Sunday, August 30, 2009

I have been staring at an apple for the past 7 minutes. Yes, seven... Well, actually, seven is my favorite number and that's why I picked it. It's probably only been like three minutes tops. Anyway, that is besidees the point. The point is that I have this really strong desire to throw the apple at someone or to shoot it with my non-existent bow and arrow. Yet, part of me wants to eat it.

I'm back at school. The first part of the week started off really well and I was having tons of fun and feeling totally and completely happy with life and whatnot. Once it hit about Wednesday evening, however, the week flipped a 180 while I wasn't looking. I stayed as positive as possible and made it my priority to make sure everyone else was really happy. Yesterday, unfortunately, I hit a wall- figuratively speaking, of course. I spiraled into a "funk" and waited all day for a text message that left me blown off with nothing to do with the rest of my evening. So, naturally, I tried to salvage my previous plans and as soon as I did that, I regretted it. I welled up with tears twice, got a hold of myself, and was thankfully rescued by Alana, who knew that I shouldn't have been where I was and wasn't going to let me stay there, no matter what. I tried. And I suppose it wasn't very mature of me to leave like I did, I know. I don't feel good about it at all and I'm really disappointed in a lot of things involving my state of mind. I don't know what I was thinking.

So my evening was turned into an evening of laughter and fun after being "saved" from my situation. Of course, my thoughts wandered into deep, dark places at points and when I came back to my dorm to sleep, but I'm glad nevertheless that I have the friends that I do and that they are always going to be there for me- I should never doubt that.

I realized last night that if I shared my view on the concept of "love" and what I believe about it, it would sadden or upset a lot of people. Most wouldn't agree with me and would probably argue with my train of thought; but I believe it even more so now than I have ever before.

Well, I'm done being mopey for now, haha. I wish I could find a piano to play. I'd take my ipod and try to learn some new music. Granted, I really should be doing homework right now, haha. You know me... the biggest procrastinator EVER. This apple is still sitting here.......

Classes are good, friends are great, maturity is lonely, and family is missed.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I honestly don't even have the energy to type out a boring blog entry. But I am going to do it anyway in order to try to find order in my own world right now.

I am upset. I'm very good at hiding it. Yet, I don't really care to hide it anymore either and therefore, it slips into view every so often. For example, my mother has asked me if I was okay twice within the past week. That's not normal for her to do. She's worried about me. And to be quite honest, I'm worried about me. It's hard to explain.

But what I do know is that right now, I' am stressed to the point that I have wanted to puke on several occasions, I haven't wanted to speak to anyone within the past 5 days. And I'm losing a lot of emotional feeling while gaining a lot of physical pain. My back has been bothering me for a month. I've finally become so annoyed by it that I scheduled a chiropractic appointment tomorrow morning. My feet have not stopped aching and my stomach is in a million explainable yet hidden knots.

I saw my sister. I love her. She makes me smile and she helps me out and she knows I'm frustrated about at least one thing right now. And she understands. And she is there for me. And I miss her already and wish I could spend time with her and her/my friends the weekend after this one.

I have a new favorite band. It's Parachute. Love them. A lot. Relient K is my ultimate favorite still, but Parachute is up there with them now.

I found out a lot of crap I didn't want to. My stomach just dropped further tonight because of it. But you know what? That's life and eff it. I don't care if it hurts anymore. It happens to more people than just me and I need to be stronger.

I have way too much to do before Thursday and it is freaking me out.

Matt S called me out on being a push-over today. He's awesome. And he just wants me to be more assertive in situations. Because I am a push-over and people do take advantage of me. And I just let them. Hence the push-over status, haha. Anyway, I'm really glad that he called me. I miss him a lot. I don't know what I'd do without him as a friend.

I'm so exhausted that I can't sleep. This is ridiculous.

I'm being a downer right now. But don't take that as, "oh, she hates life and is totally pessimistic". I'm not. I love life. And I am blessed in many ways. But I like to recognize the bad parts of it in hopes of finding ways around them and making the blessings shine through more.

Goodnight, world.

Monday, August 10, 2009

I have wasted all of my morning and afternoon.

I want to draw. But I think part of me thinks that I've lost any skill I ever had. I know that the only way to find out is by trying, but then I just feel under-motivated. Not unmotivated. Just not as motivated as I would like to be.

