eff that.
There is no time like the present time.

I want to take each moment as it hits me.

New, Signs:

It would seem that I only create a new post when I have important homework that is due the next morning.

Today wasn’t bad. It was difficult, but I shouldn’t take a day for granted.

Challenging but not something that hinders me from learning or growing or living.

We had our third painting assignment due today. I was really quite excited about it, because I was decently pleased with how my painting had turned out. I think it proceeded to make me glum about my day though. I’d explain, but I feel the need to exempt the explanation from my blog.

So all day, all I wanted was a hug.

Nay, I wanted more than that. I wanted to be held.

Do you believe in signs? Because I don’t think I do. I believe everything happens for a reason, yeah. But signs? Seems a bit farfetched to me. It seems that signs are just an excuse to tell yourself that something will happen or something is meant to be. It’s almost like believing in luck? Maybe? Sort of?

I don’t know. But if signs are for realsies then I’ve been ignoring them for the past 4 months now. If they were even to be considered as signs. What are your thoughts on the concept of signs? I’m curious to know.

Two weeks. Well, technically three if you count finals week. And then I’m free to work myself to death at a new job this summer. Yet, I am excited to be living with people I don’t know. Not just “people” but guys. I’m living with a bunch of guys and I’m excited about it. Why? No offense, ladies, but I don’t really get along with you very well anyway and guys are way less drama. You have no idea how excited I am to just put this semester behind me and meet completely new people.

New people. New place.

P.S. My sister is officially engaged.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Finding Nemo:

"No, of course I like you. It's because I like you, I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated... emotion."

-Marlin from Finding Nemo

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Moment:

So here I am, 7:02PM on a Thursday. I’m sitting in my room, door closed, and bored; which, of course, leaves me alone to think about everything and anything in my life.

There was a moment. A moment that I’ve only ever had with one person. And ironically enough, that one person is someone who I can’t have moments with. It’s a really weird feeling that I can’t allow myself to pursue nor would it actually go anywhere if I pursued it. But I love that moment. And I hope that I can find someone else who I can have that moment with.

Or can you only have certain moments with one person? Because everyone is different, you know? Right? I kind of hope I’m wrong.

So I tend to be overly nice to people I consider my friends. They might not really even consider me as much of a friend. But the moment person? I know that their birthday is coming up. And part of me keeps debating on whether or not to buy Tiger tickets. I love the Tigers. But I know that I’d probably wind up sheepishly giving them to the person for their birthday. But I shouldn’t… right? I shouldn’t, but I really want to.

I mean, if my heart says so, shouldn’t I just listen to my heart? Or is it my head that needs to start speaking up more?

I don’t know.

Maybe I really am crazy.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

One Wish:

I think if I could be granted any wish right now, I wouldn’t wish for world peace or an endless supply of money or even the greatest love of my life.

No, I think I’d wish for something stranger. Well a stranger thing than most people would find themselves wishing anyway.

I think I’d wish to give my voice box to someone who would put it to better use than I do.

It’s like I’m wasting this great gift. And if I’m not going to use it to its full potential, then why not give it to someone who would, ya know?

I don’t know. It’s been an odd week so far already. Yesterday, I gave a lot of thought to the idea of transferring. Today, I realized that there would be no point in going through that hassle when I’m already half way done with schooling.
A lot of people would just tell me I need a break, and that summer is coming so I’ll get just that. But really, I don’t think so. I think I need to travel. I think I need to just take off. And if I weren’t so anchored here in Michigan, I think I would. But that’s the great thing about reality, isn’t it? It’s that when we desire to do something completely spontaneous and crazy that could potentially ruin everything, we can’t because the reality of things is that it isn’t the right timing, or it isn’t possible financially (etc.).

I think I’d like to write something that matters to people. And I think I want people to want to read it. And connect with it. But there are just so many things to write about in life that I wouldn’t know remotely where to start. And then I’d have to actually make it interesting after I find that starting point, haha. Fat chance.

