Mean:

I don' t know what to think anymore, honestly.

It seems that my mood fluctuates between missing you and being frustrated with you. I generally care about you even though maybe I shouldn't. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore!!! Just let everything go and quit being nice completely or what? Keep being myself and try to help out when I think I can and end up feeling more frustrated?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO ANYMORE. haha

All I know is that the only reason I ended up feeling frustrated was because that is how my night ended. With you marching out, pissed off, and my roommate saying that that was way too much for her to handle anymore so she was going home, which left me to a heart-to-heart conversation that I'm tired of even having.

And the conclusion I came to from that conversation with Jacob?:

"I don't know anymore, Jake. I'm starting to think it is me. It's like I've developed this pattern with people this year. And all of it just seems to be my fault for being who I am."

SO. Now what? hahaha ugh. I'm so tired of thinking.

I just don't like being publicly announced as a hated individual.

Two sides to every story. And I don't even tell my side anymore. It's not worth it. Sides are just a division of what was once whole.

On another note, I've had a crappy week. I was fined 500 dollars, didn't eat for 48 hours because I didn't have money anymore, still don't have money, was betrayed by a friend, cried twice over the phone, was scolded on several different occasions (one of which was for dying my hair brown), pulled an all-nighter that I didn't need to pull, returned to a bad habit, was almost put in a very uncomfortable situation, had to give away my cat, and pissed off a few people, dropped a class, and my brother moved away.

Oh, and Starbucks got my drink order wrong. Damn barista.... If I wanted it a mocha, I would've asked for it.

That about tops off my week. Tomorrow starts a new one and I'm going in to it with my head held high and a positive attitude.

Hope all is well with y'all :)

Well today,

The weekend of January 23rd is stuck with me today.
Funny thing is that I'm not one percent sure that was the correct weekend. But I'm almost positive.
Granted, I don't care and I'd prefer to not remember at all.

Today, I feel haunted. And I feel empty.
If you haven't already guessed, today sucked. Everything that could've gone wrong did and then some. Now I would just love to be evicted from my apartment to end the day on a bang.

The year of 2010 is not going down in my diary as a good year. Just about everything from this year ended badly. I mean, life is life and things happen usually not the way you intend them to. But come on... Is it 2011 yet? Not that the advancing of a couple months changes anything. You don't get to start over. Time all runs together until it runs out.

And that's just it: It runs out.

So I could sit here and choose to dwell on every little thing this year, but I don't want to. I could learn something from it all, but right now I'd rather just not think about it at all. I'd rather just move on. Live tomorrow like things could be worse. Because the truth is? They could be. My life is blessed and I'm cursed with the annoying habit of forgetting just that.

Tomorrow probably won't be better. But I owe it to myself to keep fighting this.

All I wanted was a damn hug today. I still want one. Preferably from one of my best friends. But they had plans and I'm not about to rain on their parade.

Still.

A hug would be nice.
A shoulder would be golden.
And reassurance would be diamond.

Unless the heart isn't in it. Then it would all be like my smile:
fleeting.

I don't care how this makes me look:

October 3, 2010. Aka: today.

219 days since the day we met.

220 if you include the day we met.

48 days after day one, I walked to your place.

46 days of you waiting for me to ask you since day 49.

That is 94 days before I asked you to be mine.

54 days of happily ever after.

71. 71 days. That’s 2 months and 8 days since we broke up.

18 days later we stopped talking.

And then after another 17 days I found out you found a new girl.

That’s somewhere within 35 days.

36 days of speaking to each other again.

53 days since we stopped talking brings us here.

I don’t know where we go from here.