I'm not really sure what happened to me these past couple of days. It's like I shut down. I stopped replying to texts, stopped signing into facebook and any internet site in general, and yet in person, I seemed like a generally happy and unaffected person. I'm not sure what I was supposed to be affected by anyway, I guess. I'm just really confused by so many things lately. And I've been dying to just talk to someone about something. I've been dying to demand answers. But that is not how it works. I don't know what happened to me that made me think that I need to have all of the answers immediately. My patience has taken a huge hit and now I find myself becoming irritated by the littlest things.

I've started packing for school, I've worked almost a week and a half straight, when I'm not working I'm running errands and doing people favors to keep them pleased, and when I have time to myself I just freeze up and don't know what to do. I've been up to 4:30 in the morning, trying to sort out confusing sentences and meanings behind things. I just need to relax and let things be what they are. But I'm not sure how to do that, I guess.

I think I'm afraid of going back to school... Maybe. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm really not sure.

My sister comes home tomorrow or Wednesday morning, I work tomorrow night, I have craft night on Wednesday (it sounds ridiculous but its not.), I have the wedding shower on Thursday, Mere's bachlorette party on Friday, pedicures with Em, Mere, Anna, and maybe Aubrey on Saturday as a wedding treat for Mere, then work that evening, Sunday is church and more work. I just don't get a break, see? Or maybe that isn't that much stuff and I'm just over-reacting or something. But I just need space? I need something, that's for sure.

Anyway, I need to be making sure that my Gram doesn't make dinner right now. She's not allowed near the stove since she can't see and has an oxygen tank. Therefore, my mother believes that if she cooks, our house may catch on fire and my gram might blow up. And then I need to try to find something to wear to work and then get ready for work itself. So that's it for now. I guess I just thought I'd update real fast.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

It has been an exceptionally long day.

I did not fall asleep until at least 4:30 this morning, due to a very important conversation that I think needed to occur. The only problem with this is that I had to be up at 8:30 to shower and get ready for Kirsten's funeral.

"I don't like funerals."

That is what Joe said as we got back into the car. It is the first funeral that he's going to actually remember attending, I think. He was only eight when my Grandpa died and even I, sadly enough, do not remember much from that day either.
Kirsten Gabriella is my stillborn cousin. My Aunt was eight months pregnant with her and their family was constantly in my prayers. When I had heard the news of Kirsten's passing, I took it really hard- a lot harder than I ever expected to take it. And standing at the cemetery, I did not cry but I felt awful. To watch my younger cousin, Erica, and Aunt Sandy just sitting there with their eyes raw from tears was completely devastating. My heart goes out to them both and my uncle Dave. Looking at a coffin that small is... it's unreal. I wanted to believe that it was empty. That nothing had really happened to my cousin. That I was still going to be able to get to watch her grow up. And then... I was felt a twinge of anger every time that the priest mispronounced her name. It's Kirsten. NOT Kristen. I know that it shouldn't matter that he mispronounced it. But I was really bothered by it.
She was buried a couple graves behind my grandpa's.
I will be visiting them both at least once more before I leave for school. Alone.

We went to brunch after the funeral and it seemed wrong- to me at least- to be happily chit chatting about daily life. I know that Kirsten is in a better place. I know she's with God. But it seemed to me like nothing had happened. Like I said- it was unreal.
After brunch, I went home and took an hour nap. And then Brad called me and asked me to come into work at 3 instead of 3;30. Which is fine. I just wasn't feeling up to working.
Granted, it was only a two hour shift.

Anyway, I'm still tired and don't feel well. So I'm going to take another nap, I think.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Notes to self:

  • don't use a bad week as an excuse for retail therapy
  • there is a song for EVERYTHING
  • never hook up with a best friend's sibling (and then act like it's cool to talk about)
  • don't be generous when you're on a budget- you can't afford it.
  • be grateful for your crappy job
Those are my notes for this week. There are about a million more notes to be taken but not mentioned here. I think I'll play around on the piano today. I work at five again. Work last night was like, THE WORST NIGHT of work EVER. And then I came home to see things that I didn't like at all. And life is just completely frustrating right now.

Completely frustrating.
And saddening.

I'm not ready for school but I'm ready to be away from home.