Monday, August 10, 2009

I have wasted all of my morning and afternoon.

I want to draw. But I think part of me thinks that I've lost any skill I ever had. I know that the only way to find out is by trying, but then I just feel under-motivated. Not unmotivated. Just not as motivated as I would like to be.

I'm not really sure what happened to me these past couple of days. It's like I shut down. I stopped replying to texts, stopped signing into facebook and any internet site in general, and yet in person, I seemed like a generally happy and unaffected person. I'm not sure what I was supposed to be affected by anyway, I guess. I'm just really confused by so many things lately. And I've been dying to just talk to someone about something. I've been dying to demand answers. But that is not how it works. I don't know what happened to me that made me think that I need to have all of the answers immediately. My patience has taken a huge hit and now I find myself becoming irritated by the littlest things.

I've started packing for school, I've worked almost a week and a half straight, when I'm not working I'm running errands and doing people favors to keep them pleased, and when I have time to myself I just freeze up and don't know what to do. I've been up to 4:30 in the morning, trying to sort out confusing sentences and meanings behind things. I just need to relax and let things be what they are. But I'm not sure how to do that, I guess.

I think I'm afraid of going back to school... Maybe. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm really not sure.

My sister comes home tomorrow or Wednesday morning, I work tomorrow night, I have craft night on Wednesday (it sounds ridiculous but its not.), I have the wedding shower on Thursday, Mere's bachlorette party on Friday, pedicures with Em, Mere, Anna, and maybe Aubrey on Saturday as a wedding treat for Mere, then work that evening, Sunday is church and more work. I just don't get a break, see? Or maybe that isn't that much stuff and I'm just over-reacting or something. But I just need space? I need something, that's for sure.

Anyway, I need to be making sure that my Gram doesn't make dinner right now. She's not allowed near the stove since she can't see and has an oxygen tank. Therefore, my mother believes that if she cooks, our house may catch on fire and my gram might blow up. And then I need to try to find something to wear to work and then get ready for work itself. So that's it for now. I guess I just thought I'd update real fast.

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