I wish I could write in pictures.

Then again, isn’t that what movies are supposed to be for? That’s not what I mean though. You’re smart- I bet you understand what I’m saying.

I wonder if my thoughts are what keep me from sleeping soundly. Man, I’ve been having a lot of strange nightmares lately. And I often dream about people that I don’t know personally. Like, I’ve met them maybe once and then they show up in my dreams like I’ve known them my whole life. It’s odd. I wonder if it’s odd that I find nightmares fascinating now. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to let myself fear. We can’t be led by fear, dear.

Well, in the completely normal side of my life, I have yet another paper to construct before tomorrow morning. I can’t stop wishing I were sitting outside right now though. It’s not even nice out. It rained all day here.

But maybe I don’t like the idea of walls anymore.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter!:

First of all, a very happy Easter to you all!

Well, I suppose it’s been a while since I’ve written. Truth is, I’ve been so self-involved lately that it becomes difficult to even put my thoughts into words. But alas, I am back for the moment; and you will get a post, whether it is interesting or not.

So I’ve really wanted it to rain lately. I was hoping to get a nice rainfall to play as an accompaniment to the warm weather. When this happens, I will be found running around campus and jumping in puddles like a crazy person. It’s quite fun though, so I do not mind how I look to the observing eye. I highly recommend trying it sometime, if you haven’t already.

I went home this weekend at the request of my parents (mostly my father). I was really animate about not wanting to come home at all, but after realizing how important it was to them, I caved and pouted the whole way home. I would’ve been less upset, if my best friend from out of state weren’t in town for the one night that they had me picked up. I suppose, however, I should be thankful that I got to see him at all. I just wish I had had more time is all. And! He gave me at least two hundred and fifty new songs. I can always count on him to expand my itunes library.

Sometimes I wonder if the tone of this blog is rather depressing or disheartening. Reading through some of it, I always sound pissed off or upset or lost. If there is any confusion due to this, I assure you that I am happy and I am living a wonderful life. I’d just come to realize that sometimes I can just sound like a really angst-y teenager, who thinks she has all this bad stuff that happens to her. I could be much worse off and I realize that. I just like to talk about things. And people like to hear about problems. For some reason, it makes stories more interesting.

I don’t know. Something like that, right? Haha.

Well, now that I’ve cleared that up. Back to the dark and brooding matters of my life, right? Hahaha.

Well, honestly, I don’t have much to tell you that is dark or remotely problematic. My sister is over in London at the moment (so jealous) with her boyfriend who is planning to propose.
Naturally, this is very exciting news and upon being the first to know, I wanted to hug somebody! Haha, well no one was around at the moment and I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about it (I’m still not, but I trust that there is no way my sister can access this information while on her trip) so I was going crazy. Anyway, mums the word still, so don’t go spilling the beans somehow! Haha got it? :P

I went and saw “The Last Song” with one of my very close friends. I decided that it really wasn’t that great of a movie. Miley Cyrus cannot act and her hair was atrocious throughout a majority of the movie. And I found the ending to be awkward and totally predictable. All it made me want to do was visit Georgia (it looked beautiful), and play piano all afternoon.

Maybe I’ve become a bit of a cynic towards movie romance. I just know that that isn’t how it happens. I want to be done with the fallacy of movie and television relationships/romance being a reality. Let’s be realistic here: if guys did half the stuff they do so quickly in movies, chances are that the girl is going to think he’s ridiculous, a major creeper, or just plain not be interested. Guys aren’t like that. Where does Hollywood get off trying to make me believe that there is someone out there who can be expected to live up to that?

Well, I could go on for a while, but I think I’ll stop here for the day. I’d like to thank whoever wrote in my formspring and reminded me to update. I am flattered that anyone at all reads this. I truly enjoy writing, and knowing that it is actually read is amazing. So thank you.

Homework calls- and I should pick up the call.

Currently playing: Atlantis- Deas Vail